I'm not in the frame of mind that I need to be. There's so much going on in my head; about moving mostly. But one thing just keeps going to the top of my "to-do list" that I can't seem to shake off.
I'm not comfortable with my body. I don't like the way it looks, I don't like the way it feels, I don't like it at all.
For a while, especially during the last months of my pregnancy and the first few months after S was born, I felt incredibly confident about my body. I felt sexy, and proud. I didn't care that I had a belly the size of a pumpkin and I didn't mind showing it off, under clothing, of course.
But now... looking at my body naked in the mirror, I see nothing but flaws. The deep scarring of my stretch marks, the loose, hanging skin. I feel completely repulsed by what I see that I can't help but wonder if I'll ever love myself the way I did in those short months.
I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I can't touch my arms, my belly or my legs without feeling completely disgusted. Even if I was smaller, I don't think I'll ever accept myself, my body, for what it is.
I guess it doesn't help that I haven't found someone that accepts my natural body either. I won't even get into the whole soul bit. Nobody has ever regarded my body to be beautiful, or perfect just the way it is. Nobody has ever looked at me the way I should be looked at, or even thought that I had a beautiful body.
I know I'm not supposed to think this way, but how am I supposed to love what I have, if I've never been told that it's something to love?
It doesn't help that I have "a few extra pounds" either, as people put it.
"The most difficult thing in life, is to know yourself."
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
What was supposed to be a boring 'fetching snacks for the kids' ....
....turned out to be me wishing that I hadn't gone with my aunt to town to the grocery and dollar store.
What hit me and how I felt took me completely by surprise. Literally.
We did mindless running around first, to get green for my aunt's son, and hang out with a few of our mutual friends, then we pulled into the parking spot and I felt so oblivious, I probably should of guessed what was going to happen.
I got to the dollar store, confident in knowing that I don't look like a bum or a mom with no style. I looked adorable and I knew it. My best friend was working, so I said hi. I figured that since she was working, he wouldn't be there - they rarely work together. I was getting random items around the cash register station with my uncle and she turns to me, and says: "I would have told you sooner but he's worki--" only to stop right there, and have me turn around. There he was, with a basket in one hand, his apron tied around his waist. I swallowed hard and looked away quickly, trying to resume my conversation with my aunt, very aware of my fidgeting and voice pitched just a little too high.
He disappeared and I remembered to finally breathe. But it was too late, I was shaking, face hot and feeling so weak any second I'd drop to the floor.
He appeared again. This time, he was talking about some kids who came in just to steal chocolate, eat some of it, and spit the rest all over one of the aisles. I looked everywhere but where he stood. I wondered if he could see how badly I was out of control of my own actions.
He didn't notice. I laughed nervously. "That sucks."
I turned around quickly, voice still too high pitched. "Is this all?" to my aunt, who was in front of me.
Then, I turned to go in the opposite direction and he was inches away from me. I stopped, unable to get myself to move, still shaking. "So, how have you been?" he said. "Good, haven't had a decent amount of sleep in a while.." I replied.
"Haha, yeah. That's what babies like S do. And then they grow up to be bratty kids like those ones." he said.
I stammered something along the lines of: "They weren't raised right."
I left the store shortly after that. Even after 3 hours, I'm still shaking, my heart's still pounding and my knees are so damn weak.
I can't help it. I don't know what to do. He won't give me the time of day. I can't stop feeling like a fool, my body and heart betraying me like that. I want to cry, but I can't. There's no tears. I just feel so damn stupid for acting like a preteen with beiber fever. Ugh, damn you stupid heart.
What hit me and how I felt took me completely by surprise. Literally.
We did mindless running around first, to get green for my aunt's son, and hang out with a few of our mutual friends, then we pulled into the parking spot and I felt so oblivious, I probably should of guessed what was going to happen.
I got to the dollar store, confident in knowing that I don't look like a bum or a mom with no style. I looked adorable and I knew it. My best friend was working, so I said hi. I figured that since she was working, he wouldn't be there - they rarely work together. I was getting random items around the cash register station with my uncle and she turns to me, and says: "I would have told you sooner but he's worki--" only to stop right there, and have me turn around. There he was, with a basket in one hand, his apron tied around his waist. I swallowed hard and looked away quickly, trying to resume my conversation with my aunt, very aware of my fidgeting and voice pitched just a little too high.
He disappeared and I remembered to finally breathe. But it was too late, I was shaking, face hot and feeling so weak any second I'd drop to the floor.
