I'm.. okay.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're just.. okay?
Like.. you feel safe and content and although you're not at that happy stage in your day.. you just feel.. okay.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.. I'm just.. okay.

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, The Hunger Games playing in the background on Netflix, S playing on the floor and blowing bubbles and slobber all over himself and I feel okay.

Oh.. who am I kidding? I'm at the point where I'm not trying to show any emotion. I'm holding on to everything I hold dear and I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and although I had already tied the knot and held on for dear life.. the loose ends are starting to sever, and my whole body feels like it's screaming for help, someone to save me.

Feeling this way scares me. It scares me because of how good I am at faking happiness. I'm so good that sometimes I fool myself. I can fool everyone. The only one that I know I can't fool is S.

It's like he knows everything. He can feel my pain.. how much I hurt. How much I question everything. How much I hate that he has to go through everything with just me. How much I hate that right now I can't give him the world. I'd give anything for him to have the perfect life.

I should stop for now. Finish watching the end of The Hunger Games, finish my coffee and try to regain my composure.