Ramblings.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've realized a few things about myself.
I've turned into a parasitic, leeching, desperate and pathetic person, grasping for any kind of attention I could possibly get; good or bad, it doesn't matter as long as someone, anyone paid attention to me and made me feel like someone, even for a little while.
And I've realized just how fucking ridiculous it's gotten. I mean, I was willing to show parts of my body just for reaction.
I'm a selfish whore, in every respect of those two words.
Maybe I am sick, twisted and insane. Maybe, just maybe.
Because when I didn't have something go my way, I'd contemplate suicide, writing letters and designing plans. A few weeks would go by and then I'd burn the plans. Except for one, one I threw out in hopes that my mother, who often went through everything I've ever owned ever, found it and finally realized that she had a very screwed up daughter.

For years, I blamed my mother for everything she did for me. I blamed my father for everything he didn't do, including bothering to be one and be there for me and show me that he cared, or at least pretend to care even if he didn't - if only for a little while.
I blamed my little sister, because she was small, fragile and beautiful; and everyone paid attention to her. (Later I was told stories that my mother loved me until my sister was born - because she got extra attention for having a small daughter, capable of wearing Cabbage Patch Kids clothing and Didn't she look just darling attitude). I guess from then on I was cast away. I might have been the oldest child, but the stereotype of having the most attention wasn't there.
I was ignored, invisible until I would do something stupid and get bullied. I spent most of my time in school getting bullied.
My grandmother gave me attention because she pitied me, I suppose. My sister forever hated me for that, and to this day she uses it against me. And then she'd use "Don't blame me because I have a father and a mother and you don't". She uses it because she knows how sensitive I am about it. She uses it because if she loses her mother, she's always got her father, and if my mother's gone, I don't have anyone. I was never close to my mother - we both have the same negative qualities, so we've never been able to bond, even though countless times I've tried, she'd push me away - to occupied with her game on her computer. However, my little sister is very close to my mother, she knows everything and could tell you everything. The only thing I know about my mother is her medecine cabinet and her medical supplies. It's what I studied because I was always facinated by chemicals and how they worked. I gave up on that dream after struggling with science from beginning to end of high school.

I've spent countless times crying and being angry and blaming everything on everything and never really wondering what the real reason was.
I'm trying to figure out what the real reason is, and these are my results so far.

-

I don't know what I was going to say after this. My mind just kind of blanked. I guess I'll continue later. Also, Caitlin opened my door without knocking again, and caught me bawling my eyes out. It's been 20 minutes and she's still asking me why I'm crying. I refuse to tell her why.

Wow.

Someone recently sent me an anonymous message. It said:
"Mel. I miss the old you.
To be perfectly honest, someone once told me that one of these days, I'm going to turn around and go: "What the hell happened?"
And I've turned around and asked myself that question. Since when did it get this bad? Since when did I ever let things go this bad? Where am I? Who am I?

I don't even know anymore.

I want to go back to the awkward girl. The one who didn't care if she grew up as long as she stayed true to herself. The one who didn't care about anything than what really mattered.

I don't even know what really matters anymore.

I've lost myself in a world that I don't understand. I've lost myself in a cruel and selfish world. I remember a couple of years ago I entered this site a friend had showed me, where she made up stories with other people online. I was explained to that it was called roleplaying, and many, many people were doing it. I thought I would give it a try. I was always told that I had a good imagination, but nothing compared to what these people had to offer. I suppose it was because they had more experience, more material, more talent. I was just some girl from a small town that wrote about having magic powers and finding a prince, or getting into some small little mix-up, and it was back to happily ever after.

With my stories, I created a world that was entirely different from my own. In my stories, I wasn't Melissa, or Missy, or Melly or Mel. I was a skinny little warrior with an almost impossibly pronounceable name and I was as strong as they come. I could overcome anything. In my stories, I wasn't this overweight, glasses and second-hand store wearing nerd. I was popular and shopped at cute little boutiques and had a lot of friends. In real life, I had no friends. I had no one by my side. I literally spent my entire life being bullied in school, and I had no one to talk about it. No one wanted to be friends with the fat kid with giant glasses and secondhand clothes. I wasn't good enough for them. I never had enough to be part of their groups. So, I did what I could. To avoid bullying, I hid in the shadows, never lifted my arm up in class, stopped trying to earn good grades so I would blend in and I wouldn't get any attention. But I wanted attention, I wanted attention bad. When I was 15, I was in the system. I met a few people and they changed a few things about me. I started smoking cigarettes, weed, drank alcohol, anything that would change the way I was.
My life blurred differently. I became numb to anything and everything.

Since then, I don't even know who I am now. After 4 years, I don't know how I got here.


But, for the first time since my teens, I'm going to change that. I'm going to become the person I wanted to be, mixed with the person I was before I got mixed up with the wrong people.

Think of it as... the new, old me. :)

Sincerely me, Southpaw Gypsy.

Edit: I know I mentioned that I started smoking cigs, weed and drinking alcohol, but I forgot to mention that I don't anymore, and haven't for a while. I just wanted to point that out..

NaNoWriMo, Insomnia, Education and everything in between.

It's funny how many times I've written here, had my post erased or had my computer freeze up so that it doesn't save in the drafts, and then have to go and restart again.
After that point I'm much too frustrated to do so. So here's to a blog post that will actually stay. Because I'm much too tired to repeat myself all the time. Seems the things I had talked about before weren't worth putting on the blog, so I won't be listing them today - but I bet you can guess what they were!

So, how is my night going so far, you ask?

So, maybe you didn't ask that. And maybe you really don't care and/or really don't wanna know. But that doesn't matter because I'm going to tell you anyway. Tonight was as boring as an other night. Surfed the web for a little bit.. messed around on Facebook, read Girls with Slingshots, looked at NaNoWriMo, checked my Formspring, procrastinated on work again.. y'know. The usual.

As for NaNoWriMo, I think I'm going to actually participate in that next year, depending on what exactly I would be doing next year - clue: I have no clue.
I haven't actually sat down and wrote anything in specific, and it would be nice to actually sit down and do something. Feel accomplished. Have something to tell the grandchildren one day, as they say.

Oh. I checked my class today. I haven't done that in days. I've been so busy lately, and with exams coming soon I don't know what I'm going to do with my time anymore. Everyone wants me for this and wants me for that, and it's like.. whoa. Hold on. Where are my priorities here? Oh yeah. School.

I just want to get it over and done with. I'm 19 years old and I'm still struggling with high school. And quite frankly, I really don't need to be. I should be done and graduated by now and yet I'm not. This saddens me. I really just want to go to college already. Seriously. But I don't know what to take and this OSAP thing is already complicated enough.

Anyway...

I haven't been sleeping much lately. It's either one thing or another just bugging me and I don't know how to react to it. My brain is completely fried and it's a wonder I can function - let alone be multitasking all of these things right now.
So, I think, because I can't sleep, I'm going to just go ahead and get a bunch of assignments done and suck it up. Speaking of assignments, I had a past assignment that involved Justice, and so, in closing, I ask these questions: (You can comment below)

What does Justice mean to you?
Where do you see justice carried out around you?
Where do you see the miscarriage of justice?
Do you see the world as essentially just or unjust?

Thanks for reading!

New Blog Template & Layout.

Well, if you haven't noticed, I have a new blog look.
Why?
Because I figured I needed a change. I'm changing, for the better, and I need something that reflects that.

You might think that I'm in a good mood today. In a sense, I am happy today. I'm getting a bunch of things done, and I feel good about that. I always feel good when I accomplish something because it means I'm doing something productive with my life, and this makes me happy.

