Cipralex

Today I actually took the steps to actually get help - the help that I have been hopelessly avoiding for over 10 years.
I know it's one thing to think about the steps to take and another to actually take those steps and for once, for myself, I took that first step into helping myself.. even a little bit.
A lot of my workers have been telling me over the past week that I have suffered more loss in my life than anyone can humanly handle. They tell me that the loss isn't even about the deaths I've witnessed, it's about the losses I've faced in most everything I've ever experienced. It's funny in a way, because they only know a quarter of my story.. if they knew it all they probably would be amazed at (how I've managed to even just survive) or how I haven't decided to kill myself already.
I talked to the doctor about my depression I haven't been able to handle for years, and my continuing and growing social anxieties that I have been trying so desperately to hide (and I've been almost successful for the most part).
She gave me Cipralex. I don't know what to think of it.. took my first one at 7 pm tonight.
Ended up sleeping for 2 hours about a half hour after I took it, and then I had diarrhea. TMI, I know.. but I didn't think the side effects would have started so quickly. With it being passed midnight now, I'm still tired. I have a little bit of a headache and I'm a little hungry. No sign of nausea or anything like that yet, and I don't feel any different. Maybe slightly a little more down then usual, but isn't that something that I should expect to feel? It's only the first day and they do tell me that it does take 2-3 weeks for it to really take effect so.. I have time, I suppose.

I don't know how many times I will be able to update on what's up with me, but I will try to as much as I can. I know it's been a long time since I have posted anything, but I just want you to know that I'm finally listening to myself and maybe this could be a positive step to a better me.

Keeping positive, or trying to.

Much love, Southpaw Gypsy

I'm tired of being the fat, funny girl.

I saw this post on a site I was looking at after googling on the internet if there were just ANYONE like me that was just so tired of looking in the mirror and feeling just so disgusted. No matter how much I can fool myself some days into thinking I'm pretty or I look beautiful, it just isn't so - and I know it too.

I think about getting surgery done every night - sometimes when I wake up and all day long after that. I think about how much it would cost me to lose weight and how much I was willing to sacrifice to get what I want. As a single mother, convenience is something that's almost required when thinking about myself (which is something I rarely get to do, regardless) and convenience isn't part of the working hard to "achieve weight loss success" in any way.

Before I stray too far into what I wanted to say, here's the post that I so desperately need to share with you.

