2012 is nearing it's end..

It's been a while since I wrote.. again.
But I feel the need to say a few things since only one person I actually know reads this, and then there's probably about a million faceless people that have been in tune with what I've been writing too.

I moved to a new small town in September and I have had many different experiences and met a few people that, truth be told, I wouldn't trust around my garbage.

I have been in a relationship I knew I would regret, but in a sense, now that I really look at it.. I don't regret it at all.

It's made me look at myself and my life in a whole new light. To him, all I have to say is "I look so good without you".

To my annoying neighbours, "I'd rather have haters say shit to my face than you fake ass bitches who talk behind my back."

To the 17-year-old girl that reminds me so much of me at that age. "Be careful, sweetie. There are people in this world that would love to see you fall. When you do, rise back up and show them who's better. But don't inflate your ego. And I know that awful excuse for a person used you and your feelings, but trust me, there is always people in this world that will always love you for you, and surrounding yourself with those people is the best thing you could do. Chin up, it's not over yet."

I died my hair, started doing my makeup and I see myself in a whole new light. I feel beautiful. I mean, somedays I still have my days.. we all know this. And I'll freak out and treat this more like an awful little journal again, and I'll regret writing certain things.. but now that 2012 is almost at it's end again.. I feel different.

There are so many things that have happened this year and I wouldn't change a single moment of those things because the more obstacles I'm faced with, the stronger my outcome is.

Yes, I still feel weak and vulnerable. Yes, I still have meltdowns. Yes, my shaking comes back a lot. Yes, I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks. Yes, I don't let anyone know about those things.

I don't tell anyone because I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that keeps me smiling everyday, the one thing that makes my heart sing with love even on the days when I feel like my whole world is breaking. My son.

He keeps me going. He's the reason why I have refused to give up on myself, and on my little family. He's the reason why I have figured a lot of stuff out and he's the reason why I am bettering myself everyday - he deserves to see a beautiful, wonderful mother and role model. And I deserve to be that for him.

As usual, my post didn't come out the way I thought it would, but I hope you get the point. I know my awful posts aren't behind me, but I hope you'll continue to read my journey, and I hope that you'll be able to see it all unfold, day by day.

P.S: To my loyal reader, I still read that blog. Every day, I check to see if there's something new - and to re-read old posts. I hope you'll keep it open. And to whoever it is that inspires you.. she's a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful, imaginative person like you around.

As always,

Southpaw Gypsy

I can't handle these nosy neighbors. Especially the one beside me who leaves her door open and never bothers to keep her nose out of anything. I'm so furious right now. Trying to tell me how to raise my son and that he should be quiet. He cries every 3 hours. He gets hungry. HE IS SIX MONTHS OLD. Oh my fuck.

An activity

Go to the Merriam-Webster Word of the Day Web Site (www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day), and write a story based on that word.

Numen

: a spiritual force or influence often identified with a natural object, phenomenon, or place

Read more at http://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day#Stx0CiGJIq1vx48Z.99

 

Selfconciousness and Stupidity

When you get into a relationship, you're supposed to be happy, right?

But tonight I'm not happy. The night before he left, he told me that he cheated on me when we dated when I was 18 because I didn't put out. He hesitated because he thought I was going to argue with him. I didn't argue, I laughed. And I laughed pretty hard. I think I was laughing because I was in shock.

Now, I just feel pathetic. I feel stupid for chasing him again. Now that I know he's cheated on me..
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I think I might have made a mistake.

You want to know what the worst thing is?

He texted me today that he had a long talk with his ex-girlfriend. He said that she was dolled up and that she looked like a cocktease. He also said that she looked good. That's another awful sign. I don't trust him. I feel like he's going to turn around and go back to her, even after all the crap she put him through.

But... what makes me think that she's going to go back with her is because she's beautiful. And she's skinny. But she's a psycho. And I don't know what to do.

How come I'm never good enough? He even told me to wear makeup, and when I did, he didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do? Is it because he thinks that makeup doesn't fix me?

I'm so self-concious right now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know why I bother to put myself out there.
I don't understand what I did to ...

For someone who wasn't into it at first, I feel pretty devastated now. I feel extremely hurt for putting myself out there. I feel... used and confused. I'm...heartbroken, yet again.

I feel sick. I'm upset that I gave into something my heart knew wasn't a good idea.
I knew that he was still hooked on his ex-girlfriend. Yet I figured.. I hoped..

But he says there's no spark. He feels nothing. And I actually feel... something.

But there's nothing I can really do about it now.

A silver lining... or shiny tin foil in the sun?

Okay, my last post was a little weird. What I mean by that is that it didn't really make any sense. It was just this awkward little thought I had. I gotta stop posting like that.

So. things went by really quickly today. I still haven't found a place, but after S and his physio appointment, and the child worker coming, I made some phone calls and I actually got a bed to sleep in now, so I don't have to be so worried.

But, here's the deal. I'm moving to live in a shelter for women fleeing from abuse, but it's an entire city away! Actually, small town of like.. 300. D:

I don't know anyone there except for ironically, my abusive ex-boyfriend, which I am not too happy about.
The last thing I need is to be going for a walk with S and having him randomly show up behind me, or spot me and try to talk to me. Awkward..

I called today, and I leave tomorrow, after my first therapy appointment.

Can you see why my anxiety feels like it's in full swing?

I feel a little bit awkward about going back into therapy. I don't really want to go back to therapy, because of my awful experiences from my last time I was in therapy.

My aunt called them to ask if there was internet available, and they actually weren't sure, but I'm bringing my netbook anyway, just in case. That way, if there is, I can find something to do when it rains or something. And to blog, of course. I hope there's internet, damnit. I really do.

I can't be stuck in the middle of nowhere, AGAIN, without any internet access. >>

I hate changes. I hate when things change. I like routine. I like structure. It completely fucks me up when I'm not "in order". 

What bothers me.. 

I'm completely 

When I'm around people, my mind empties and I'm like this hollow being. I follow orders, however fucked up they are. I'm completely obedient.
It's like, I'm not even my own being. I belong to someone else.. robotic. 





I think what upsets me about it is that I was raised that way. I was raised to keep quiet and follow orders. I was taught that someone else's opinion was more important than my own, and I should take what's given to me.

More Changes

I don't know what it is about waking up early, but I know that 6 hours later, I'm always feeling so drained. 
I don't know if it's the complete lack of naps or the fact that my body hates me when I wake up at 6 am.. I don't really know. 

