Wow.

Someone recently sent me an anonymous message. It said:
"Mel. I miss the old you.
To be perfectly honest, someone once told me that one of these days, I'm going to turn around and go: "What the hell happened?"
And I've turned around and asked myself that question. Since when did it get this bad? Since when did I ever let things go this bad? Where am I? Who am I?

I don't even know anymore.

I want to go back to the awkward girl. The one who didn't care if she grew up as long as she stayed true to herself. The one who didn't care about anything than what really mattered.

I don't even know what really matters anymore.

I've lost myself in a world that I don't understand. I've lost myself in a cruel and selfish world. I remember a couple of years ago I entered this site a friend had showed me, where she made up stories with other people online. I was explained to that it was called roleplaying, and many, many people were doing it. I thought I would give it a try. I was always told that I had a good imagination, but nothing compared to what these people had to offer. I suppose it was because they had more experience, more material, more talent. I was just some girl from a small town that wrote about having magic powers and finding a prince, or getting into some small little mix-up, and it was back to happily ever after.

With my stories, I created a world that was entirely different from my own. In my stories, I wasn't Melissa, or Missy, or Melly or Mel. I was a skinny little warrior with an almost impossibly pronounceable name and I was as strong as they come. I could overcome anything. In my stories, I wasn't this overweight, glasses and second-hand store wearing nerd. I was popular and shopped at cute little boutiques and had a lot of friends. In real life, I had no friends. I had no one by my side. I literally spent my entire life being bullied in school, and I had no one to talk about it. No one wanted to be friends with the fat kid with giant glasses and secondhand clothes. I wasn't good enough for them. I never had enough to be part of their groups. So, I did what I could. To avoid bullying, I hid in the shadows, never lifted my arm up in class, stopped trying to earn good grades so I would blend in and I wouldn't get any attention. But I wanted attention, I wanted attention bad. When I was 15, I was in the system. I met a few people and they changed a few things about me. I started smoking cigarettes, weed, drank alcohol, anything that would change the way I was.
My life blurred differently. I became numb to anything and everything.

Since then, I don't even know who I am now. After 4 years, I don't know how I got here.


But, for the first time since my teens, I'm going to change that. I'm going to become the person I wanted to be, mixed with the person I was before I got mixed up with the wrong people.

Think of it as... the new, old me. :)

Sincerely me, Southpaw Gypsy.

Edit: I know I mentioned that I started smoking cigs, weed and drinking alcohol, but I forgot to mention that I don't anymore, and haven't for a while. I just wanted to point that out..