...Fuck.

I know I haven't written here in a while, and with good reason. I don't have the internet. Simple enough. However, I did say I would post all the entries I have written on the computer. I bought a journal that I could write with while I didn't have my laptop handy, or when my mother, grandmother or anyone else I was around could see that I wasn't on it all the damn time. I've been trying to write in it as much as I can, but sometimes I let days, mostly weeks go by without writing a single thing inside. Most of the time I'm simply just not in the mood to write. I've been so depressed lately that I've given up on the things I enjoy most - including writing. I hardly read anymore. Most of the time if I do read it's books that are as depressing as my state of mind. I always told people that nothing was wrong, that I was perfectly fine and that I could handle anything. Most of the people that I've met recently think I'm super woman or something. That the things that have happened to me seem to not affect me in the slightest. I'm just this happy-go-lucky smiling person and that nothing will ever hurt me. Truth is, it's getting harder and harder to hold up this lie. I'm hurting so bad inside that it's deeply showing on the outside. I've stopped eating on my own now - Mom has to force me to put something in my mouth. I think of nothing but drowning myself in alcohol.. maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here. I know I have a follower and I know he might be reading this.
I don't want him to know that I'm crumbling into pieces and that I don't know who to ask because I don't know who to trust anymore. You can't trust anyone. I've had therapists that have told my mother everything. I can't run from the past, I know this. But I don't want my past to affect my future - to do exactly what it's doing - crumbling me up into a billion pieces that could possibly kill me, or have me killed. Either or, whatever is the easiest I suppose.


Damn. I forgot that those entries were on my flash drive. I guess I'll have to wait until the next time..