As you can probably see, I've made more changes to the blog, adding stuff, moving stuff around.. as I become more and more aware and okay with the blog, I'm making it more original. Or at least, as original as a complete internet-illiterate person possibly can. 

I forgot to do a lot of things lately. I didn't call the shelter, I didn't book S' stomach ultrasound and I haven't packed yet. 

I'm just.. not ready to face change once again. I've become comfortable and I don't want my life completely upside down again. I don't like it. I think it's terrible. 

I'm scared of the future and the unknown. Is this a sad fact? You tell me. 

Changes

I'm not really one for being excited about changes. I have never liked them. I don't like waking up and feeling like today is another day where anything can happen - good or bad. I like structure, routine and planning because I feel like it's safe and controlled and predictable - I know what's coming next. 

I was assigned a new worker again. I don't like how my life is getting passed around constantly by different people. I am a closed and reserved person professionally. I don't like my whole life being plastered around. I don't care how many confidentiality contracts are being signed. If too many people know about me and my issues, then the contracts are a moot point. 

I don't mind blogging because I know that I'm still somewhat anonymous in my own personal thoughts and opinions. 

Anyway.. I don't know what I think about this new worker. I also don't like how she sided with my Uncle D like she knew how he could relate when there is nothing relatable to him. I dislike how he always makes me look like I'm the bad guy for wanting some control over my own adult life.. I also hate how he calls me a disrespectful child when I am trying to prove myself. He accuses me of lying to people, when I have told nothing but the truth. 

Honestly, I think he believes I'm lying because somewhere in his own demented little world, he's the victim and I am the evil witch "out to get him". It's pathetic, really. I have never met anyone so full of his own demons.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so I'm not going to be stupid and try. I just feel bad that he wasn't and isn't a considerate human being. As soon as my workers are out of my life, he will be too. I don't need any added negativity in my life. It's poisonous and not an example I want to show my son. 

My son deserves more than people like that in his life. 


Update;
The apartment search continues! I have been looking, and looking and looking, including emailing a lot of places that are somewhat within my affordable range. 

No luck. 

Seems the places that I have e-mailed don't e-mail me back, or when they do, they kindly tell me that the place has already been rented. Yeah, like that helps me a lot. But.. at least they're nice about it. 

Looks like in a little over a week, I'll have to move to a shelter. If they will even accept me.. I don't know how many times I've asked to be in a shelter before, while pregnant and in actual danger.. but I wasn't helped. I hate it. The people in my town have no idea what priority is, apparently. 

I guess it's true what they say. For everything, you really do need to know people. 

I guess I don't know the right people. 


... I hope I'm saved from this hell soon. 

I have been thinking.. there's a lot of things that I need to figure out. I know that I have to fix myself. I need to go back to being who I was... no. Scratch that. I can't change the past. I can't go back. I know if I could go back, I would change a few things.. but would I really? The past is what makes you who you are today, but the future makes you who you want to be, right? 

When I look into my son's eyes, I see promise, happiness and innocence. I see opportunity, hope and faith. I see no judgement. I see purity. I see adventure and discovery. 

A while back I had thoughts that I don't belong on this earth. That people could benefit from my absence. But through experiencing traumatic loss, I've discovered just how much I value my life, and life in general. 

 

My son

Soft skin blurred flawless
Heart smiles in innocence
Laughter without abandon
His emotions apparent and cradled
Softly exposed without judgement


I am thankful for S. I am thankful I have the chance to be with somebody that wakes me up in the morning, every morning, and makes me thank God for letting me have such a precious little boy as he is. He makes me learn so much as he learns too. We discover at the same time what its like to live in this world. He sees the world through innocent eyes as I see it with tainted ones. He shows me every day what love is and what it truly means to live. 

His eyes are like puzzle pieces. When I look at them, I see him looking back, questioning, wondering. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world because without him, I wouldn't have meaning. I wouldn't have the passion to discover, learn or teach. I wouldn't know the love I feel when he's here. I fear I wouldn't know love at all. He has become my muse, my inspiration that I had been lacking for quite some time. With him, I will always know that in my life it is for certain that I did something right - that I am forever changed by his small, innocent self. 

Hello readers. 

Well it looks to be another day in the neighborhood. I had to buy yet another keyboard since my sleek n' slim one decided that it just wanted to completely not work. I guess that's what I get for pay twenty dollars for it. 

I got another keyboard, naturally. This one is the same price, but it's one of those old school, makes a lot of noise for nothing ones. 

I know that it types better than the other one, judging by how fast I'm typing and I don't have to press backspace as much as I had to with the other one. 

Sure it might make more noise than the other one, but I am happy to report that I would rather have a noisy keyboard, then a half-functioning, rage face one. 


...Needless to say, I might in the near future take that last statement back. But, as it stands right now, that's exactly how I feel. 

I'd just like to say a few words.

If anyone catches me falling for anyone at anytime, tell me that it's not worth it.

..I really can't stand these months of heartache and hell.

-sighs-

I'm not in the frame of mind that I need to be. There's so much going on in my head; about moving mostly. But one thing just keeps going to the top of my "to-do list" that I can't seem to shake off.

I'm not comfortable with my body. I don't like the way it looks, I don't like the way it feels, I don't like it at all.

For a while, especially during the last months of my pregnancy and the first few months after S was born, I felt incredibly confident about my body. I felt sexy, and proud. I didn't care that I had a belly the size of a pumpkin and I didn't mind showing it off, under clothing, of course.

But now... looking at my body naked in the mirror, I see nothing but flaws. The deep scarring of my stretch marks, the loose, hanging skin. I feel completely repulsed by what I see that I can't help but wonder if I'll ever love myself the way I did in those short months.

I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I can't touch my arms, my belly or my legs without feeling completely disgusted. Even if I was smaller, I don't think I'll ever accept myself, my body, for what it is.

I guess it doesn't help that I haven't found someone that accepts my natural body either. I won't even get into the whole soul bit. Nobody has ever regarded my body to be beautiful, or perfect just the way it is. Nobody has ever looked at me the way I should be looked at, or even thought that I had a beautiful body.

I know I'm not supposed to think this way, but how am I supposed to love what I have, if I've never been told that it's something to love?

It doesn't help that I have "a few extra pounds" either, as people put it.

What was supposed to be a boring 'fetching snacks for the kids' ....