Work is going well. Business might be moving slowly, but I know that in the end everything will work out the way I want it to, and I can grow from there. There's no way to go but UP right now, and I really want to go UP from here.

I suppose school is going well too. I have Unit 2 to complete before the end of this week, and I'm sure I can accomplish this. :)

I woke up before noon today. Of course I slept on the futon downstairs, and my landlords aren't that happy about that, and don't want me to do that again. So I won't. They've also been teasing me about how I always go to bed with a bed made, but wake up with no blankets and a bare mattress. Apparently, I am to have toddler clamps that keep the blankets ON. >.>

Well, no more time to post anything else. You know I could go on and on and on, but I must stop now. Work and school calls. <3

Sincerely, me.

Lol. My best friend doesn't know I'm in love with him.

Bra Size Translations.

bra size translations.
A-almost there
B-barely there
C-cant complain
D-dang
DD-double dang
E-enormous
F-fake
G-get a reduction
H-help! I've fallen & I cant get up.

I saw these on Facebook. Er.. I'm an H. >O Oh & my doctor clearly needs to go back to medical school.

Hmm.

My horoscope for today:

You may feel more reserved than usual, Taurus, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. You may be feeling apprehensive about expressing yourself fully, even in the most intimate situations. Be careful about sending messages that suggest that you don't want to be around others. People are apt to think they're to blame for your reluctance. It's fine to be a recluse, but don't completely alienate yourself in the process.


Hmm. I wonder why. Thanks, Tony and Bia. You self-absorbed sorry excuses for life forms.

I'm alive O:

Hello followers.

It's been a while since I've posted.
Work is going well.

www.twitter.com/lovelikenothing - is my Twitter account, feel free to follow it.

I have my cell phone working again, this I am happy about. That way, I can be a lazy ass and not go on the computer - stay in bed. Hah. I wish.

I have to go grocery shopping early in the morning. Which means, I should probably be going to bed at this point.

I figured I would say something. I don't know who really pays attention to this, but might as well post something, let you people know I'm still alive and whatnot.

Well, early bird gets the worm! (Srsly, I need food. O:)

I've been staring at my screen for a while now. Watching as chills fill my body and tears start swelling from my eyes. Tonight I wanna cry.

I don't want to write how I feel. Because I thought I was better. I thought I was happy. I thought I wrote down how I was feeling a while ago. I guess I wasn't completely finished.

Ugh. Screw this. And screw you.

Emotional Sabotage

I wear my heart on my sleeve a little too obviously
It drives me crazy but I can't help it
I always put my whole heart into everything
It's a wonder how I'm still alive
I screamed on top of a cliff begging you to save me
But you turned around and told me to dive

(Decided there needed to be another post, so I typed a whole bunch of bullshit to use as filler. Enjoy.)

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've updated, yet again. Well, a couple days.
Which, to be honest, is a lot shorter than other times that I have written on here - going months without a single word. Meh... it's not like I have a ton of readers focusing in on anything.

I started school on friday. had orientation and my new teacher explained what to do and all that crap. An hour and a half of useless information, imo.
I finished over 6 assignments (the "getting to know you" ones) but I'm stuck on one.
It's the one where I have to find an object that best describes me. And explain how & why I chose it and blah blah blah. Oh lordy.
Good news is the ACTUAL class starts tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to, you know, have all that shit completed by then. I still haven't done the whole 'Day 4' assignment. Stupid shit of useless crap, I tell ya. I just want to get to the actual stuff. Finish this damn crap and graduate already. Shit.

Maybe you should read this.

Oh sweet lonely night
With the stars awfully bright
Do I dare make a wish I might
Fall in love with you tonight



I can't sleep tonight. I went for a walk, something about slow, lonely 2 am walks make me feel.. slow and lonely. It also gives me an excuse to write... so I guess that's okay too. I didn't do much these past few days. I don't think it's because I'm lazy or anything, I'm just a little.. depressed. I don't talk to the people I used to have so much fun talking to. Elijah for one thing. I used to talk day and night to that person, and now every time he's online, I don't even have the nerve to click on his name. I used to not have the need to click on him. As soon as I logged on, there he was, saying hi. Now.. for months.. nothing. Oh well.

I don't know if I've changed. Maybe I have. I'm not the person I thought I was. I used to remember myself as a sweet, shy girl who just wanted to explore. I wanted to travel the world, meet new people, discover exciting things. These thoughts bring tears in my eyes as I'm writing, slowly, but still writing, because I don't know what happened to that girl. It's almost as if I lost myself somewhere and I can't find me any more. As the tears slowly fall I imagine myself sitting on a bench alone, on the waterfront watching the waves crash onto the shore thinking "I'm going to be alright. I have myself, I'm strong, independent.. I can do anything". If I saw myself right now, I wouldn't know what to say at the sight of me. What happened to me in the last few years? It's like ever since I was 17 I didn't care about the world, or who was in it. I didn't want to feel anything at all. At some point, I didn't even care about living.

I want the sweet, innocent girl back. I want the girl who would give her clothes to someone who needed them more and to do something stupid if it meant putting a smile on someone's face. Now, I run into things and accidentally break things and don't think, I just feel like a failure for breaking something, or injuring myself. I don't think: "Someone could have found this funny." I think: "Oh jeez, can't I do one thing right for once?"

I had a conversation with someone on MSN tonight. He said something like: "Don't you care about yourself?"
Thinking back on it now, I realize I don't care much about what I've become. I've become this selfish poor excuse for a human being. I want things done when I want them done and I don't like the word 'no'. I can't stand being alone and miserable, and I can't stand seeing my news feed on Facebook all about lovey dovey crap while I sit here, in my shoebox room, alone and upset. At 17, I would have commented on everyone's walls telling them to have a wonderful day, but now, I wouldn't even bother to comment at all.

My world revolves around the internet now. I'm so scared to interact with people because I'm afraid of what people might say about me. There are already enough rumours going around.

I had goals and dreams and I let them all slip away because I started to believe that I couldn't achieve them, it won't happen.

I told my mom I wanted to be a dancer. But with my feet and my weight, I'd never make it, she said. My little sister just laughed. On my good days, I put music on and dance in my room, alone, a simple little routine and then I'd stop. I'd remember what they say, and concentrate on other stuff.

I wanted to be a marine biologist, after a trip to Toronto at the Science Centre, during an IMAX movie about marine biologists traveling the different coral reefs in the world and researching on how they are all dying due to tourists. I wanted to help the vegetation so that one day they could thrive again, and people would be able to see the beauty in it. But.. I barely passed Biology.

People have always said throughout my childhood that I was smart, that I could pass school with flying colors. I always thought so too. And then high school came along, and I could barely pass anything. Teachers, my family said that I wasn't trying hard enough. I wasn't putting my best into it. But I was. I was trying so damn hard to understand what they were saying, what the homework was about, how the hell I was going to write a 5-page essay on god knows what..
High school was horrible. It wasn't the people, as much as it was the actual high school work. It wasn't working for me. And my report cards showed that.

I tried to give up. I tried to tell people, you know.. I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. I knew I wasn't going to succeed well in life. Oh, and if you're expected something positive to come out of this, I'm just going to tell you now. You're not going to see something positive. There is no fucking light at the end of this tunnel.

If you're wondering, I'm still crying. Slowly, but surely, tears are falling one by one from my water-swelled eyes.