He appeared again. This time, he was talking about some kids who came in just to steal chocolate, eat some of it, and spit the rest all over one of the aisles. I looked everywhere but where he stood. I wondered if he could see how badly I was out of control of my own actions.
He didn't notice. I laughed nervously. "That sucks."
I turned around quickly, voice still too high pitched. "Is this all?" to my aunt, who was in front of me.
Then, I turned to go in the opposite direction and he was inches away from me. I stopped, unable to get myself to move, still shaking. "So, how have you been?" he said. "Good, haven't had a decent amount of sleep in a while.." I replied.
"Haha, yeah. That's what babies like S do. And then they grow up to be bratty kids like those ones." he said.
I stammered something along the lines of: "They weren't raised right."
I left the store shortly after that. Even after 3 hours, I'm still shaking, my heart's still pounding and my knees are so damn weak.
I can't help it. I don't know what to do. He won't give me the time of day. I can't stop feeling like a fool, my body and heart betraying me like that. I want to cry, but I can't. There's no tears. I just feel so damn stupid for acting like a preteen with beiber fever. Ugh, damn you stupid heart.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Today's update.
I didn't end up babysitting. I had to cancel an hour because my aunt woke up throwing up. I feel awful because no matter how much I try to be reliable, I can't because I have to constantly deal with everyone else. Ugh.
Well, it started out good.. now I know it's gonna end bad..
Good morning!
It's been an interesting couple of days, but I'm making it work. My aunt finally got home yesterday, and part of me wishes she'd just stayed where she was. I would have taken the 'bar fight scene' in my living room every evening and night with my twin uncles over her complaining any day. I missed having her around, but after last night.. it kind of makes me wonder just why I missed her in the first place.
I enjoyed cleaning and taking care of everyone (and I do mean everyone) while she was gone. It gave me a reason to keep busy, and made my days short. Which to be honest, is great most of the time. I wasn't exactly bored anymore, which was also nice.
So, before she came home, the house was in a little bit of a mess, so I decided to clean the entire house before she came back home, so that she could go upstairs and just rest a little bit - it was a long trip back home.
But she came in, and it was like I didn't do any work at all. There is no pleasing this lady! Every little bit of cleaning seemed like I did it for nothing because it was obviously not good enough.
So, I said screw it. If you're not going to like the fact that I basically slaved over the entire house with a screaming baby and nagging twin uncles, fine, suit yourself.
I had to try and tune out her incessant bitching, while S continued to wail.
Both my aunt and uncle went to bed at 8 PM, and after relaxing for a couple of hours, I was out at 10:30 PM, and I couldn't have been happier. S let me sleep in until 6 AM. I woke up having some decent sleep feeling like a somewhat normal human being. It was nice. Basically 8 hours sleep. I'm a lucky lady.
Today is going to be an interesting day. My uncle failed to explain to my aunt that I had to babysit today. Two kids under 4 months, overnight. Told my friend Lisa that I would babysit little L for her overnight, if in return she would babysit little S for me on September 6th overnight, so I could go out. I don't really feel like going out, honestly, but my aunt and uncle want birthday smushing. Bleh.
So, my aunt is in for a big surprise, and I'm gonna have one hell of a time if she thinks that I'm going to decline babysitting last minute to please her. My uncle had no problem with it when the plans were made, and if she has a problem with it, then I'm staying put, in the house, with my baby on his birthday, and nobody is going to like that.
I've got to relax. It's early, really early in the morning and I'm the only one awake. Even little S went back to sleep. And I can already feel myself tensing up again with the thought that I'm going to have to deal with that cranky butt today. I hate when they don't want me to do anything for other people, but they always expect other people to bend for me. I hate it. It makes me seem like an incredibly selfish person, and I'm exhausted from it.
Now that she's here again, I'm counting the days until I can get the hell out of here.
And to think, when it was just me and my uncle, the two dogs and S, I was happy. Like, dancing around the kitchen bare feet, singing 'Hakuna Matata' and 'I Just Can't Wait (To Be King)' to a smiling S. It was an amazing feeling. Now I'm back to so tense I can't move my back without feeling like I'm going to pull something, and feeling like I'm about to lose my freaking mind.
Well, I'm not looking forward to today. Not at all... not at all..
It's been an interesting couple of days, but I'm making it work. My aunt finally got home yesterday, and part of me wishes she'd just stayed where she was. I would have taken the 'bar fight scene' in my living room every evening and night with my twin uncles over her complaining any day. I missed having her around, but after last night.. it kind of makes me wonder just why I missed her in the first place.