....turned out to be me wishing that I hadn't gone with my aunt to town to the grocery and dollar store.

What hit me and how I felt took me completely by surprise. Literally.

We did mindless running around first, to get green for my aunt's son, and hang out with a few of our mutual friends, then we pulled into the parking spot and I felt so oblivious, I probably should of guessed what was going to happen.

I got to the dollar store, confident in knowing that I don't look like a bum or a mom with no style. I looked adorable and I knew it. My best friend was working, so I said hi. I figured that since she was working, he wouldn't be there - they rarely work together. I was getting random items around the cash register station with my uncle and she turns to me, and says: "I would have told you sooner but he's worki--" only to stop right there, and have me turn around. There he was, with a basket in one hand, his apron tied around his waist. I swallowed hard and looked away quickly, trying to resume my conversation with my aunt, very aware of my fidgeting and voice pitched just a little too high.

He disappeared and I remembered to finally breathe. But it was too late, I was shaking, face hot and feeling so weak any second I'd drop to the floor.

He appeared again. This time, he was talking about some kids who came in just to steal chocolate, eat some of it, and spit the rest all over one of the aisles. I looked everywhere but where he stood. I wondered if he could see how badly I was out of control of my own actions.

He didn't notice. I laughed nervously. "That sucks."

I turned around quickly, voice still too high pitched. "Is this all?" to my aunt, who was in front of me.

Then, I turned to go in the opposite direction and he was inches away from me. I stopped, unable to get myself to move, still shaking. "So, how have you been?" he said. "Good, haven't had a decent amount of sleep in a while.." I replied.

"Haha, yeah. That's what babies like S do. And then they grow up to be bratty kids like those ones." he said.

I stammered something along the lines of: "They weren't raised right."

I left the store shortly after that. Even after 3 hours, I'm still shaking, my heart's still pounding and my knees are so damn weak.

I can't help it. I don't know what to do. He won't give me the time of day. I can't stop feeling like a fool, my body and heart betraying me like that. I want to cry, but I can't. There's no tears. I just feel so damn stupid for acting like a preteen with beiber fever. Ugh, damn you stupid heart.

Living Here Far Away

I Am Yours

Living There Far Away

You Are Mine

Love Is Not Made

Of Bodies Only

Deep In Our Hearts 

Is Where We Are One

---

Today's update.

I didn't end up babysitting. I had to cancel an hour because my aunt woke up throwing up. I feel awful because no matter how much I try to be reliable, I can't because I have to constantly deal with everyone else. Ugh.

Well, it started out good.. now I know it's gonna end bad..

Good morning!

It's been an interesting couple of days, but I'm making it work. My aunt finally got home yesterday, and part of me wishes she'd just stayed where she was. I would have taken the 'bar fight scene' in my living room every evening and night with my twin uncles over her complaining any day. I missed having her around, but after last night.. it kind of makes me wonder just why I missed her in the first place.

I enjoyed cleaning and taking care of everyone (and I do mean everyone) while she was gone. It gave me a reason to keep busy, and made my days short. Which to be honest, is great most of the time. I wasn't exactly bored anymore, which was also nice.

So, before she came home, the house was in a little bit of a mess, so I decided to clean the entire house before she came back home, so that she could go upstairs and just rest a little bit - it was a long trip back home.

But she came in, and it was like I didn't do any work at all. There is no pleasing this lady! Every little bit of cleaning seemed like I did it for nothing because it was obviously not good enough.

So, I said screw it. If you're not going to like the fact that I basically slaved over the entire house with a screaming baby and nagging twin uncles, fine, suit yourself.

I had to try and tune out her incessant bitching, while S continued to wail.

Both my aunt and uncle went to bed at 8 PM, and after relaxing for a couple of hours, I was out at 10:30 PM, and I couldn't have been happier. S let me sleep in until 6 AM. I woke up having some decent sleep feeling like a somewhat normal human being. It was nice. Basically 8 hours sleep. I'm a lucky lady.


Today is going to be an interesting day. My uncle failed to explain to my aunt that I had to babysit today. Two kids under 4 months, overnight. Told my friend Lisa that I would babysit little L for her overnight, if in return she would babysit little S for me on September 6th overnight, so I could go out. I don't really feel like going out, honestly, but my aunt and uncle want birthday smushing. Bleh.

So, my aunt is in for a big surprise, and I'm gonna have one hell of a time if she thinks that I'm going to decline babysitting last minute to please her. My uncle had no problem with it when the plans were made, and if she has a problem with it, then I'm staying put, in the house, with my baby on his birthday, and nobody is going to like that.

I've got to relax. It's early, really early in the morning and I'm the only one awake. Even little S went back to sleep. And I can already feel myself tensing up again with the thought that I'm going to have to deal with that cranky butt today. I hate when they don't want me to do anything for other people, but they always expect other people to bend for me. I hate it. It makes me seem like an incredibly selfish person, and I'm exhausted from it.

Now that she's here again, I'm counting the days until I can get the hell out of here.

And to think, when it was just me and my uncle, the two dogs and S, I was happy. Like, dancing around the kitchen bare feet, singing 'Hakuna Matata' and 'I Just Can't Wait (To Be King)' to a smiling S. It was an amazing feeling. Now I'm back to so tense I can't move my back without feeling like I'm going to pull something, and feeling like I'm about to lose my freaking mind.

Well, I'm not looking forward to today. Not at all... not at all..

Psychology, maybe?

I'm always the one who has the best relationship advice, yet I'm the only single one around. How is that fair?
My friend says that I should go into psychology, since I'm always right.
My passion for psychology isn't to prove how right I am. It basically stems from my curiosity in how humans function. What makes them do what they do, what makes them tick, what makes them break down.

Okay, so I'm basically wanting to take psychology to analyze myself. I want to know why I do the things I do and if what I do is on purpose or by accident, or what my brain is transmitting for me.

I've started a small idea on a book, finally. I doubt it will get anywhere. My interests in finding myself and establishing worthwhile and life changing goals will probably get in the way of realizing one of my dreams of becoming an author of a book nobody read.

 I just finished watching a movie that had me in the fetus position, crying hard, rocking myself back and forth and grabbing my hair like a crazy person.



I am nothing more than a broken, shattered child.

Academics, Alex? For 500?

Today had me thinking a bit about what I'm doing with my time.
Which got me to what I want to do -right now-
Which then got me thinking about what kind of job or occupation I wanted down the line, or in the near future.

