Dear followers,
By the time you read this, it would have been days or maybe even weeks since I've typed it up.
I still can't believe I have followers – it's something I would have never thought, or imagined I would have had.
I'm sitting in my mother's living room, which you find as soon as you enter her house. It's strange. It's late, I put a movie in for mom to watch, The Lake House. I've had to restart it a few times. It's somewhat of a complicated movie, and if you don't sit down and watch it and don't miss a single moment it's hard to follow.
I finally got more time on my phone. Now I can receive calls and not worry about it costing me minutes. People can call me and I don't have to worry about any of it. Thing is, I haven't had this plan in a while, and I don't think anyone is going to call me. Kind of depressing, one might think.
Now that I have a little bit of money, I'd like to go to the bookstore and buy a couple of books to read. I have some Jane Austen's, but I wouldn't mind some different books by different authors. I'd like to buy “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” by Stephen Chibosky, I believe the name of the author is. I don't know what it's about, but it caught my eye and my curiosity makes me want to buy it. Maybe it's my gut telling me it will be a good book.
I have always been a reader. But it's been years since I grabbed a book and just read for no apparent reason. Now, I just want to read, and read, and read. Even my little sister has begun to read a lot. I'm glad for that. It's even helped her at school, in English and the sorts. I think tonight I'm going to either read Northanger Abbey, or one of the french books that my mother has. Tomorrow, I want to go to Walmart and pick up some shirts and stuff. I need more shirts. I've been borrowing my mother's bigger clothing and I'm running out of clothes.
Should I trust my printer's ink to express the things I think?
Mother's sleeping again. It's later than before; naturally. I'm on facebook on my phone and nothing is really happening. I mean, nothing big really happens after 2 am, usually so it's not that much of a surprise. I've put on NCIS Season 3 on. I'm only on the first disk, but since I'm listening to music and I have my back to the TV, I'm not really paying attention to it. I guess it's basically background noise, and I know that having the TV on helps mom sleep, so that's basically the only sufficient logical explanation for that.
Tomorrow is the day I walk to the optical store and get glasses. Actually, I am going to schedule an appointment, that hopefully happens in the next week or so, and pick out glasses. And then I have to wait another little while so they get delivered to me and so on. I know I'm going to need glasses before I leave for my trip anyway.
I'm also going to wait for my next check to leave for Calgary. I'll have a little more money than 555.75. Memere also wants my stuff out of there anyway, so it's going to be easier to leave. Somehow I'm going to have to pack only the bare minimum, and I'm a terrible packer. By that, I mean that I always over pack. There's always so much I want to take with me, but I know I can't just.. take everything.
Joel told me I should take as much time as I need before I leave. I think he understands just how hard it is to just leave like this. Sure, I would love to travel all the way there, but I don't want to get there and then have something terrible happen to my mother. I also don't want to be here when something terrible happens. I know she's terrified of dying. As I am terrified to see her die. It's not something I'm ready for.
Yes, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...
But sometimes, it's so much easier to not feel a single thing. To be completely numb. Comfortably numb.
Okay, I'm going to stop typing before this shit gets too depressing. Nobody likes a depressing post!
-Southpaw Gypsy
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