I don't want to sleep. I want to scream and blubber and watch a movie where a man and a woman fall in love just to feel sorry for myself. I also don't want to be alone. God. I told you I was selfish and pathetic.

I do nothing but complain about my life to my only existing friends, which are mostly online folk, people I've never met before in my whole life. Sometimes I like to think that's good, because if they don't ever meet me, they won't have to see how stupid I've become. How I let myself turn into such a monster. If my younger self met me now, I wouldn't blame them for not liking me. I don't even like me.

Why do I bother posting a blog on the internet, where billions upon billions of people have the opportunity to see it and comment on it if they really wanted to, but I'm afraid to show the people I know what my thoughts are? I told someone I knew from school that I had a blog and he said: "I didn't know. Why don't you post it on your facebook so people can read it?" I told him I couldn't. Why would I bother showing people what I actually feel, what I actually think about the world? What if they had questions! I couldn't answer them. How I feel on one single day changes so rapidly that I couldn't possibly explain what I wrote on that day, in that moment. What would people say about this post? Would they think I'm some emo freak so desperate for attention that if they don't get it might run out on the street and hope to be smashed to bits by a truck?

Truth is, I'm not really desperate for attention. I don't do things just to see what others reactions might be. I'm desperate to find out what happened to the girl I was, and what could happen to the girl I am.

Hmm, what do I want?

I want someone to love me. How is that not clear? I don't care how desperate it makes me. That's what I want. K?

New Room.

Hey guys.
I had to post what I wrote on Saturday first. Seemed important.
As I'm sipping my peach schnapps & coke from Mike, Caitlin's boyfriend, who is now gone to get Caitlin from work.. I'm thinking..
Okay, that's not new. But it also seemed important to say.

I moved in all my stuff this morning. It's been a slow day. Of course, I had to help them empty out the room, and then I slowly moved all my stuff in here ( okay, I did it pretty fast, but you'd be surprised at the amount of crap that I possess - which is minimal, these days). I am so happy that I'm able to just relax. Do absolutely nothing. My room is clean, organized and there's plenty of space for whatever else I decide to put in it. I wish I could change the walls though. There's these weird, large, gold-like plates of pirate ships and old English people with top hats and horse and buggy's on one wall - then on the two others, there are bald eagles. The walls are like this interesting version of a blue sky, while the trimming is dolphins or whales with pink, green and yellow shells. Strange room. I will post pictures as soon as I can.

With this new room comes a different me. Here's my chance to redeem myself. Make me a different person. Which I am perfectly fine with. It's about time. Really.

*checks laundry*

It's a blah day. I don't know what the heck to do. Oh well. I'll post later about anything else.

Saturday, September 4th.

Dear Blogger friends,

I haven't forgotten about you. I blame my internet connection for every time I went outside to update this, it hasn't wanted to connect. I think it's because I have some neighbors who have found out about my little plan these last few months. I have plenty to tell you though!
I have moved! Yes, everyone, I found a little place for myself. It's only a room for now, but in January, or late December, I move into the downstairs apartment, which is a 3-bedroom apartment with whoever else decides to move there too. Mostly college kids, really. But that doesn't bother me. My own private entrance, living room and kitchen, which I will be using anyway, while I live upstairs for the first few months. (I am writing this on Saturday, but my move in date is on Monday, at 9 am.) Nine freakin' AM! I told my landlord, for she is mine, after I paid rent on thursday, that 9 am is the perfect time, but really, it's so freakin' early.. especially when I'll have to wake up at 7 to be able to make sure I have everything packed..

I'm excited to move in, don't get me wrong. Things are finally working for me, and all because I decided to screw anyone who tried to tell me that things are hard. I started to take things into my own hands, and guess what that got me! A place to live, a job, which will eventually make me into a business representative, and another prospective full-time job, earning major bucks. The catch? For there is always one, I must study for the exam to get my business licence. But, since I love to study, and as my landlord said, if I am good to study a few hours a night for the next few weeks, I should be able to easily pass this exam.

Also..

I have to write this poem for a friend, but they never gave me a subject. I could write about car transmissions if I desired. He said to write it about him, but how could I write it? With my writer's block and slight depression and anxiety, it's becoming increasingly difficult to do anything these days, like remembering simple tasks, like going from point A to point B. Oh, how I loathe these days.

I have been working on this for a while now, and I believe it's complete. Yes, it's small and it gets to the point, trust me. It's about letting go of the one you fell for, knowing that you'll love them for the rest of your life, with all the imperfections between the two of you. Yet, knowing that it wouldn't work out without one of them leaving some place that they've known all their life. It pains me to say these words, because he is one of the only people who got to see me as I was, my heart open and rare for him to do as he pleases with. I felt loved, truly loved, when he held me against him at night, his hands in mine, his legs wrapped around me securely. Nothing more than sweet innocence.


It started long ago on a hot summer day,
Thoughts of you never seemed to go away
Since then years have passed
Yet every time I see you my heart beats fast
Now that you've gone away
Something inside me wishes you stayed
For there are a thousand things I miss
And among them I have a small list
I miss your smile and the way you say my name
I miss your late night calls and the way you drive me insane
I miss your habits and the strange way you sleep
I miss your secrets and those of mine you keep
You dared me to leave this place behind
Take a bag and meet you on the other side
I agreed then something stops me
My strength inside is weak don't you see
So I'll suck it up and leave those feelings behind
Keep the flow even though I love you so
And with one last line, I'll let you go.


[Note: The person that this relates to stopped talking to me today, and won't be talking to me for a very long time. I cried.]

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know..

Morning.

If you are reading this... thanks.

I was told to stay off my feet. I'm not listening to them. Either I'm stubborn or stupid, or something. Maybe both. They still hurt. And so does my head.

I am having trouble sleeping once again. Bit by bit, my "friends" are signing off of IMs, and I feel lonely. Lonely because I'm alone. In a dark room, with no one to talk to.
I hate these moods. The ones where I feel like I need someone around to feel okay.
The ones where I can't be the independent, on-her-own girl.
Suddenly, I need someone around, to have and to hold. (Pardon the wedding saying)

But in all seriousness, I don't like this mood. And I might need a hug :(

...

I have been looking for an apartment or a room to rent for cheap, because I'm tired of living off my mother.. and quite frankly, I'm tired of my sister complaining every damn day about god knows what.. oh the joys of teenage hormones..
I sent the girl an email to set up a meeting for wednesday somewhere around 4. Here's hoping she sends me the address, and I'm not stuck guessing which house it is on the pretty long street. I haven't even seen the room yet. I'm really excited to see it though, and I'm hoping that they take a liking to me, and I can take the room. It's absolutely perfect for me. Well.. according to the pictures anyway. She said she needed someone ASAP, and I think I'm that person.

Oh crap. I was supposed to buy milk after I came back from Sarah's.. except I ended up staying over, and I still have the money for the milk.. I have to pick some up before I get back to my mom's.. I hope she's not pissed off at me, that would suck. Tremendously. Or, however you spell it.

My schedule is absolutely packed for this week.
Monday(Today): Hanging out with Sarah.
Tuesday: Mall, getting milk & Vampires Suck with Katelyn
Wednesday: @ 4 pm - Room viewing? Maybe? If she gets back to my e-mail..
Thursday: Katelyn's ultrasound @ 1:30
Friday: Undecided.

I don't know what I'm doing Friday. Most likely, going to visit Sarah again. We hang out a lot.







If you could only see the way I love you, maybe you'd understand.
If you could only see how blue, my eyes get when I say I love you.
You say you know, but you don't.