Here's what I got as short results:
1. I'm doing nothing with my time (apart from raising my son) other than housework and mindless facebook games.
2. What I wish I was doing right now, was enrolling in some classes, just so I can feel comfortable in having deadlines and assignments again.
3. I don't know what I 'want to be when I "grow up",' but my aunt F said that if I like writing, I should be a speechmaker for important people. But what if I don't like these people. How am I supposed to write convincing speeches to people I don't like? The answer seems simple enough: Don't write speeches for people you don't like. But what if I have no choice and I need the money? Doesn't seem like honest work to me. I guess most work is far from honest - the worst reality of it all.

I want to be able to write a lot. I want to be able to do a lot more with my life than sitting at home, raising a baby. I want to show people that even though I'm a single mother.. I can be so much more. I want to prove to people that I'm smart and kind and hard-working, even when faced with interesting and slightly troubling situations.

Like, I want to go to college. But before I can do that.. I have to be able to finish my one stupid high school credit. And I can't finish that one stupid high school credit, until I start Family Enrichment again - which starts on September 4th, about 22 days away.

Why can't I do things when I want to do them? Why should I have to wait to be able to accomplish something?

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO NOT WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO??


...Ahem.
I guess what brought this all on is that a couple of weeks ago, I decided to buy a planner, so I can keep track of appointments, both me and S'. I thought I had a lot of appointments, because before that book, I could never keep track of them all. Now, I feel like there isn't enough appointments. Like, there is way too much time in between that I'm just wasting doing nothing, when I could be doing a lot of things.

What bothers me is that I want to be able to go to school. Bring S to daycare while I try to earn something that brings me closer to a career and a better life for me and my boy.

But what bothers me more is that I'm more motivated to do things when I have no life, when I'm living right out of town where it's nearly impossible to do anything and when I'm way too bored for my own good because I've run out of things to do, to clean and to take care of.

This weekend, while my Aunt J is away, I am acting housemother until she gets back. I don't know what that means. And, I recieved the title under protest - I didn't want her to leave in the first place because that meant my twin uncles would be home and drinking and I'd have to balance 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby while trying to clean the house. Naturally I did it, and not without complaint (which I solemnly deserved to point out), and I still managed to be bored enough to stay on the computer - S sleeps a lot lately.

-sighs-
I guess that's enough for now. Don't want to bore you. God knows I'm boring myself.

We're meant to lose the people we love. 
How else would we know how important they are to us?


Today has me thinking about a lot of things. Mostly about my mother. 

I can't do this right now...

It's thunderstorming pink & blue...

Yesterday was an interesting day.
After the pancake mess, which I didn't actually clean up, I left with the baby and my girlfriend to hang out.
Before I did, I made sure to leave a note that I wasn't in fact cleaning it up. (My uncle later stated, when I got home again, that I completely threw him under the bus - I didn't feel bad, he made the mess, he should be the one to clean it up again).

Our hanging out consisted of going to the mall and then to her parent's house for dinner, which happens every time we hang out.

But what was different was the entire time, we were talking about pregnancy and babies. I was trying to tell her how hard it is to raise a child, from the single viewpoint (because that the only viewpoint I have), and how life changes drastically, and how you might already have an idea of how hard it is now, but you don't really know until it actually happens in reality.

I explained to her that she needs to know when she's going to conceive, possible due dates and finding out approximately when she ovulates. I told her that I don't really want her to get pregnant, but knowing information can save her a lot of trouble.

I gave her a 5-hour speech. I'm hoping that she knows more now, but it's all up to her. I told her I'd support her if she ever did get pregnant, but I also mentioned that I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I might have it a little easier because I have a pretty easy baby, but easy babies aren't exactly still easy to take care of.

After coming home, I settled back in with the baby with cuddles, S didn't want to sleep, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, at 8:30 PM, it's started pouring and storming hard. By 9, we had lost power. S wouldn't go to sleep finally until 12:30 AM, and by that point, after trying to calm him down, I was exhausted. We both slept soundly until 6:30 AM, he ate, and finally now, at 10:30 AM, he's finally back to sleep for his morning nap. Power came back at exactly 7 AM, and I was actually able to warm up his bottle and not give him lukewarm formula.

This morning, I have the awesome task at cleaning the kitchen... again.
There was garbage and dishes everywhere. I got the garbage cleaned up, but now it's time for dishes.

My friend is coming again today at 3:30 PM after work so we can hang out again. Before then, I have to clean up the kitchen and my bedroom - not forgetting laundry. Ugh, does it ever end?

Pancakes made with UGH.

S is crying again, finally waking up from his 3-hour sleep after his last feeding at 5:30 am. I go downstairs to make him a bottle, and I am completely shocked at the kitchen's condition, just 3 hours after my last visit.

PANCAKES. PANCAKES EVERYWHERE.

There's pancake mix all over the entire counterspace, both dry and wet, all over the stove, what looks like every single bowl in the house was used, cups, forks, spoons, butter, the pan.. etc..

Then there's the bowl filled to about half with old pancake mix, that looks like it's been sitting for days.

I'm completely disgusted.

Someone else is awake. I can hear the shower going. I'm staring at the mess, and quite frankly, I don't want to clean it up. I don't want to bother myself. It's completely disgusting.

Gah.

And this is what I have to look forward to...

I read this on a Not Always Related website:

(I am talking online about parenting.)
Me: “Argh. I look over and she’s standing in a puddle of pee with a purple crayon shoved up her nose.”
Friend: “If anyone ever asks you what it’s like to have a toddler, you just quote that line right there.”

A survey.