I enjoyed cleaning and taking care of everyone (and I do mean everyone) while she was gone. It gave me a reason to keep busy, and made my days short. Which to be honest, is great most of the time. I wasn't exactly bored anymore, which was also nice.
So, before she came home, the house was in a little bit of a mess, so I decided to clean the entire house before she came back home, so that she could go upstairs and just rest a little bit - it was a long trip back home.
But she came in, and it was like I didn't do any work at all. There is no pleasing this lady! Every little bit of cleaning seemed like I did it for nothing because it was obviously not good enough.
So, I said screw it. If you're not going to like the fact that I basically slaved over the entire house with a screaming baby and nagging twin uncles, fine, suit yourself.
I had to try and tune out her incessant bitching, while S continued to wail.
Both my aunt and uncle went to bed at 8 PM, and after relaxing for a couple of hours, I was out at 10:30 PM, and I couldn't have been happier. S let me sleep in until 6 AM. I woke up having some decent sleep feeling like a somewhat normal human being. It was nice. Basically 8 hours sleep. I'm a lucky lady.
Today is going to be an interesting day. My uncle failed to explain to my aunt that I had to babysit today. Two kids under 4 months, overnight. Told my friend Lisa that I would babysit little L for her overnight, if in return she would babysit little S for me on September 6th overnight, so I could go out. I don't really feel like going out, honestly, but my aunt and uncle want birthday smushing. Bleh.
So, my aunt is in for a big surprise, and I'm gonna have one hell of a time if she thinks that I'm going to decline babysitting last minute to please her. My uncle had no problem with it when the plans were made, and if she has a problem with it, then I'm staying put, in the house, with my baby on his birthday, and nobody is going to like that.
I've got to relax. It's early, really early in the morning and I'm the only one awake. Even little S went back to sleep. And I can already feel myself tensing up again with the thought that I'm going to have to deal with that cranky butt today. I hate when they don't want me to do anything for other people, but they always expect other people to bend for me. I hate it. It makes me seem like an incredibly selfish person, and I'm exhausted from it.
Now that she's here again, I'm counting the days until I can get the hell out of here.
And to think, when it was just me and my uncle, the two dogs and S, I was happy. Like, dancing around the kitchen bare feet, singing 'Hakuna Matata' and 'I Just Can't Wait (To Be King)' to a smiling S. It was an amazing feeling. Now I'm back to so tense I can't move my back without feeling like I'm going to pull something, and feeling like I'm about to lose my freaking mind.
Well, I'm not looking forward to today. Not at all... not at all..
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Psychology, maybe?
I'm always the one who has the best relationship advice, yet I'm the only single one around. How is that fair?
My friend says that I should go into psychology, since I'm always right.
My passion for psychology isn't to prove how right I am. It basically stems from my curiosity in how humans function. What makes them do what they do, what makes them tick, what makes them break down.
Okay, so I'm basically wanting to take psychology to analyze myself. I want to know why I do the things I do and if what I do is on purpose or by accident, or what my brain is transmitting for me.
I've started a small idea on a book, finally. I doubt it will get anywhere. My interests in finding myself and establishing worthwhile and life changing goals will probably get in the way of realizing one of my dreams of becoming an author of a book nobody read.
My friend says that I should go into psychology, since I'm always right.
My passion for psychology isn't to prove how right I am. It basically stems from my curiosity in how humans function. What makes them do what they do, what makes them tick, what makes them break down.
Okay, so I'm basically wanting to take psychology to analyze myself. I want to know why I do the things I do and if what I do is on purpose or by accident, or what my brain is transmitting for me.
I've started a small idea on a book, finally. I doubt it will get anywhere. My interests in finding myself and establishing worthwhile and life changing goals will probably get in the way of realizing one of my dreams of becoming an author of a book nobody read.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Academics, Alex? For 500?
Today had me thinking a bit about what I'm doing with my time.
Which got me to what I want to do -right now-
Which then got me thinking about what kind of job or occupation I wanted down the line, or in the near future.
Here's what I got as short results:
1. I'm doing nothing with my time (apart from raising my son) other than housework and mindless facebook games.
2. What I wish I was doing right now, was enrolling in some classes, just so I can feel comfortable in having deadlines and assignments again.
3. I don't know what I 'want to be when I "grow up",' but my aunt F said that if I like writing, I should be a speechmaker for important people. But what if I don't like these people. How am I supposed to write convincing speeches to people I don't like? The answer seems simple enough: Don't write speeches for people you don't like. But what if I have no choice and I need the money? Doesn't seem like honest work to me. I guess most work is far from honest - the worst reality of it all.