I am broken.

The title of this post is true. I am broken.
All of my body physically is breaking, little by little.
And I can't help but think... mentally, am I breaking too?

I went to the hospital today to visit my uncle. He noticed my increasing limp.
After wheeling him back up and about to leave, he asked me to go get it checked, or at least go see first aid. I told him I would.

What did I do? Walked back home.

I guess I'm too stubborn to see a doctor. Or stupid. I don't care which one.

I don't know if I should be writing this while I'm somewhat feeling a little light-headed, as they say. But something has been in my head for several weeks now.

I have be known to be a fool. I wear my heart on my sleeve, doubt and cross

TGIF?

Ugh, miss you. :(

I will let you down; I will make you hurt.

Last night, I slept without dreaming. Not a single dream. I don't know if that's better than the nights in which I dream.
Beyond my headphones, and my loud music, I can hear my sister and my mother fight. I'm just glad that I'm not in the room, hearing the words that they speak.
Instead, I'm freezing outside, typing this with the hope that I can put it in my blog, without it screwing up.
Tasha has her friend Caitie over. Tasha isn't really on her best behaviour, which is surprising, considering usually she's little miss perfect angel.

Ugh. They are making popcorn. I freaking hate the smell of popcorn. >( And I'm pretty sure all of them know that. I guess I'll have to suck it up. It's not my house after all.

Mom wants me out of the house. I can't understand why. Maybe it's because I haven't really been helping out with groceries this month. Well, I know all too well that if I start helping out with groceries, she'll become dependant of me buying all the groceries, and I will forever become the only one buying groceries for the house.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's because I've also been a terrible daughter, not waiting on her hand and foot. I have been trying to get myself organized in her room upstairs, but it's so damn hard when all of her boxes and piles of laundry are all around. I have one box and a suitcase and a mattress in there. I'm so sorry, Mother, if I'm imposing on your life.
I'm your daughter, your first born, remember me? I'm not supposed to be this stranger you met on the street and that you now want out of your life.

*hears more complaining coming from mom*

You know, she really does have to stop that. I'm trying... but apparently that's not good enough. She should have just agreed when the councillor was trying to put down that I had a mental disability, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be living on my own, and she would get to continue to tell people how much worse I am compaired to my younger sister.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm not little miss Has-To-Have-Name-Brand-Or-Will-Die. I'm used to having absolutely nothing. I'm fine with being alone. I'm fine with having nobody to talk to, and I'm fine with having to do stuff without anyone's version of "help".

Some friends have told me that they have tried to "help" me. But I'm pretty sure yelling at me and telling me I'm this and I'm that isn't help. And if it is, I'm sorry, but I'd rather not be helped.

I'm ranting again. Sometimes I like ranting, but it seems like the only thing I do lately is rant about this and that and the other thing, and to me, that's just terrible. I don't want to have to rant all the time. I want to be able to say stuff like, "Oh, so-and-so and I went to such place and we had a blast!" But no. It's almost like I'm terrified of having a life.

I'm supposed to write a poem for someone and I am having trouble with it. It's been a long time since I've been able to write something. There is way too much stress and chaos in my life. I wish there was less of it. Then, maybe, just maybe, I might be able to return to myself again, the person who could write a poem without it looking more like a suicide note, or the love I so desperately seem to be needing... or wanting.


I found someone in my life that is just like me. My twin. To me, this is absolutely amazing. I can talk to him about any thing and everything under the sun, and he understands... but, like usual, there's just one small problem. He lives like a billion miles away from me. I wish he wasn't...


Anyway...

I want to show you guys some minor things that I've been working on... trying desperately to get out of this funk that I've been in..


------------------------------------------


No, I don't hate you. I don't want to fight you, you know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you.

..................................

Woke up this morning with you on my mind
I'm not surprised;
But this doesn't happen all the time

...........................................

Don't call the Spanish inquisition
This isn't an easy transition
When the point of easy conversation is gone
My mind has lost control
Pretty sure I've broken all the rules
But I wouldn't want it any other way

............................................

As I stare out the window at night
And the lights flash like bright stars
I can't help but think if you're alright
You're all I think about nowadays

...............................................

I'm wide awake to all the damage you've caused
No one can erase these battle scars
I'm locked up in this madness screaming
Shaking the prison bars
You told me to forget about it
A story I knew all too well
Poor misfortuned soul
....................................................
So much better.

You're sitting there strumming your guitar
Fingers feeling the strings
You search for emotion beyond this
Find a rhythm, strike a few chords
Maybe you'll get somewhere
You're on stage, but you're far away from here
Dreaming about a girl or a future career
For now you're just a lonely teenager
But in a couple of years you'll be so much bigger

Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other

Start young and before you know it
You're thirty, failed marriage and two kids
You lost your job and you feel so bad
The bucket's there and you're ready to kick it
But something stops you mid swing
You think about your family
And the situation you're in

Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other


It's just the way it is
The future predetermined by the past
Only the present really matters
Yet time travels much too fast
Your kids grow older and move away
Your wife leaves for paradise
And you never said good bye
Because you begged her to stay

You feel like the roof is falling through
Just remember what they told you
People come and go
Memories are like the credits, they finish the show

One day you'll be at home
Sitting in your favorite chair
Drifting off to sleep, snoring a sweet, soft tone
It's you on stage and you're not alone
Guitar at the ready, microphone around your old, cultured hands
Looking into the crowd, but you're not seeing
Daydreaming about the old you
A lonely teenager but you'd be so much better.

.................................................................

Could it be you..?

Mélissa; says:
Wouldn't you rather hang out with someone more experienced?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
No.
Mélissa; says:
Why not?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
Because someone more experienced isn't you.



This... Well let's just say I've officially melted. (:

My head spins right round, round & round...

Well hello there people,

Yesterday's post wasn't what I expected it to be. I was actually expecting to write a serious update to my blog, but it ended up being a pathetic attempt to rant about anything and everything. Kinda like what I predict this post will be like too. Kinda like a jumble of different thoughts, just like thrown out there, out in the open, for everyone to read, and think I'm completely insane. At least I don't write like. every. word. is. it's. own. sentence. I write semi-normally, and I tend to keep it in the normal range about as often as I possibly can.

I'm sitting up in bed after staying up way too late last night. It's after 2 pm already, and I'm feeling lazy.
I have plans to hang out with Sarah tonight. I want to bring my computer with me, that way I can use it while hanging out with her.

I hate that I'm hardly able to use my computer these days. I brought my computer upstairs last night so I can keep it for myself. I wake up this morning, and it's not beside me. It ended up being downstairs with my mother.

I mean, if it was with me, beside me, and I was sleeping with it, it generally means I'd like to keep the damn thing for myself and doesn't give you any sort of permission to be able to use it.

I'm watching the internet connection flicker on and off, while I'm typing this. Makes me believe that I might not be able to "publish post" successfully without the damn thing screwing up and me losing what I had written down. And the whole draft thing really doesn't work for me either, that's why sometimes I have to do the whole "cut and paste" thing.

Shit. I'm going to hang out with Sarah today, but I just remembered that I had made plans with Katelyn to hang out today as well. Here's hoping that she doesn't remember this...

Oh! And Katelyn wants me to be godmother! She said that I am best suited for it because of my love of children, and even Justin agrees. That and I am her best friend ever, we've been through hell and back together. It's true I've been there longer for her than any other person in her whole life. I feel really honoured about that.