What It's Really Like For The Fat Girl

Most people will never understand what it’s really like for someone who carries extra weight around with them their whole lives. I am prepared to share the complete, brutal, admittedly terrible truth with anyone who will listen to me on this day. Allow me to answer: “What is life really like for the fat girl?”   We can begin with the most obvious…appearance. You stare wistfully at your reflection in the mirror. No matter which angle you turn, you just don’t quite look right. The features on your face, no matter how beautiful they may be, are dwarfed by the extra fat you carry in your face. Your eyes, which may be wide and lovely, look small and particularly deep set in your skull. Your stunning high cheekbones; hidden in totality by the layers of tissue covering them. Your chin; pronounced, is a buoy floating on the sea that is your double chin. You can apply makeup, and help make yourself look better to a certain degree, but you know that no one is going to compliment your shade of lipstick today. The rest of your body is a mishmash of lumps and bumps, protrusions and strange angles that you know you simply cannot hide, regardless of what you wear.   Your desperation turns to panic as you raid your closet and realize that you have nothing decent to wear. Your panic escalates to heart failure as you remember that you won’t be able to find anything to wear…ever. The pants you own hug your belly, butt and thighs as if the cloth itself were holding on for dear life. The shirts you don only seem to accentuate your spare tire and bring attention to your ever-expanding waist. You realize this is as good as its gonna get and vow to avoid mirrors for the remainder of the day.   You leave for work. As soon as you exert yourself in the simplest way you begin to leak copious amounts of sweat from pores you didn’t even know you had. You are constantly plagued by this problem, and try to move as little as possible, because you know if you do, you’ll start to sweat again, and everyone will see it. If the bathroom, supply room, lunch room, whatever is downstairs you will put off going for as long as possible because you know that the simple climb up those stairs will cause those telltale beads of sweat to form along your brow…the one’s that scream “Look at the fatty, she cant even climb a flight of stairs without breaking into a sweat!!!”   You eat your lunch. Regardless of what you decide to have, you know that people are silently judging you. Salad or pizza, everyone is either thinking, “She should NOT be eating that” or “How pathetic, like a salad is going to fix THAT problem”. In addition, you struggle with your own guilt and self-loathing. If you pick the salad, you will be tortured with the smells of that penne a la vodka wafting off your friend’s plate. If you pick the pasta, you beat yourself up and don’t enjoy a single bite of it. Either way, you loose.   You go shopping. You dare not even attempt to walk into most of the stores in the mall. You have tried it before and were immediately put to shame by the disapproving glances of the sales people or your fellow shoppers. You realize that the largest size they carry is a 12, and since you are a 28, there is no way that is happening. Sadness overwhelms you when you realize all you can buy in the vast majorities of stores are socks, shoes, and earrings. You make your way to the “big girls” store and walk in, shameful, hoping no one saw you. Your heart aches as you ponder the wares being offered to you. Bottoms that are ill fitting and make you look twice as heavy as you are. Tops that are just as ill fitting that make you feel like you are wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out for the head and arms. Everything offered is in garish colors like lime green or neon pink. The materials used are cheap polyester blends that just intensify your own body heat and will make you (surprise!!) sweat like a pig. You may find a few items that could potentially look OK on you and you say a prayer as you take them to the fitting room. As you try these items on you are not surprised by the result. You look fat…and the clothes only make it that much worse. Of course you need pants and sweaters, so you buy the closest thing to “ok” that you can find. Naturally you pay more for these items than your thinner counterparts because the stores know you only have one or two retailers to choose from, so if they charge 60.00 for a pair of basic black slacks…you are gonna have to pay it. No $10.00 items for you fatty!   You go out with your friends. While your thin girlfriends get drink after drink bought for them, you bear the shame of reaching into your wallet over and over again. While they attract positive attention, flirt shamelessly, steal kisses and get numbers you hover near the bar, pull at your ill-fitting clothing and wish you were invisible. If by chance some guy happens to pay you some attention you now its one of three things…Either; the guy is not someone that you would want to be with, they are super drunk and rocking beer goggles, or it’s the work of the super hot guy who is trying to bed your thin friends wingman. Sure, it could be just a guy who likes bigger girls…but come on, who the heck are we kidding?   You know deep down that you will never attract the kind of guy you would want to be with long term. That perfect guy, who is fit and handsome, has a great job and a great personality, who is funny and witty, who has great friends and a great family, who you would be proud to have on your arm and who will treat you right. That decent guy is out there, and although he would never be mean to you because he is far to kind, and although he would never poke fun at you because his mother taught him good manners, and although he may buy you a drink because it is the polite thing to do…you know that he will never turn to you, gaze into your eyes, kiss you softly and tell you that you are “the one”. Why? Because he is not attracted to you. Sure, you can get a guy, get a date, get someone to take you home…but is that really the guy that you would pick if you could pick anyone? The answer is NO. Let’s be honest.   You live carefully and are forced to ponder and worry about things your thin counterparts give absolutely no thought to. When you take a ride in a friends car you worry that you will not be able to fit in the backseat, and if there are others riding along, you worry you will squish them. The idea of getting into a two-door cars backseat terrifies you. How will you be able to get in and out gracefully? You won’t. Period. Going to a movie theater or a show strikes fear into your heart because you know you will either not fit in the seat or will be squished into discomfort taking the person to the right and left to the same hell you will be visiting thanks to your encroaching fat. Getting on a plane makes you nauseous. What if the airline decides you need two seats? What if the seatbelt doesn’t reach? What if you cant fit in the seat? Let’s say all goes well and you are not asked to pay for another seat, you cannot mistake the looks of disgust and anger on the face of the guy you are sitting next to. You knew what he was thinking the entire time you walked down the aisle…”Please don’t let her sit next to me…please God”. Then you sit, you buckle your belt (if lucky) and then are embarrassed by the flight attendant who makes it a point to check your belt just to be sure you got it on. She checks you because she figures you weren’t able to buckle it. You can’t fault her for doing her job, but your face burns with shame for the rest of the flight.    Then there’s your health. Your knees creak under your added weight. Your feet swell and throb due to the extra pressure placed on your feet. Your back hurts all the time because of the extra girth you place on your poor vertebrae. Your skin expands and is ruined by silver gray streaking stretch marks that tear through your pink flesh as if being done by an invisible ripper. You suffer through pimples, blackheads and boils that form in the places where your fat rubs together over and over again. Your inner thighs and underarms are stained permanent brown due to the fact your skin has thickened thanks to the constant friction. Your blood pressure is above normal, you are pre-diabetic, and your cholesterol is sky high. Of course even if you are able to kid yourself into thinking you are “totally healthy” you cannot deny knowing that if you stay at this weight you will NOT stay that way forever.   Your friends and family are supportive and you know they love you but they will not let you forget, not even for a moment, how much weight you’ve gained or how much better you would look if you lost some weight. You know they are right, but it still hurts when they bring this up. You feel inadequate and useless. You try to fool yourself into thinking that its ok to be fat like this. You read up on sites that proclaim “FAT? So what..?” and study sites that rally for fat acceptance. You hear people that look just like you proclaim that they are happy with their weight, that they love their bodies, and that they wouldn’t change it for the world. You listen to them say that society is the problem and that others should be more tolerant because we are all meant to be different. You pump your fist in righteous indignation and agree with them, heck, you may even truly come to believe in their bylines. However, there is always a part of you that knows that what you are is not accepted, not natural and not attractive. You know, deep down, that you are the problem…not everyone else. You also know that if a magic potion were offered to you that would melt away your fat and make you lean and toned you would take it without hesitation. You also know that all those “fat acceptance” people on those websites…deep down…would too.  
This is the reality of being obese. This is what it is like. Maybe not everyday, but just enough days to make you really seriously consider becoming a hermit. 