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
yes
Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
in
Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
no
Do you like to use post-it notes?
yes
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
yes
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
bees
Do you have freckles?
yes
Do you always smile for pictures?
not always
What is your biggest pet peeve?
people drinking out of my glasses without permission
Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
i have a few times
Have you ever peed in the woods?
yes
What about pooped in the woods?
no
Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
yes
Do you chew your pens and pencils?
yes
How many people have you slept with this week?
none
What size is your bed?
queen
What is your Song of the week?
"Jumpin, Jumpin"
Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
yes
Do you still watch cartoons?
yes
Whats your least favorite movie?
Any Barbie movie
Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, you'd find it.
What do you drink with dinner?
juice, water
What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
honey
What is your favorite food?
cake
What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
the time traveler's wife
Last person you kissed/kissed you?
james
Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
no
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
about a month ago
Can you change the oil on a car?
no
Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no
Ran out of gas?
yes
Favorite kind of sandwich?
tomato
Best thing to eat for breakfast?
bacon
What is your usual bedtime?
2 am
Are you lazy?
yes
When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
an m&m
What is your Chinese astrological sign?
goat, i think. maybe sheep
How many languages can you speak?
2
Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no
Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos
Are you stubborn?
yes
Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
letterman
Ever watch soap operas?
yes
Afraid of heights?
yes
Sing in the car?
yes
Dance in the shower?
yes
Dance in the car?
yes
Ever used a gun?
no
Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
school pictures
Do you think musicals are cheesy?
sometimes
Is Christmas stressful?
yes
Ever eat a pierogi?
yes
Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
nurse, fireman
Do you believe in ghosts?
yes
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes
Take a vitamin daily?
no
Wear slippers?
no
Wear a bath robe?
no
What do you wear to bed?
PJ's
First concert?
great big sea
Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Wal-Mart
Nike or Adidas?
Nike
Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts
Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
Ever take dance lessons?
no
Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
archetect
Can you curl your tongue?
yes
Ever won a spelling bee?
never been in one
Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yes
Own any record albums?
no
Own a record player?
no
Regularly burn incense?
no
Ever been in love?
yes
Who would you like to see in concert?
Mariana's Trench
What was the last concert you saw?
can't remember
Hot tea or cold tea?
hot tea
Tea or coffee?
tea
Sugar or snickerdoodles?
sugar
Can you swim well?
yes
Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
no
Are you patient?
sometimes
DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ
Ever won a contest?
no
Ever have plastic surgery?
no
Which are better black or green olives?
black
Can you knit or crochet?
no
Best room for a fireplace?
living room
Do you want to get married?
yes
If married, how long have you been married?
never been
Who was your HS crush?
james
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i have before
Do you have kids?
yes
Do you want kids?
yes
Whats your favorite color?
blue
Do you miss anyone right now?
yes
Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
no

"Cute baby. Niiiice legs!"

"Melissa, boil water."
"Melissa, make me a tea."
"Melissa, put the kettle on, I want a coffee."
"Melissa, make me a tea, you always make it perfect."
"Melissa, why isn't the kettle boiled already? Didn't I ask you to make me a tea? Make your uncle a coffee too, while you're at it."

These are just some of the 'orders' I am asked to fulfill throughout the day, and most definitely in the early aftenoons, which is their morning, when they finally get up to start the day.

Am I upset over this? Not really. I just count it as trying to please them. My days are filled with orders and tasks done to please, on top of caring for my son, which is a whole 'nother job on it's own.

This afternoon, when my aunt decided to wake up finally, I was able to go to the mall with S to pick up his various essentials. My uncle, always too sick to play babysitter, again refused to watch him. After much pleading and trying to show how important it is that I pick up the essentials today, she decided that I could bring S along with me.

Naturally, she drove me to the mall and dropped me and S off. I got everything that I needed and I was finished within the hour. I waited another 2 hours for her text saying that she's back to pick me up. Never got a text until finally she called me. She asked if I was done, I said: "Since about 2 hours ago" and then she told me that she was on her way to pick me up.

Walking to Walmart to meet her, I was stopped by an old friend of mine, she checked out the baby, complimenting him on his 'cuteness' and how much hair he had, and then she turned to me and said simply: "You look smaller!"

I was naturally startled by the comment, and replied with: "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, even before you got pregnant, you look good, Mel. Really."

I said: "Uh, thanks!" and we both went our separate way.

Needless to say, I got a random compliment from a stranger, once I got closer to Walmart, which sounded like: "Cute baby. Niiiice legs!" I smiled. I couldn't help it. I do have a cute baby.

Tonight, I've been spending most of my time typing away at this $19 keyboard I spoiled myself with, trying to get used to the keys. It's sleek, smooth and kinda looks like one of those fancy Mac keyboards, nothing at all like the 1998 version of keyboard that I have been using, which nearly broke on me - so I'm glad I spoiled myself. I'm getting better and better at typing with it. I'm not making as many mistakes as I was when I first started, nearly 3 hours ago.

Three hours.. I never know how long I've really been online until I look at the time, and think: "Wow, I spend a lot of time on the internet."

I got a text message from my friend Isabel about an hour ago, telling me that her boyfriend dumped her. Again. I'm always getting messages from her, always telling me that her newest boyfriend dumped her, because "he isn't interested in a relationship right now" or "he's just not right for her" or "I work all the time, it's not fair to you". I never know what to tell her. Thankfully this time, all I had to say was "I'm sorry. He's just stupid."

Then, she texted me with: "I'm sorry that I pushed our plans back because of him. Wanna hang out around 1-ish tomorrow afternoon?"

Of course I said yes. She has a reliable car, and I know without question that she'll want to hang out with S too. She enjoys him, and isn't like one of those friends that always make you feel bad that you have a child, and can't do what they want when they want to all the time.

I'm looking forward to it. It'll get me out of the house, she'll have her CD playing good music, she'll vent to me and all I'll have to do is smile and nod and say stuff occasionally like: "Let's go find cute guys at the mall!" She'll decline, of course, and I'll smile again. Because I know she knows I hate pointing out cute guys, and screaming "Dat ass!" out loud, while hiding behind a clothes rack.

... I'll do it without hiding behind the clothes rack. =P

Oh, post-pregnancy, you can really get a bolder sense of yourself. :)

- Melly

Sleeping Beast Before Beauty

The night before last:
As I'm sitting here, the clock barely ticking midnight, I'm staring at my novel collection of English literature. I realize that I don't want to read it. I don't want to read over again the well-read pages, it's spine beginning to give. I want to read a new book, a new adventure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today:

I should have gotten more sleep last night. My nights are never well-rested, getting up, unwillingly to soothe little S, change diapers and feed. It seems the more that S grows, the more he wants to eat, the more irritation he seems to feel about nothing in general and the more I feel irritated for him, for the sleep deprivation I receive. It's fine for him, if he doesn't sleep at night, he sure likes to take advantage and sleep during the day. No matter how many different times people tell me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', you think I can do that? No, I can't. he sleeps when I have to clean, or fetch something for someone, or clean, or... y'know, clean.

Yesterday, I got what I asked for, and I got several new adventures. My newest revelation sparked a whole new perspective on my sexual viewpoint, and I was all the better for it. I love discovering new things. After a talk with an old friend, and a new book, it's first part already read, I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, anxious for tomorrow to come so I could finish part two, which I actually had to research online.