Oh! And I babysat 7 month old Carissa overnight on Friday for the first time. Angie was skeptical at first only because she only left her overnight at her god parents' house, and only once. But, she assured me that she trusted me, and that made me happy. And it was a good night. I woke up at 4 am, Carissa was up by 6 am. And I wasn't really the least bit tired, I was just paranoid and making sure nothing went wrong. I admit, I was nervous, but I did a great job, and I'm proud of myself.

.............................................................................


Blah. I don't know what else to talk about. I hope this internet thing stays around for a while. I don't know how long I'll be able to use it, but so far it is coming in handy, especially considering that my cell is no longer working, until I can find some money to put it back in working order... and that's at the end of the month.


I don't get any privacy anymore. When I want to be alone, I have a ton of people cramped all around me. Jesus. Something tells me that I won't be able to be alone for a very long time.

Well, I'm going to get off this thing. Sorry for the jumble of crap, it's kinda how my brain works lately. Jumble of crap and walking around like I'm drunk.. not good.


Well, I'm off for now. Before this stupid connection conks out on me again.

Gah.

Okay, it's been.. now over a month since I was able to update my blog.
And to think I was actually going to update it every day. Well.. that failed.

I'm supposed to rant about something.. but I have no idea what to rant about.
Well.. I've had hours of sitting here outside with an active internet connection, always thinking that any second now, I'm going to end up cut off or something like that. Stupid, yes?

Well, I'm thinking now that it's already past 12 am, that maybe I'm not exactly going to really lose the connection and that maybe it is safe to rant about nothing in particular on my blog just to say that I actually updated it. Actually, Bryan told me to update it. But I had been thinking about doing just that all day.

It's kinda hard to concentrate on writing something when every 10 minutes, your mother is whining about how she wants my computer, and how it's not fair that I have it all day.

Hold up.

Yes, I did say MY computer.

She wants it to play hours of endless Spider Solitaire. I don't see how that's productive. I, at least, spent my time talking to people and updating facebook and all that fancy stuff. Oh, and I downloaded a bunch of songs that I recently liked and wanted to add to my playlist.

Oh. And dirty Big Bang Theory fanfiction. (Happy? I said it.)

Ooooh. Questions!

Do you plan on falling in love in 2010?
You can't plan love, fool.

Without stating the name, say something to someone you hate:

I wish you were the person you were before. Back when you told me you loved me.

Britney Spears, Yes or No?
No.
Do you like your life?
Yes.

Do you trust people easily?
Not at all.

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
Sunny.

Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Yes.

Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
Yes.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
Right now.

Is there a person who knows everything or almost everything about you?
yeah.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year or two?
yes

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
A long time ago.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching The Lake House and NCIS

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yeah.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Yes.

How many pills do you take a day?
None.

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
always

Favorite place to be?
beach or a cold basement with musical instruments:D

Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Yes.

What was your first thought this morning?:
I need coffee. Now.

Have you ever broken a window on purpose?:
Yes.

In one word, how do you feel right now?
Headache.

Are you excited for 2011?
yeah

What do you want for your next birthday?:
To be loved, happy and be around my favorite people.

Where did you get the shirt you 're wearing?:
Garage.

Plans for tonight?
Hanging out with Katelyn. Still waiting for her dad to come so I can give him his money.

Where is your cellphone?
beside me so mom can call me if she needs me

How do you look right now?
Like I just woke up.

Which one of your teachers do you hold a grudge against?
Bill.

Whose voice do you currently hear?:
Katelyn's and Justin's. They're talking.

Yesterday's post. June 14th.

Dear followers,

By the time you read this, it would have been days or maybe even weeks since I've typed it up.
I still can't believe I have followers – it's something I would have never thought, or imagined I would have had.
I'm sitting in my mother's living room, which you find as soon as you enter her house. It's strange. It's late, I put a movie in for mom to watch, The Lake House. I've had to restart it a few times. It's somewhat of a complicated movie, and if you don't sit down and watch it and don't miss a single moment it's hard to follow.
I finally got more time on my phone. Now I can receive calls and not worry about it costing me minutes. People can call me and I don't have to worry about any of it. Thing is, I haven't had this plan in a while, and I don't think anyone is going to call me. Kind of depressing, one might think.

Now that I have a little bit of money, I'd like to go to the bookstore and buy a couple of books to read. I have some Jane Austen's, but I wouldn't mind some different books by different authors. I'd like to buy “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” by Stephen Chibosky, I believe the name of the author is. I don't know what it's about, but it caught my eye and my curiosity makes me want to buy it. Maybe it's my gut telling me it will be a good book.

I have always been a reader. But it's been years since I grabbed a book and just read for no apparent reason. Now, I just want to read, and read, and read. Even my little sister has begun to read a lot. I'm glad for that. It's even helped her at school, in English and the sorts. I think tonight I'm going to either read Northanger Abbey, or one of the french books that my mother has. Tomorrow, I want to go to Walmart and pick up some shirts and stuff. I need more shirts. I've been borrowing my mother's bigger clothing and I'm running out of clothes.


Should I trust my printer's ink to express the things I think?

Mother's sleeping again. It's later than before; naturally. I'm on facebook on my phone and nothing is really happening. I mean, nothing big really happens after 2 am, usually so it's not that much of a surprise. I've put on NCIS Season 3 on. I'm only on the first disk, but since I'm listening to music and I have my back to the TV, I'm not really paying attention to it. I guess it's basically background noise, and I know that having the TV on helps mom sleep, so that's basically the only sufficient logical explanation for that.

Tomorrow is the day I walk to the optical store and get glasses. Actually, I am going to schedule an appointment, that hopefully happens in the next week or so, and pick out glasses. And then I have to wait another little while so they get delivered to me and so on. I know I'm going to need glasses before I leave for my trip anyway.

I'm also going to wait for my next check to leave for Calgary. I'll have a little more money than 555.75. Memere also wants my stuff out of there anyway, so it's going to be easier to leave. Somehow I'm going to have to pack only the bare minimum, and I'm a terrible packer. By that, I mean that I always over pack. There's always so much I want to take with me, but I know I can't just.. take everything.

Joel told me I should take as much time as I need before I leave. I think he understands just how hard it is to just leave like this. Sure, I would love to travel all the way there, but I don't want to get there and then have something terrible happen to my mother. I also don't want to be here when something terrible happens. I know she's terrified of dying. As I am terrified to see her die. It's not something I'm ready for.

Yes, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

But sometimes, it's so much easier to not feel a single thing. To be completely numb. Comfortably numb.

Okay, I'm going to stop typing before this shit gets too depressing. Nobody likes a depressing post!

-Southpaw Gypsy

Thank God It's Monday...?

Another day, another post for me!

Almost exactly a month ago, I had the craziest idea to message my father on Facebook to tell him that I was planning a trip in the beginning of July to see him, and that I would require his address and a phone number.

I wasn't really planning on visiting him, I mainly just wanted to see his reaction to me asking so forwardly for his information.

But now I want to travel 1700 miles just to see what kind of life he has been living for well over 10 years. It might just be my curiosity kicking in, or the fact that I absolutely love to travel and discover the places I've never been.

I have the craziest idea to pack up a suitcase, buy a bus ticket and just go.

What would be the harm of doing this?

1. My mother: We don't know how long she has and it's difficult to measure it considering that for a woman that was supposed to die one year after she was diagnosed, she's still going strong after almost 10. She told me I should wait until after the cancer to travel. What if that's another 5 years? (Highly doubtful; but I consider the possibility.)