I just wanted to offer some perspective to those who don't have the unfortunate circumstances in living in a fat suit. There are reasons to be fat, any reason - not always because of over eating or eating junk foods. Hopefully by reading this you understand just how much this really does affect my life - amongst the rest of my constant worries and stressful situations.

I have been looking into buying an Xbox 360 about as soon as I can. But now that I think about it, I really would like to buy one with the Kinect - with fitness games too, so I don't have to be ashamed walking down the street, or working out in front of people and sweating like I'm in a sauna after 5 minutes (sometimes even less). Honestly, I am frustrated at myself because I've ruined so many potentially good shirts thanks to that.

I'd go on more about this issue, but I don't know what more I could say. I just hope that message has you gain a little bit more perspective on how I see the world and myself through my eyes. I know I'm not alone.

I need a break. I'm at the point where I want to scream at his father just because he left me with the sole responsibility of doing it on my own. I want to cry because its the same thing my mother said. She told me that it wasn't my fault my father wasn't around and that she's sorry that she is all I have.

Now she's gone, and I don't have either of my parents to run to and I'm raising a baby by myself  - and one day I'll have to say the same words that she had to tell me.

I just want to tell him... "How DARE you. How dare you leave me alone with a child to raise by myself. How dare you sit back as I stumble and fuck up everything. How DARE you make him suffer just like I did all because you THINK that it's not yours. How DARE you make me suffer because he looks I-FUCKING-DENTICAL to you."

Okay, so after spontaneous breakdown in tears, I'm still angry and frustrated and sad.. so very sad..

Insomnia.. again.

I feel like it's going to be another long night ahead of me. It's already 4 am and I feel drained. I'm looking around my apartment for something to do and everything that needs to be done I feel powerless to do them because I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Today (at least I think it was today) I told you to write anything and everything on your secret blog, just like I do. And I meant it - if I can write anything random on mine, you sure as hell can write about you in yours. I mean this with love, of course. I'm just grumpy pants.

S has been better tonight, although he's still coughing. My friend still has my keys and she won't give them back until Friday (night, maybe), and I'm at a loss with what I can do until then because I am not someone to be left cooped up in the house all day.

I just wish I could sleep...

I'm a good actress.

I posted a note on Facebook today. A note about how good and comfortable I am with my body, and how amazing I feel about myself. It just proves how good I am at faking this.

I get told almost everyday how I'm always happy and it's good to see someone who's always happy.
Did you know that the saddest person tends to smile the most?

The worst part is that I get so messed up inside.. & I look so fucking normal on the outside.

I constantly attempt to make people feel better about themselves because I know what it's like to feel bad about yourself.

I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile. How you try and fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing that's on the inside.

Sometimes it's like things would be so much better if I was just blank..

I'm.. okay.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're just.. okay?
Like.. you feel safe and content and although you're not at that happy stage in your day.. you just feel.. okay.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.. I'm just.. okay.