I want to be able to write a lot. I want to be able to do a lot more with my life than sitting at home, raising a baby. I want to show people that even though I'm a single mother.. I can be so much more. I want to prove to people that I'm smart and kind and hard-working, even when faced with interesting and slightly troubling situations.
Like, I want to go to college. But before I can do that.. I have to be able to finish my one stupid high school credit. And I can't finish that one stupid high school credit, until I start Family Enrichment again - which starts on September 4th, about 22 days away.
Why can't I do things when I want to do them? Why should I have to wait to be able to accomplish something?
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO NOT WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO??
...Ahem.
I guess what brought this all on is that a couple of weeks ago, I decided to buy a planner, so I can keep track of appointments, both me and S'. I thought I had a lot of appointments, because before that book, I could never keep track of them all. Now, I feel like there isn't enough appointments. Like, there is way too much time in between that I'm just wasting doing nothing, when I could be doing a lot of things.
What bothers me is that I want to be able to go to school. Bring S to daycare while I try to earn something that brings me closer to a career and a better life for me and my boy.
But what bothers me more is that I'm more motivated to do things when I have no life, when I'm living right out of town where it's nearly impossible to do anything and when I'm way too bored for my own good because I've run out of things to do, to clean and to take care of.
This weekend, while my Aunt J is away, I am acting housemother until she gets back. I don't know what that means. And, I recieved the title under protest - I didn't want her to leave in the first place because that meant my twin uncles would be home and drinking and I'd have to balance 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby while trying to clean the house. Naturally I did it, and not without complaint (which I solemnly deserved to point out), and I still managed to be bored enough to stay on the computer - S sleeps a lot lately.
-sighs-
I guess that's enough for now. Don't want to bore you. God knows I'm boring myself.
Which got me to what I want to do -right now-
Which then got me thinking about what kind of job or occupation I wanted down the line, or in the near future.
Here's what I got as short results:
1. I'm doing nothing with my time (apart from raising my son) other than housework and mindless facebook games.
2. What I wish I was doing right now, was enrolling in some classes, just so I can feel comfortable in having deadlines and assignments again.
3. I don't know what I 'want to be when I "grow up",' but my aunt F said that if I like writing, I should be a speechmaker for important people. But what if I don't like these people. How am I supposed to write convincing speeches to people I don't like? The answer seems simple enough: Don't write speeches for people you don't like. But what if I have no choice and I need the money? Doesn't seem like honest work to me. I guess most work is far from honest - the worst reality of it all.
I want to be able to write a lot. I want to be able to do a lot more with my life than sitting at home, raising a baby. I want to show people that even though I'm a single mother.. I can be so much more. I want to prove to people that I'm smart and kind and hard-working, even when faced with interesting and slightly troubling situations.
Like, I want to go to college. But before I can do that.. I have to be able to finish my one stupid high school credit. And I can't finish that one stupid high school credit, until I start Family Enrichment again - which starts on September 4th, about 22 days away.
Why can't I do things when I want to do them? Why should I have to wait to be able to accomplish something?
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO NOT WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TO??
...Ahem.
I guess what brought this all on is that a couple of weeks ago, I decided to buy a planner, so I can keep track of appointments, both me and S'. I thought I had a lot of appointments, because before that book, I could never keep track of them all. Now, I feel like there isn't enough appointments. Like, there is way too much time in between that I'm just wasting doing nothing, when I could be doing a lot of things.
What bothers me is that I want to be able to go to school. Bring S to daycare while I try to earn something that brings me closer to a career and a better life for me and my boy.
But what bothers me more is that I'm more motivated to do things when I have no life, when I'm living right out of town where it's nearly impossible to do anything and when I'm way too bored for my own good because I've run out of things to do, to clean and to take care of.
This weekend, while my Aunt J is away, I am acting housemother until she gets back. I don't know what that means. And, I recieved the title under protest - I didn't want her to leave in the first place because that meant my twin uncles would be home and drinking and I'd have to balance 2 adults, 2 dogs and a baby while trying to clean the house. Naturally I did it, and not without complaint (which I solemnly deserved to point out), and I still managed to be bored enough to stay on the computer - S sleeps a lot lately.
-sighs-
I guess that's enough for now. Don't want to bore you. God knows I'm boring myself.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
It's thunderstorming pink & blue...
Yesterday was an interesting day.
After the pancake mess, which I didn't actually clean up, I left with the baby and my girlfriend to hang out.
Before I did, I made sure to leave a note that I wasn't in fact cleaning it up. (My uncle later stated, when I got home again, that I completely threw him under the bus - I didn't feel bad, he made the mess, he should be the one to clean it up again).