2. My friends: I'm finally getting friends that I know I can trust, and ones that I will actually miss if I do decide to leave for a while. (Sarah will freak out *here*)

3. My general family: How disappointed in me would they be if I decided to become something and discover exactly what I am capable of. (My family basically wants me to become something in a city that just simply is too welfare - because all my family is here, and wouldn't it be so disgraceful to be leaving at such a difficult time..)

Blah.

I'm still at Sarah's; this post wouldn't be possible without her. She's the source of the internet upon which I am using and the source of the pee-in-your-pants entertainment. Since last night, we have been laughing at everything that sounds even the least bit amusing. Our latest is:

Sarah: "I can't even see!" Melissa: "I know, my eyes are glazed like jelly donuts or somethin'."

3 hours later..

....

So...

Umm..

Yeah.

Why can I post an entry in this blog today? Too many distractions. Plus, it doesn't help with the added distraction of my current obsession: http://www.girlswithslingshots.com. 

"As long as I can do the dishes today, that's my biggest concern." - Sarah

It's been almost like, 3 hours since I started this post. My biggest concern is finishing this damn thing.

 ...I guess stopping this entry here would be best.
Otherwise, I'll never get to click on the "publish post" button. 

Mellie.

 

Insiders.

"That's what she said...." " I didn't say anything!"
"OUWAH OUWAH OUWAH!"

"It's like you do the walk and fart.. but you laughed and farted."

"I have to crap this picture."

"I haven't laughed like that in a long time"... "I haven't laughed like that in 15 minutes!"

"I still haven't seen my face" "I have two of them!"

"Damn my booobs are huge!"

"You're on crack." "You're my inspiraaaaaaaraaaaationnnnnnnN!"

"I'm sweatin' more than Dolly Parton's boobs meltin' in the rain."

Yes... more blogging!

So, if you didn't already know, I've been staying at my mother's for a while now, to help take care of her, since my little sister has not bothered to lately - and has since been enjoying herself and going out and partying and god knows what with her friends. My grandmother, the 1937 stuck-in-the-past woman that I have written about in posts earlier, had called me several days ago to tell me that the superintendent was furious with me. Confused, I asked her what I might have done. She said that he said that I have left several carts in the hallway and that I blocked the garbage chute with a bag of garbage. What I don't seem to understand is how I could have a twin somehow living at my grandmother's and personally causing this damage, considering these things happened while at my mother's. I cannot be at two places at once. So far, to my knowledge, cloning has happened only with sheep.

She said that, upon giving me his cell phone number, which I had pretended to write down, if I don't call him and apologize, that I would find myself kicked out of her apartment. Firstly, there is no way I am apologizing for a crime that I haven't committed. I refuse to. Completely.

So, the old woman kicked me out. I am staying at my mother's, which she, my mother, has no problem with, and in fact thought that I was going to do so anyway. The only one that most likely has a problem with this is my sister, and considering that they already have enough trouble getting by, it's not logical to simply invite another mouth to feed.

My mother wishes that I would get a job, so that I could save up enough money to get a place of my own. However, I have looked for employment and North Bay does not have any jobs available. And if they are available, they are usually presented to family and friends of the business first, and then if there are still spots, they give it to the most qualified applicant. I am not qualified in anything, this is the issue. I'm inexperienced in basically anything, and even though I am more than ready to accept and follow through with any training, still no luck. Had I been looking for a job when I was 15, maybe I would have a better selection to choose from, and had had the experience I would have needed after 4 years.

"You're still writing?" Sarah asked me while she was browsing through more blogs and stumbling upon things on Stumble Upon. Yes, I write a lot when I feel inspired about something. You inspired me to update more, on the same day by telling me to write about how my grandmother kicked me out. Now, I'm writing about all kinds of things, which I don't really mind writing about because at least it's writing about something. Okay, now I'm just rambling.

I am quite happy that I am staying another night at Sarah's. Although she does have the privilege of the internet, she's great company and makes me laugh constantly. She's a great friend, and I'm lucky to PMS with her. Haha.

A good link.

I recently stumbled upon a picture that I have stumbled upon quite often throughout the years and I thought I might as well post it, just cause I feel that more people should see this picture.

Michael; throughout 16 months.. (:

Michael!

Sarah asked me why I didn't have a photo of Mikey on my blog. I just didn't know if she wanted me to post pictures of her child.. lol. So this is Mikey, the most adorable handsome, sweetie that I've ever met. 

LOVE YOU MIKEY (:

Some pictures.

This is Zola. Meagan's daughter. I believe she is 6 months, Meagan gave me another photo to update.

This is Carissa Rose. Angie's baby girl. She is also 6 months. I babysit her sometimes. She loves to laugh and be held.

This is a photo of Memere and Carissa Rose. It took me so long to get her to look at the camera on my phone. She started fussing soon after this was taken.

I had a photo opportunity while feeding Carissa. I think this is the cutest photo I have so far.

This was taken during the last trip to the mall with my friend Katelyn(left) and I(right). She found these funky glasses in a basket at San Diego. It was near the silicone stress boobs. xD

Photo of Katelyn with the glasses. The boobs are in the background. lol

Photo I took of the sunset across from No Frills on Lakeshore in North Bay. I thought it was pretty.

Hopefully a happier post.

Excuse my earlier post from earlier this morning. I guess I was getting a little depressed and bitchy and had to get it out somehow.
I guess that's why I have this blog, which is turning out more to be a journal than anything else.
I'm sitting on Sarah's bed with her and she noticed I was updating my blogger. I now have another follower. That's a count for a grand total of two followers. I feel special.
Hey, at least after all these years I have a couple friends on Blogger. YAY.

*does happy dance*

I don't know. I feel happy. More like, I feel at home. Comfortable.
It's been a while since I have felt safe.

I'm also wearing blue jeans and bare feet. I bet they smell just dandy too. Looking at them, I've realized that I need a pedicure of some sorts. Or at least some toe polish. Or nail polish remover. Something. The nail polish is wearing off and it looks like I bite my toe nails. Well, bite the toe polish off.

Anyway..

I am staying at Sarah's another night. I hope my mother is alright with this.. I don't know her current conditions and I'm praying that her spirit is good, along with her day. I also hope that my younger sister, Tasha, came home from doing her laundry last night, in hopes that she could take care of her while I'm away.
I kind of needed a vacation from the stress anyway.

Her son is running around all over the place and back and forth, just a giggling away. He's so cute!

I know it's a too late for a new year's resolution but now that people can see what I'm writing, I really would like to have more positive posts. I know I have treated this blog as a journal more or less over the period of time that I've had it, but I really, truly believe that if people are going to receive my updates, I'd rather they receive more positive ones than whatever emo crap that comes out of my butt.

I'm sitting on the bed, and because I don't have a mouse pad for my mouse, and my mouse thing from my laptop doesn't work, the cursor is moving all over the place because the bed is moving. I find this a little amusing. Forgive me. I'm a little easily amused.

I've written a lot today, and I'm not quite sure why. My father sent me his address over facebook, and I really want to go see him - but with mom and her does-whatever-it-wants cancer is holding me down.
I do not blame my mother for having cancer, I blame the cancer for taking over my mother and preventing me from travelling and doing the things I love most.

I don't have many friends in my hometown. Born in Montreal, I left 3 weeks after to be raised in good old North Bay, population completely wrong on the welcome sign.
I've been here since then, and my last birthday was on April 21st, I am 19.

It's been since 2001, my mother has had Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma - with both branches of Mycosis Fungoides and Sezary Syndrome. According to doctors, she's the longest survivor of this particular cancer, and for that I am proud. Almost 10 years.