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, The Hunger Games playing in the background on Netflix, S playing on the floor and blowing bubbles and slobber all over himself and I feel okay.

Oh.. who am I kidding? I'm at the point where I'm not trying to show any emotion. I'm holding on to everything I hold dear and I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and although I had already tied the knot and held on for dear life.. the loose ends are starting to sever, and my whole body feels like it's screaming for help, someone to save me.

Feeling this way scares me. It scares me because of how good I am at faking happiness. I'm so good that sometimes I fool myself. I can fool everyone. The only one that I know I can't fool is S.

It's like he knows everything. He can feel my pain.. how much I hurt. How much I question everything. How much I hate that he has to go through everything with just me. How much I hate that right now I can't give him the world. I'd give anything for him to have the perfect life.

I should stop for now. Finish watching the end of The Hunger Games, finish my coffee and try to regain my composure. 

Tips For Managing Home Life

This is a useful post, take it how you will - I thought I would post it because as much as I think I'm organized I have days where I slip and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, so this entry will be about tips for managing home life. ~

You might find it helpful to use a structure to help you stay on task and manage your responsibilities in a timely manner. For example, you might use time management techniques, like making lists or using day planners, to adhere to routines. These techniques can apply to household responsibilities as well as other aspects of life.

One of the tricks you can use to make sure you stay on track with your day-to-day household responsibilities is to try to estimate the amount of time tasks will take to complete. You can make this fun by turning tasks into a game; have a little bet with yourself about how long you think it will take to pick up the dry cleaning, or call your mother, for example. Then make a note of how long the activity really took, and plan for that amount of time in your schedule the next time you have to perform that task.

It is also important to plan for unexpected events or responsibilities. This is called contingency planning. It involves building extra time into your schedule for the unpredictable - things like traffic jams, last minute long distance phone calls, or a long line at the grocery store.

The key to effectively planning your time is to set attainable goals.

Set Your Goals

There are many ways to learn and develop skills to help keep your household and life in order. To excel at this, you should acknowledge these points:

• Develop realistic goals - do not set too many goals at once or goals that are impossible to meet
• Don't try to do it all on your own - obtain the support you need from other individuals or from support groups

An important part of accomplishing your goals is to know your endpoint and work toward it. Instead of just jumping into a project, approach it in a way that will optimize your ability to finish the job. Here are some tips.

• Use your natural tendencies to make daily tasks easier - or more interesting - make them fun! Involve friends, create games or challenges - anything you can to make the task seem less tedious and more fun
• Work with your mood. If you feel in the mood to organize - work with that. Start a project that you feel you are in the mood to tackle

Organizing yourself with a tool such as a day planner can help you arrange your time and resources so you can reach your goal. 

Use a Day Planner

One of the best tools you can use for managing home, work, or school is a day planner. Listed below are three guiding principles for using a day planner. If you've already tried to use a day planner and you found it didn't work, or have never used a day planner before, you may find this information helpful. 

1. Train yourself to have your day planner with you at all times. In order for this tool to work, you have to teach yourself to take it with you everywhere. 
2. Train yourself to write down everything in your day. Every event, every 'must do'. Even if you keep separate calendars for family and work events, social engagements, or medical appointments, use your day planner as your master calendar. 
3. Keep two main lists in your day planner - a 'must do' list and a 'master' list. Your 'must do' list acts as your personal assistant to remind you of your schedule for that day. You can even break down your 'must do' list into different sections - for example, tasks that can be done in the same place or at anytime during the day, and 'must do's' that can be done at a specific time, no matter what - like healthcare professional appointments or flight plans. 

Your 'master list' contains all the 'must do' items that, while important, are not critical for that day.

Hope this was helpful :) 

Achievement Unlocked: Acquire Internets.

It's true. I have the internet. 
I feel better now that I have it, but I'm not looking forward to the first bill. I don't think anyone really looks forward to the first bill. It's always hell. D: 

Since I never really had a social life in the first place, especially living in a hick town with no friends, this is kind of an improvement. At least I'll be able to relax and do what I want instead of sitting around and literally doing nothing... which I have been accustomed to doing...

So what did I do so far? Checked e-mails, deleted junk, updated Tumblr.. and messed around on Facebook. Nothing useful of course, but eventually I'll probably find something good to do. 

Til then. :3