Waking 3-4 times a night to be there for S has really taken a toll on how I view people. Basically, I'm no longer nice and sweet to those who have hurt me or test my limits. I've gotten to the point that I don't care who you are, if you're a bad person, with my lack of sleep and patience, I'm going to point it out to you. Although, to be honest, the only people that have gotten to see that side of me was my aunt and uncle. And, quite frankly, most of the time, they deserve it. Well, my uncle at least.

I don't really feel like writing much right now, as I've just woken up for the final time and have just finished feeding S. I have to get my sore, aching body from out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and look somewhat presentable, just on the off chance that I -might- be granted access to town so I can buy S & I more grub and other necessary essentials. My aunt told me that I might be permitted to go with her, depending on how my uncle feels physically, to be able to take care of S while I'm gone. I'd take him with me, but the car is 2 seconds from breakdown on the highway, and I wouldn't risk S or his safety for that.

I can already feel that if I get dressed and look presentable and ready to go shopping, that I'm not going to be able to go shopping, at all. My aunt is going to make some excuse that my uncle is too sore to get out of bed, and that S won't be properly cared for, and I should and have to stay home. To be honest, I find it completely ridiculous. And this happens over and over and I'm always expecting a different result. Stupid, stupid me.

The truth is, I can't actually wait another day to do this, because it would be like waiting another week, and S is almost out of formula. I've got a brand new box of diapers, yes, but they are the wrong size, he needs a size bigger. And I'm out of food. I am not paying $50 a night for a supper that I don't even eat $2 worth, just so my aunt can take all the money I have, and then ask for more. Considering I can make $50 worth of food last for 2 weeks, she's not getting a cent more. I already have to pay her $110 dollars for absolutely no fucking reason at all, considering she thinks I ate her food after I was released from the hospital with S, when actually, I was still eating my own food. But whatever, I don't need her banshee screaming all up in my face again, so I'll play along.

I guess I've procrastinated long enough. Time to shower and get disappointed once again. 

Hospitals, Grandmothers & Crap, oh my.

Morning, readers.

If you're wondering why I haven't been updating the blog in exactly a week now, I might as well tell you I have a good reason for it.

S was sent to the hospital last Sunday for some tests. At first, I was told that we would only be there for a couple of days, just for observation because they were concerned like I was on why he wasn't gaining any weight.

...I was there until Friday.

Needless to say, I was quite frustrated, given the fact that I didn't bring anything more than what I would need for about two days, like they had said I would be in there for.

But it was good, aside from the fact that they only tested him one day.

I thought these tests were going to happen throughout the week, but they hadn't.

S was released from hospital on Friday because he showed signs of gaining weight just like they want him to - thanks to extra calories in his milk. Even though we still have to go to CHEO, I'm glad that we didn't have to stay in the hospital any longer waiting on test results that could take up to 4-6 weeks to arrive.

On Friday afternoon, I had called my grandmother to come and pick us up from the hospital so we could go home. But first, she dragged us to the mall. Complaining about how sore and tired she was all through the mall, on top of telling me just how fat she thinks I am and how I should wear loose clothing to mask it over and over again... I had had enough.

I told her RIGHT THERE, in the dressing room, exactly what I thought of her words. I told her that putting me in baggy clothing will only make me look bigger and that I was comfortable with how I looked, and if she didn't like it, we could stop 'shopping' alltogether, and she could drive me home without another word said.

Needless to say, she looked completely frazzled. She looked completely flabergasted that I could even have stood up for myself like that. She's used to me succumbing to everyone's little charade of manipulation and I think I might have shown her that I'm not to be played with like someone's little pawn anymore. I'm my own person, I'm someone's mother and I will not be manipulated in any sort of way - not anymore. Although it might have gotten some nasty looks from some people, I was totally proud of myself. And I didn't care what anyone thought.

The worst part is that she tried to win my love back by buying me things. I hate when she does that. But, I couldn't really argue on the stuff she was buying me - I was almost out of money and I still need to buy a little bit more for S.

Plus, I really needed a new pair of shoes.

I came home around 8 and really didn't do any housework at all. I was exhausted with frustration at my grandmother and exhausted from being at the hospital all week. S fell asleep early, and so did I.

Yesterday, I decided that I needed to do some laundry and clean up the mess that I had made in my bedroom packing last Sunday.

Last night was a rough night. Seb wouldn't stop screaming. Every time I put him down to clean or go to the bathroom, he would scream. As soon as I picked him up, he'd stop crying. During the night, he woke up every single hour until 4 AM, then went 3 hours without stirring. So finally, I could have some sleep at least, until 7:30 AM. After his feeding, he went right back down to sleep and I decided that I was just going to get up and start the day already. There's no sense going back to bed when I know he's going to get up in another hour again. Might as well get some dishes done that I didn't do last night and possibly re-organize the bedroom a little more than the half-fast job I did last night.

- Melly

Mom's burial day

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane
Put these padded edges in my brain
Connect and reconnect them two by two
Make it easier for when I'm missing you


It's late. 
By late, I probably mean really early in the morning, but the sun hasn't risen so I guess it's still classified as night, and therefore late. 
I wanted to write about today, which happened to be the day Mom was buried. 

The day started off at 10:30 AM, when both me and S were picked up by my aunt to drive to the camp with my sister to dump ashes there. We decided that placing ashes by the beach that she cleared up and cleaned was appropriate, and her fire pit - because everyone knows Mom loved her fires. 

After that, we drove to Bonfield - to the cemetary where my grandfather and my uncle are buried. We get there, followed by my grandmother and my uncle, only to realize that they've dug at the wrong spot. The pastor did everything he could to fix the issue, and told us that it would be fixed today. We all decided it would be best to go and grab some lunch while we wait. We decided to go to Greco's on Algonquin. Deluxe pizza and quesadillas to share. TF got to feed the baby, and hold him and spend as much time as she possibly could with him. I'm really glad. She seems to really enjoy him and that makes me happy. She says S looks a lot like my father. I guess my genes really dominated his facial features. =P 

Anyway, after lunch we get a call saying that the plot is ready now, so we go back on the road and back to the cemetary. Did I mention that the pastor kept apologizing profusely, saying that this type of mix-up has never happened before... but I just thought that it was perfect. It just reminded me that there was never a dull moment with Mom and that everyday never really went as planned, but it was always better that way. Who wants a perfectly predictable life anyway? 