I want to travel so badly, but I fear if I leave this town, she will die and I will never forgive myself for not being there when I should have been. I told her a few weeks ago that I desperately wanted to speak to my father in person, and I plan on traveling those 1700 miles to do so. Her answer? "Wait until the cancer is gone."

She won't say, "Wait until I've passed away" even though she knows that her type of cancer won't just simply disappear. She's got blood cancer, in the most simpliest of explanations and it does not go away until you do.

Okay, I think that's all the typing I will do today. Mikey dumped his toy microphone in my coffee and it stopped saying: "Sing with me!" but the lights still seem to be functioning. I'm turning on my phone and I'm going to upload some pictures that have been sent to my phone, or that have been taken. Not sure whether or not I'm going to write anything more than what they contain. We will see.

Now, on to some picture posting!


-Melly.

...Fuck.

I know I haven't written here in a while, and with good reason. I don't have the internet. Simple enough. However, I did say I would post all the entries I have written on the computer. I bought a journal that I could write with while I didn't have my laptop handy, or when my mother, grandmother or anyone else I was around could see that I wasn't on it all the damn time. I've been trying to write in it as much as I can, but sometimes I let days, mostly weeks go by without writing a single thing inside. Most of the time I'm simply just not in the mood to write. I've been so depressed lately that I've given up on the things I enjoy most - including writing. I hardly read anymore. Most of the time if I do read it's books that are as depressing as my state of mind. I always told people that nothing was wrong, that I was perfectly fine and that I could handle anything. Most of the people that I've met recently think I'm super woman or something. That the things that have happened to me seem to not affect me in the slightest. I'm just this happy-go-lucky smiling person and that nothing will ever hurt me. Truth is, it's getting harder and harder to hold up this lie. I'm hurting so bad inside that it's deeply showing on the outside. I've stopped eating on my own now - Mom has to force me to put something in my mouth. I think of nothing but drowning myself in alcohol.. maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here. I know I have a follower and I know he might be reading this.
I don't want him to know that I'm crumbling into pieces and that I don't know who to ask because I don't know who to trust anymore. You can't trust anyone. I've had therapists that have told my mother everything. I can't run from the past, I know this. But I don't want my past to affect my future - to do exactly what it's doing - crumbling me up into a billion pieces that could possibly kill me, or have me killed. Either or, whatever is the easiest I suppose.


Damn. I forgot that those entries were on my flash drive. I guess I'll have to wait until the next time..

Ugh....

Just as I expected.

As soon as she saw I was awake, she tells me: "I started my period all over my sheets. You can do the laundry."

Oh, and I'm going home because of the rain. :D


Better go. Don't want to get bitched at.

Morning, Bloggers.

www.agirlandaguitar.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/einstein-quote-3.jpg


I thought I would re-update considering I apparently have a follower (thanks Bryan!) on my blog. I should have woken up earlier to write this. I don't know exactly how much time I have left to post this before I am yelled at to wake up right away and show up in her bedroom and just stand there like an idiot... before she gives me something to do. I'd rather have a job - this servant work joke is getting kind of old.

How do I feel this morning? Tired.
I'm tired, I feel sick, and I am so frustrated because of the kitten and her dog. They like to jump all over me at all hours of the night, so I never get any sleep anyway, and I end up waking up with marks all over me like I was some kind of jungle gym. Ugh. Right now, the kitten is tearing apart some kind of mattress, and I wish she'd stay quiet. I don't want her to be woken up before she has to. I want a little more time to myself.

Wow! I just now logged into Facebook, and it seems that my old penpal, Carmen, who've I corresponded only in e-mails with ( so I still haven't received an actual letter) messaged me on facebook. This is... well I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet... I only just remember her name.. oh well. I guess now I'll find out - now that she's my friend on Facebook.

In other news, my stomach has begun to hurt, and I'm afraid I'll be going home AFTER supper now. I'm more afraid that I won't be going home at all. We've gone back to North Bay so many times that I had hoped they'd drop me off, at least somewhere in town, and I could walk. So, fingers crossed, I go home today.

Chances are, if I don't post in a while, that means I'm home. There is no internet at my grandmother's unfortunately. Which means, if I bother to write, it will be on Word and I'll have to copy and paste next time I am able to blog again.

Btw, since I've been reading my friend's live journal, I've realized in some way, we match, just like he said. But these things are all negative. Maybe some day I'll find a positive. In some strange way, I'm glad he knows about me, and get updates on my life. I've given him myself, in some strange way, I've given him me - raw, uncovered - my journal, the most private, or only private thing I have; who cares if it's on the internet. I know it's bound to have been stumbled upon (I love that site) by random strangers in the long run. But to have someone I know (or somewhat know) read it.. to me that takes guts, cause I'm generally not writing to an audience.

I'm afraid because now that I know someone's potentially watching, I won't uncover things that I need to uncover. I won't be as honest, and I won't pour my heart into it like I usually do. Although I know that most of my posts haven't looked to have had any thought at all.. I try my best. And in saying so, I'll end this morning post because I'm tired, I feel sick, emotionally drained and I'd give anything to fall back asleep and wake up with coffee and a bowl of cereal. Or even toast.

Stupid people.

What does the diabetic do when she's trying to cut down on sugar? Have a doughnut.

Over the last few weeks, I have developed a very low tolerance for a few different people. Now, please understand that I'm a bigger person myself, but I do not blame my weight for my inability to do things. To be quite honest, I am capable to do almost everything, despite being overweight/obese.

I strongly dislike those who blame their weight for their inability to do normal things. Like this one woman, who says: "I can't even walk to the mailbox and back because of my weight." She's not even trying to lose weight, because what will make her lose weight is WALKING TO THE MAILBOX.

Another favorite:
"I don't eat as much in a meal as I used to because I'm watching my weight." Listen, lady. You might eat a normal person meal for supper, but you eat 6 donuts, a pound of sunflower seeds, an entire jumbo bag of chips, chocolate and like a whole bunch of pop before you go to bed. Had you bothered to listen to me and eat at least 3 meals a day, you wouldn't be making yourself fatter. Instead, you eat when you're hungry - which is usually only at supper - making me starve all day because I can't eat until you do...

Ugh.

This place is total hell. I'm a loner, always have been. I like being alone. I have always been left alone, and I seem to find it peaceful, calm like that. But it seems that she's not happy unless I'm constantly there, doing stuff for her, fetching stuff for her. And then she'll complain, every day, later on in the day, that she "likes her privacy and her alone time". What about me? I'm 19, do I not deserve to be left alone at least for one day? She's taking advantage of me, and I strongly dislike it.

Another thing, she's constantly telling me to get a backbone. But when I do, she screeches at me. I swear, I'm going crazy. She's always talking about my family and how she's grateful she's never needing to deal with them again, and how horrible they are, and how they do this, and they do that... have you realized in that retarded fucking head of yours that I might be PART OF THAT FAMILY? Idiot.

You gave away your youngest child because you "just couldn't take the stress and all the damage it's causing on her nerves and because of her weight" blah blah blah.
Listen. You gave up your child because you just couldn't take the fact that you need to exercise and lose weight and be a mother to your child. It's not about you, it's about the child, and you're too much of an idiot to figure that out, apparently.

Ugh. Stupid people piss me off.

I'm done for now. Sometimes I wish she got run over. But I'm afraid she would be like a doorstop to a door, won't be able to roll under.

....

