I need a break. I'm at the point where I want to scream at his father just because he left me with the sole responsibility of doing it on my own. I want to cry because its the same thing my mother said. She told me that it wasn't my fault my father wasn't around and that she's sorry that she is all I have.

Now she's gone, and I don't have either of my parents to run to and I'm raising a baby by myself  - and one day I'll have to say the same words that she had to tell me.

I just want to tell him... "How DARE you. How dare you leave me alone with a child to raise by myself. How dare you sit back as I stumble and fuck up everything. How DARE you make him suffer just like I did all because you THINK that it's not yours. How DARE you make me suffer because he looks I-FUCKING-DENTICAL to you."

Okay, so after spontaneous breakdown in tears, I'm still angry and frustrated and sad.. so very sad..

Insomnia.. again.

I feel like it's going to be another long night ahead of me. It's already 4 am and I feel drained. I'm looking around my apartment for something to do and everything that needs to be done I feel powerless to do them because I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Today (at least I think it was today) I told you to write anything and everything on your secret blog, just like I do. And I meant it - if I can write anything random on mine, you sure as hell can write about you in yours. I mean this with love, of course. I'm just grumpy pants.

S has been better tonight, although he's still coughing. My friend still has my keys and she won't give them back until Friday (night, maybe), and I'm at a loss with what I can do until then because I am not someone to be left cooped up in the house all day.

I just wish I could sleep...

I'm a good actress.

I posted a note on Facebook today. A note about how good and comfortable I am with my body, and how amazing I feel about myself. It just proves how good I am at faking this.

I get told almost everyday how I'm always happy and it's good to see someone who's always happy.
Did you know that the saddest person tends to smile the most?

The worst part is that I get so messed up inside.. & I look so fucking normal on the outside.

I constantly attempt to make people feel better about themselves because I know what it's like to feel bad about yourself.

I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile. How you try and fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing that's on the inside.

Sometimes it's like things would be so much better if I was just blank..

I'm.. okay.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're just.. okay?
Like.. you feel safe and content and although you're not at that happy stage in your day.. you just feel.. okay.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.. I'm just.. okay.

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, The Hunger Games playing in the background on Netflix, S playing on the floor and blowing bubbles and slobber all over himself and I feel okay.

Oh.. who am I kidding? I'm at the point where I'm not trying to show any emotion. I'm holding on to everything I hold dear and I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and although I had already tied the knot and held on for dear life.. the loose ends are starting to sever, and my whole body feels like it's screaming for help, someone to save me.

Feeling this way scares me. It scares me because of how good I am at faking happiness. I'm so good that sometimes I fool myself. I can fool everyone. The only one that I know I can't fool is S.

It's like he knows everything. He can feel my pain.. how much I hurt. How much I question everything. How much I hate that he has to go through everything with just me. How much I hate that right now I can't give him the world. I'd give anything for him to have the perfect life.

I should stop for now. Finish watching the end of The Hunger Games, finish my coffee and try to regain my composure. 

Tips For Managing Home Life

This is a useful post, take it how you will - I thought I would post it because as much as I think I'm organized I have days where I slip and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, so this entry will be about tips for managing home life. ~

You might find it helpful to use a structure to help you stay on task and manage your responsibilities in a timely manner. For example, you might use time management techniques, like making lists or using day planners, to adhere to routines. These techniques can apply to household responsibilities as well as other aspects of life.

One of the tricks you can use to make sure you stay on track with your day-to-day household responsibilities is to try to estimate the amount of time tasks will take to complete. You can make this fun by turning tasks into a game; have a little bet with yourself about how long you think it will take to pick up the dry cleaning, or call your mother, for example. Then make a note of how long the activity really took, and plan for that amount of time in your schedule the next time you have to perform that task.

It is also important to plan for unexpected events or responsibilities. This is called contingency planning. It involves building extra time into your schedule for the unpredictable - things like traffic jams, last minute long distance phone calls, or a long line at the grocery store.

The key to effectively planning your time is to set attainable goals.

Set Your Goals

There are many ways to learn and develop skills to help keep your household and life in order. To excel at this, you should acknowledge these points:

• Develop realistic goals - do not set too many goals at once or goals that are impossible to meet
• Don't try to do it all on your own - obtain the support you need from other individuals or from support groups

An important part of accomplishing your goals is to know your endpoint and work toward it. Instead of just jumping into a project, approach it in a way that will optimize your ability to finish the job. Here are some tips.

• Use your natural tendencies to make daily tasks easier - or more interesting - make them fun! Involve friends, create games or challenges - anything you can to make the task seem less tedious and more fun
• Work with your mood. If you feel in the mood to organize - work with that. Start a project that you feel you are in the mood to tackle

Organizing yourself with a tool such as a day planner can help you arrange your time and resources so you can reach your goal. 

Use a Day Planner

One of the best tools you can use for managing home, work, or school is a day planner. Listed below are three guiding principles for using a day planner. If you've already tried to use a day planner and you found it didn't work, or have never used a day planner before, you may find this information helpful. 

1. Train yourself to have your day planner with you at all times. In order for this tool to work, you have to teach yourself to take it with you everywhere. 
2. Train yourself to write down everything in your day. Every event, every 'must do'. Even if you keep separate calendars for family and work events, social engagements, or medical appointments, use your day planner as your master calendar. 
3. Keep two main lists in your day planner - a 'must do' list and a 'master' list. Your 'must do' list acts as your personal assistant to remind you of your schedule for that day. You can even break down your 'must do' list into different sections - for example, tasks that can be done in the same place or at anytime during the day, and 'must do's' that can be done at a specific time, no matter what - like healthcare professional appointments or flight plans. 

Your 'master list' contains all the 'must do' items that, while important, are not critical for that day.

Hope this was helpful :) 

Achievement Unlocked: Acquire Internets.

It's true. I have the internet. 
I feel better now that I have it, but I'm not looking forward to the first bill. I don't think anyone really looks forward to the first bill. It's always hell. D: 

Since I never really had a social life in the first place, especially living in a hick town with no friends, this is kind of an improvement. At least I'll be able to relax and do what I want instead of sitting around and literally doing nothing... which I have been accustomed to doing...

So what did I do so far? Checked e-mails, deleted junk, updated Tumblr.. and messed around on Facebook. Nothing useful of course, but eventually I'll probably find something good to do. 

Til then. :3