So, we get there once more, T lowers her box into the ground, we all stand there and then throw some dirt. Then, there's some goodbyes, and we all pack into the car and drive back into town and then drop me off. That's about it. 

That is the short and sweet version about what happened today. Tomorrow TF wants me and S and T to go back to the cemetery to fix up the tree that's seemingly diseased and not quite as alive as it was before. I didn't really see anything wrong with it, to be honest. But, she said that she'd rather go to Laporte's then go back to the plot and dig out the tree, and I believe replace it with another one. I don't mind - gets me out of the house and away from unnecessary drama. 

After fixing the tree, she suggested we go to Dairy Queen, to celebrate our efforts. Then, I must go home again to pack and prepare to go and spend a couple of days at the hospital so S can be monitored. 

Not sure if this was mentioned, but he's not gaining much weight. He's never lost any weight, just not gaining as much as they would like him to gain. So, they are going to monitor his food consumption, his pees and poos, etc. They also want to do a chromosomal blood test. And, a heart, kidney and digestive tract ultrasound just to see if there's anything wrong all in there. 

 

Why is the patio table so damn high?

Hello again.
I think the whole 'put Blogger as your homepage' really helped me out. I completely forgot about the blog again, and then opening my little foxy icon it pops up, and I'm like: "Oh yeah! My blog."

I've just woken up for the day. 1:30 PM currently, although the time will change as I continue the post, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and just having finished feeding S. 

I've started reading books to him. I like that after a half-chapter, he's already falling asleep. I think that the sound of me clicking the keyboard is soothing too, because ...nevermind, he's squirming and awake.. maybe I should go make him more formula... 


Okay, now where was I? 

S is gone for his afternoon nap, and I'm taking advantage of being outside while the breeze is nice enough that the temperature doesn't feel like you're dying. The sun is barely out so it's cloudy, and even so, I'm under the umbrella. 

My aunt is yet again gone for the day. My uncle is sleeping, like usual. I think I like having this time to relax. It makes me feel better. 

I had a rough sleep. Yet again not going to bed until 4:30 AM, despite the fact that I was awake at 6 AM yesterday. I have no idea what my energy is going to be like tonight or if I'm going to have a good night's sleep. I'm starting to understand that everyday changes and this routine I thought I had is so null and void. I'm trying to keep a schedule, really trying. S has a schedule/routine now, but I'm scrambling to complete housework and my daily duties. Seems like there's never enough time in the day to do anything. Except today. I've already done all my duties/housework, and I've only been awake for 3 hours. 

Early in the morning this morning, I think I told my uncle to F off. I don't know if I dreamed it or if it actually happened. But I remember him hovering over S's crib, and then when I looked again, he wasn't there. I'll have to ask him if that actually happened, and if it did, I'll have to apologize because I don't want him to think that I'm a terrible person in the morning. 

Speaking of mornings, sometimes I like them and sometimes I don't. It all depends on what my sleep that night was like. Because I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 AM and he must have been in there around 7:30 AM, I understand my foul mood. But I keep thinking is what if S was awake and walking towards my bed and he was trying to get my attention and I told him to F off. Just thinking about it kills me. 

I remember feeling that once I said it, I regretted it. I felt like absolute shit. I'm never in a foul mood when S wakes me up in the middle of the night, and no one is up to hear about it. But as soon as Uncle D comes in my room just to check up on S, I tell him to F off? Gah - if he remembers me telling him that, I'm sure I'm in for one hell of a lecture. Here's hoping his memory fails him today. No - I have to bring it up. It's only fair that I apologize to him for being an absolute idiot while I'm sure I was still asleep, because it sure didn't feel like I was awake and aware of what was coming out of my mouth. 

I hate that. I hate that I talk in my sleep. And more so, I hate that I'm saying profanities in my sleep. What kind of mother does that make me? What kind of person does that make me? 

I wish that this chair didn't recline so much. For a metal/steel/some kind of hard material chair, you'd think that it wasn't so reclined. I want to be able to type, and the table goes up to my chest, and the chair's all reclined, makes for a very uncomfortable position. I feel like I'm a short person trying to sit at a kitchen table. It's a really high table. It's like I live with a bunch of giants - but my aunt is like 3 cm's shorter than I am, and my uncle is slightly taller, but not by much. Why is the patio table so damn high?

 

July 18, 2012

I've been awake since 6 AM. I haven't been awake at that time and felt well-rested in a long time. S is still sleeping away the morning like him and I usually do, which has been the normality for a long time until last night I finally decided to go to bed at a decent hour. S usually lays down for bed between 10:30-11, and I was sleeping by 12 AM. It's been a while since I had six hours of uninterrupted sleep. I have to say that I'm glad I went to bed early. I think I'll keep this a habit. It will benefit both me and S. I'll be able to be awake and in a better mood, and a better mother for him. 


Looks like the rest of the house is slowly waking up. My aunt and uncle usually sleep well into the afternoon, so most of the mornings I take advantage of sleeping in with S too. However, unlike most mornings, I'm awake and calm and feeling a little better emotionally than I have in a while. 


Don't get me wrong. I'm usually a pretty optimistic person - but over the last couple of months my life has been drastically changing, and I'll admit, for the better. I had the chance that many are denied in life - birthing a child. Although it wasn't naturally, which I'm somewhat glad for, I still am able to produce a child. It may not have been in the right circumstances, but life sometimes takes interesting turns and S has changed my life for the better. 


S is a remarkable human being. Still so small, he's already taught me so many things. Seeing the world through his eyes I understand what it's like to be full of life. He's a strong, timid yet curious and stubborn little fellow, and I love him. I can honestly say that I didn't know what unconditional love was until he came around. 


Every day is a new day full of love and possibilities. I'm enjoying reading to him at night and in the early mornings, and showing him new things. I'm also enjoying the moments when he shows me just how much he's already learned. And let me tell you, he's already learned so much. 


In the last couple of days, he's learned to track people. Basically, when someone talks, or moves or something falls, he follows the movement & conversation with his eyes. He wiggles and kicks and punches the air a lot. He's discovered his hands, and likes to self-soothe and eat his fists. Although, he hasn't quite grasped just yet that he can't stuff his entire fist in his mouth - which, as a mother, I'm thankful. 


