Sleeping Beast Before Beauty

The night before last:
As I'm sitting here, the clock barely ticking midnight, I'm staring at my novel collection of English literature. I realize that I don't want to read it. I don't want to read over again the well-read pages, it's spine beginning to give. I want to read a new book, a new adventure.

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Today:

I should have gotten more sleep last night. My nights are never well-rested, getting up, unwillingly to soothe little S, change diapers and feed. It seems the more that S grows, the more he wants to eat, the more irritation he seems to feel about nothing in general and the more I feel irritated for him, for the sleep deprivation I receive. It's fine for him, if he doesn't sleep at night, he sure likes to take advantage and sleep during the day. No matter how many different times people tell me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', you think I can do that? No, I can't. he sleeps when I have to clean, or fetch something for someone, or clean, or... y'know, clean.

Yesterday, I got what I asked for, and I got several new adventures. My newest revelation sparked a whole new perspective on my sexual viewpoint, and I was all the better for it. I love discovering new things. After a talk with an old friend, and a new book, it's first part already read, I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, anxious for tomorrow to come so I could finish part two, which I actually had to research online.

Waking 3-4 times a night to be there for S has really taken a toll on how I view people. Basically, I'm no longer nice and sweet to those who have hurt me or test my limits. I've gotten to the point that I don't care who you are, if you're a bad person, with my lack of sleep and patience, I'm going to point it out to you. Although, to be honest, the only people that have gotten to see that side of me was my aunt and uncle. And, quite frankly, most of the time, they deserve it. Well, my uncle at least.

I don't really feel like writing much right now, as I've just woken up for the final time and have just finished feeding S. I have to get my sore, aching body from out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and look somewhat presentable, just on the off chance that I -might- be granted access to town so I can buy S & I more grub and other necessary essentials. My aunt told me that I might be permitted to go with her, depending on how my uncle feels physically, to be able to take care of S while I'm gone. I'd take him with me, but the car is 2 seconds from breakdown on the highway, and I wouldn't risk S or his safety for that.

I can already feel that if I get dressed and look presentable and ready to go shopping, that I'm not going to be able to go shopping, at all. My aunt is going to make some excuse that my uncle is too sore to get out of bed, and that S won't be properly cared for, and I should and have to stay home. To be honest, I find it completely ridiculous. And this happens over and over and I'm always expecting a different result. Stupid, stupid me.

The truth is, I can't actually wait another day to do this, because it would be like waiting another week, and S is almost out of formula. I've got a brand new box of diapers, yes, but they are the wrong size, he needs a size bigger. And I'm out of food. I am not paying $50 a night for a supper that I don't even eat $2 worth, just so my aunt can take all the money I have, and then ask for more. Considering I can make $50 worth of food last for 2 weeks, she's not getting a cent more. I already have to pay her $110 dollars for absolutely no fucking reason at all, considering she thinks I ate her food after I was released from the hospital with S, when actually, I was still eating my own food. But whatever, I don't need her banshee screaming all up in my face again, so I'll play along.

I guess I've procrastinated long enough. Time to shower and get disappointed once again.