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and she asked me what was wrong.
Naturally, I told her nothing was wrong; although she knew something was, she didn't ask any more questions.
She recently found out she's pregnant.
I'm extremely happy for her - only problem I have is I'm the only one out of all my friends that aren't pregnant.
It seems that everyone that I know has found that special someone, able to start a family and start a wonderful life together. But me.

Some updates.

I've been blogging for a long time, but I just recently read up on why people blog. I don't think that people I know actually read what I'm writing, but I found blogging to be more like keeping a journal than anything. I would rather put my words out in the open where the internet can read them, rather than having my family read them. (Most of my family know how to use the internet – excluding my grandmother and anyone else past 40). My family don't even know that I keep a blog/journal over the internet anyway. They mostly believe that I've randomly stopped writing. Truth is, it's hard to keep a journal when everyone just goes and reads it anyway. Where's the privacy in all that? It's a sad day when one admits that the internet holds more privacy in things than one's own family.

A lot, actually. I really can't stand my grandmother any longer. It's hard to put up with someone that's been around since 1937, and continues to have the same mentality as if times haven't changed. It's not all that healthy to live with a 73 year old woman, as a 19 year old young woman. We don't see eye to eye, naturally. Plus, what good is it to be sharing a small bachelor apartment? She gets the bedroom, of course, while I get stuck sleeping on the couch. She doesn't like me sleeping on the couch, because she thinks I'm ruining it. However, she spends all day sleeping on it, so the couch is constantly being used. The unfair part is that she can sleep in her bed if she needs to take a nap or something.

I've had to get rid of a lot of my things to accommodate her. I've gotten rid of pictures, random knick-knacks, clothes, most of my writing, CD's, etc., just to please her and to take less place in the apartment. She still believes I still have too many things, and I have a total of 3 drawers of clothing, a large plastic tupperware box of things, and one box of random things that are needed for school and such. I'm living like a gypsy, ready to go at a moment's notice.

She says that she needs me, yet, at least twice a week she tells me she doesn't. No matter what I do, it's so hard to please her. She's got her head shoved so far up her butt, nothing will suffice. I pay her rent – approximately 500 dollars a month – and it's still not good enough.

I've started to leave a lot now, because it's hard to stick around her, the way she is. I still pay her rent, of course. Yet, it's never good enough for her. It's like, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't read minds, and I can't perform miracles. I'm not wonder woman, I'm a 19 year old girl trying to graduate from high school, so I can go off to college and start my life.

Speaking of college, I still have no idea what I really want to do. All I know is that I'm pretty good in the social work field, so I think that's the direction I'll be taking. At least temporarily. I need to be somewhere that I know what I'm doing, and that I'm capable of doing a good job. I can't be somewhere that I know I won't enjoy what I do, and that I'm only there for the money. It's certainly not fair to the people around me, or potential clients; makes me feel selfish and self-centered.

Oh well. I suppose this is enough for now.

I'll talk soon.

- Mellie

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St. Patrick's Day & What I've been up to lately

First of all; Happy late St.Patrick's Day.
No, I didn't do anything. No, I did not wear green. No, I wasn't pinched.

Second; It seems the only thing I have been doing is keeping occupied on the computer by continuing to participate in CC (still no time for RP) and by posting and being active on PH (Plano Hogwarts - http://www.planohogwarts.com/). Of course, I still have to do the whole FarmVille, PetVille, Cafe World and Mafia Wars thing too.
Takes a lot out of my day!

Don't worry, I have been getting out of the house. I like going to the mall and annoying those who actually have jobs. (I want one, really, I swear.)
The thing I regret not doing is taking advantage of the fact that my sister still won't be back from Toronto visiting my aunt until Saturday afternoon, and I haven't seen my mother. It's sad, really, how much I could simply forget about my own mother. I don't mean to forget her, and it's not that I forget about her per se, I guess I just got lazy and don't really want to walk across town anymore to go see her. That, and everytime I see her, I feel like I want to die inside because I feel like I'm never doing any good for her, and showing up sometimes is just as bad as not showing up at all. But I know I can't come every day, especially when Tasha's there - she doesn't like me very much - yeah, her own sister - it's her choice; I tried to bond with her but it seems we really are just that different.

I've been so gapped out I haven't even bothered to do homework during the March Break - something that I always enjoy doing. I just don't feel like it.

In other news...

I have made new friends. Joshua and Elijah.

Joshua's a little wierd, and.. I don't like him very much, but I try my best to keep interested in what he has to say.. (it's really hard!) D:

But.. Elijah! It's like we're able to connect and bond so well. He's been through a lot, as have I. He recently had his 16 year old family dog, Kairos put down the other day (like the 16th). :( I know what that's like losing a pet. I've lost so many pets in my childhood. But anyways.. he's just the sweetest kid in the world.. kid.. I'm saying it as if he was a kid.. he's like early 20's. Anyway! This is what he had to say:

Elijah: It seems to me that you care deeply about the world outside you. That you've come through the ass-end of the horse and you can still love deeply, feel strongly, and you're not scarred beyond repair. That you find comfort in other people, and in the lives of those around you. I think it's part of what makes you feel human, knowing that you're one of many, and you're not alone because of it. You are light and cheerful, and understated. You're not grasping for attention, not even quietly pleading for it. You simply deserve it, and I want to give it to you. It doesn't feel like a chore.
you are kind and empathetic. That you said anything about my dog's passing, and offered to talk about it, and gave condolances was more than this other girl did. She asked what I did today. I said I put my dog down. She said "I'm going drinking on Thursday with Kenneth"
so yeah. You just... you just care more. And it feels like I can not only listen to the problems you have, but also feel heard. I hope I'm correct in feeling that
you listen so well. Not used to it :p
Me: I can bond with you.
Elijah: you can. I like that you can relate like that. That you can make connections. Not many people have that ability - a good strategy to help other people know they're listening.
it's nice. Means there's conversation rather than monologues
I dunno. I just find myself with people who are too concerned with themselves. You seem to have room in you to think about others, too. Rare, imo. I like that in you.

He likes a lot of things about me. Earlier, he said things like, I've got a cute smile, and I'm adorable and hot and stuff. It's not that he's hitting on me though, it's those friendly little compliments that I seem to appreciate more than feel like I'm being seen as an object - which is a really nice change.

Elijah: <3 you're doing really well with all your stuff you know
You seem like you've got coping strategies for the shit in your life, and you're handling your world pretty nicely, in the face of all that's behind you. It's admirable
I think you're special. I think you're quite an extraordinary individual. Modest and kind hearted, with shit going on that you're handling expertly. I think there's more to you that meets the eye, and I think you underestimate yourself greatly.
You're truly an individual. And I like that :3

(He's likes A LOT of things about me.)

I see no reason to not be nice to you. I like you. I think you're charming, witty, intelligent and very companionable. You're insightful and emotionally charged. For all that you've got your shit to deal with, you're handling it, and you make life work for you. You're positive and constructive, and cheerful. I think I like that most of all about you. That you're happy, or exude happiness, even  if you're not always feeling it.

I hope to  talk to him again today, he truly is an awesome person and an interesting individual.

Well, I truly must go because the sun is about to rise, and I think I really should get a little bit of sleep!

I love you?

I got into an argument over compliments today, with my friend Joel. I tried to tell him that no one compliments me unless they want an easy score, and they think they can get it with me. He says he always means it when he compliments someone, which is great, but before you think anything of it; it's nothing to be hopeful of, never going to happen.

What he doesn't seem to understand is that I wouldn't mind someone falling in love with me.
And not have a relationship with someone that's been basing everything on a lie.