He likes to shuffle his entire body towards things - but only if he desperately wants them. I was in a mommy and me class, and he wiggled towards a stuffed sheep so hard and eagerly, just to stuff the little mini stuffed sheep in his mouth like Kirby. 


It was the cutest thing in the world! I'm very lucky to have a child like S. He's a happy baby; an easy baby like most people say. He doesn't cry all day, everyday. He fusses for maybe a half hour every once in a while during the day and he's started to sleep his nights. For a small baby, he has a big appetite. During the day, he cries to tell me he's hungry approximately every three hours, and during feedings, he usually takes in between 4-6 oz. And that's a lot for an almost two month old! Can you believe he's going to be two months on July 25? I can't. Now I understand when mothers say: "It feels like just yesterday I gave birth to you.."


S is the center of my world, as he should be. I'm learning to leave the little negativities in my head tucked away where their voices cannot be heard, and really enjoy the little things in life that make life so damn complete. I know - my life is not complete, according to social standards. I'm not married, I don't have a boyfriend or a house of my own. Most people would consider myself being pretty stupid for having a son so early, and not being in the perfect cookie-cutter picture perfect family setting. But who cares? I'm living my life the way I'm meant to live it and for the time being, I'm happy doing so. 


Okay - so I'm not really enjoying living with my aunt and uncle. And life gets chaotic all living under the same roof. Especially when my aunt's son comes over (he always brings at least one friend with him). The dishes never seem to be clean, the house becomes a huge mess and both me and my aunt aren't happy when the house is dirty. It leaves both of us stressed and makes us feel like no matter how much we do something, it still looks like we haven't even put in the effort. I guess that's just another part of being a mother & housewife. 


To be honest, the house is quiet except for my son's little peeps I hear in the baby monitor, and the TV upstairs and my snoring uncle. Both of them have gone back to sleep and I feel okay with knowing that the house is as peaceful as it's going to get. 


I'm sitting in the kitchen, typing away. I'm noticing just how much the kitchen really needs to be cleaned. I feel awful not cleaning it, but I have to wait until at least 11 until I can actually make some noise and clean it. At least then it looks like I started something (noisy or not noisy) at a decent hour. Honestly, I wanted to clean the kitchen and vacuum at 6 AM this morning when I woke up. I was that well-rested. But, I don't think the other members of the house would really appreciate it.. and plus - the vacuum is completely broken. With two dogs, one of which I'm fairly certain I'm allergic to, having a broken vacuum simply cannot do. It's been two weeks since it broke and I'm not a happy camper. 


I'm typing a lot more than I usually have. I guess it's because I'm finally not distracted by anything. Sure, my ideas and opinions have been jumping from what seems to be thin air, but I don't have someone talking in the background or yelling, or someone to tell me to go get this and go get that. I don't have any of that. I have the birds singing from the open window and the soft hum of the baby monitor and every once in a while, emitting from such monitor, S is farting and snoring. What a guy. 


I have to say, lately I have been drinking a lot of Chai Tea. No idea why. Maybe because I like having the taste of sweet spices (I put two sugars in, bad girl). Maybe because I'm just not in the mood for coffee. Or regular tea. Or Earl Grey. I really don't know. 


S is starting to wake up. I hear his rising in volume grunts. I must make him a bottle soon - I suppose he's hungry. After all, it has been about 3 hours since he last finished his early morning bottle. 


I suppose this is enough for now. I think it's time to get back to reality. I'll write more soon. I know I promise a lot to keep writing religiously, but most of the time I forget I even have this blog. Maybe I should just make Blogger my homepage. That way, I'll see it every time I log on and it will possibly coax me into writing more. 


Until then, 


Southpaw Gypsy

So.

I haven't posted in a while and I know I'm supposed to give you this lame ass excuse about why I haven't posted. But, I won't. I'll just fill you in on a few things.

1. I have a boyfriend (Shocking, isn't it?)
2. I love my boyfriend :)

Also, one of my good friends is now going out with my ex-boyfriend. I should be saying congrats (which I said TO her directly), but something doesn't feel right - especially since she said she wasn't going to go out with him. It upsets me because I care about her a lot and I don't want to see her hurt by him, like so many others, including myself. On the other hand, I feel like one of these days I'm going to have to say I told you so. I don't want to have to do that, but I gave her full warning.

Also, another one of my best friend's got into a relationship. :) YAY!

Hey invisible readers,

I'm fairly certain that no one in this world possibly reads my blog. This is somewhat comforting because it lets me know that no one actually gives a flying fart what I write about. I'm completely anonymous.. or the world is simply oblivious to me. There is some comfort in being invisible, you know. There is some comfort in knowing that the world has no idea who you are, who you have been and who you are going to be. At least not just yet. Not until you are visible, and everyone is aware of your thoughts, your ideas, and you in general.

It's cold today. I spent the last couple of days busting my ass cleaning my room and the kitchen and any other possible living space, not only because I had no other clothes left, no dishes to use and everything seemed way too chaotic for my health, but simply because it had to be done. I needed to do 6 giant loads of laundry with a dryer that sucks so much you have to do almost 3 cycles before it dries your clothes (and even now I'm still not done - there's still a bunch of blankets and my pillows and pillowcases to do). I needed to spend hours upon hours upon hours washing dishes that were nothing short of fucking disgusting. I needed to get rid of the pages upon pages of notes that I had written myself. I need to do this, I need to do that, I need, I need, I need.

What I really need.. is a job.

I quit my most recent job because:

1. I always paid them. Training fees and business conventions and whatnot.

2. I never got a cent back. I figured logically that when you have a job, you're supposed to get paid. I didn't get paid. I didn't even have a penny thrown at me.

3. The job was always talking about having a good quality of life, being able to have time and money. Being able to spend time and money and not have to worry about anything. The reality of the job is that you didn't have any time. You also didn't get any money either.

I'm finding myself in a situation where, if I have a job, and it's consuming my entire life and I'm not getting paid for it... I no longer want that job. I want something that makes me work at a steady pace and I get a steady paycheck at the end of the day. Simple as that.

Plus: I need to find that job before I leave in April. I'm taking a random, sketchy trip out to some place I'm not even sure I want to be. I have to somehow make enough money to keep paying my rent here, pay my way there, and food and whatever else, and then possibly have to pay my way back. Woo.

It's been a while since I posted yet again.
I went through an entire pregnancy without posting a single thing. How sad is this?
I now have a handsome little baby boy, who was born on May 25th.

I'll post more when I get the chance.