Our hanging out consisted of going to the mall and then to her parent's house for dinner, which happens every time we hang out.
But what was different was the entire time, we were talking about pregnancy and babies. I was trying to tell her how hard it is to raise a child, from the single viewpoint (because that the only viewpoint I have), and how life changes drastically, and how you might already have an idea of how hard it is now, but you don't really know until it actually happens in reality.
I explained to her that she needs to know when she's going to conceive, possible due dates and finding out approximately when she ovulates. I told her that I don't really want her to get pregnant, but knowing information can save her a lot of trouble.
I gave her a 5-hour speech. I'm hoping that she knows more now, but it's all up to her. I told her I'd support her if she ever did get pregnant, but I also mentioned that I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I might have it a little easier because I have a pretty easy baby, but easy babies aren't exactly still easy to take care of.
After coming home, I settled back in with the baby with cuddles, S didn't want to sleep, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, at 8:30 PM, it's started pouring and storming hard. By 9, we had lost power. S wouldn't go to sleep finally until 12:30 AM, and by that point, after trying to calm him down, I was exhausted. We both slept soundly until 6:30 AM, he ate, and finally now, at 10:30 AM, he's finally back to sleep for his morning nap. Power came back at exactly 7 AM, and I was actually able to warm up his bottle and not give him lukewarm formula.
This morning, I have the awesome task at cleaning the kitchen... again.
There was garbage and dishes everywhere. I got the garbage cleaned up, but now it's time for dishes.
My friend is coming again today at 3:30 PM after work so we can hang out again. Before then, I have to clean up the kitchen and my bedroom - not forgetting laundry. Ugh, does it ever end?
After the pancake mess, which I didn't actually clean up, I left with the baby and my girlfriend to hang out.
Before I did, I made sure to leave a note that I wasn't in fact cleaning it up. (My uncle later stated, when I got home again, that I completely threw him under the bus - I didn't feel bad, he made the mess, he should be the one to clean it up again).
Our hanging out consisted of going to the mall and then to her parent's house for dinner, which happens every time we hang out.
But what was different was the entire time, we were talking about pregnancy and babies. I was trying to tell her how hard it is to raise a child, from the single viewpoint (because that the only viewpoint I have), and how life changes drastically, and how you might already have an idea of how hard it is now, but you don't really know until it actually happens in reality.
I explained to her that she needs to know when she's going to conceive, possible due dates and finding out approximately when she ovulates. I told her that I don't really want her to get pregnant, but knowing information can save her a lot of trouble.
I gave her a 5-hour speech. I'm hoping that she knows more now, but it's all up to her. I told her I'd support her if she ever did get pregnant, but I also mentioned that I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I might have it a little easier because I have a pretty easy baby, but easy babies aren't exactly still easy to take care of.
After coming home, I settled back in with the baby with cuddles, S didn't want to sleep, so I knew something was up. Sure enough, at 8:30 PM, it's started pouring and storming hard. By 9, we had lost power. S wouldn't go to sleep finally until 12:30 AM, and by that point, after trying to calm him down, I was exhausted. We both slept soundly until 6:30 AM, he ate, and finally now, at 10:30 AM, he's finally back to sleep for his morning nap. Power came back at exactly 7 AM, and I was actually able to warm up his bottle and not give him lukewarm formula.
This morning, I have the awesome task at cleaning the kitchen... again.
There was garbage and dishes everywhere. I got the garbage cleaned up, but now it's time for dishes.
My friend is coming again today at 3:30 PM after work so we can hang out again. Before then, I have to clean up the kitchen and my bedroom - not forgetting laundry. Ugh, does it ever end?
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Pancakes made with UGH.
S is crying again, finally waking up from his 3-hour sleep after his last feeding at 5:30 am. I go downstairs to make him a bottle, and I am completely shocked at the kitchen's condition, just 3 hours after my last visit.
PANCAKES. PANCAKES EVERYWHERE.
There's pancake mix all over the entire counterspace, both dry and wet, all over the stove, what looks like every single bowl in the house was used, cups, forks, spoons, butter, the pan.. etc..
Then there's the bowl filled to about half with old pancake mix, that looks like it's been sitting for days.
I'm completely disgusted.
Someone else is awake. I can hear the shower going. I'm staring at the mess, and quite frankly, I don't want to clean it up. I don't want to bother myself. It's completely disgusting.
Gah.
PANCAKES. PANCAKES EVERYWHERE.
There's pancake mix all over the entire counterspace, both dry and wet, all over the stove, what looks like every single bowl in the house was used, cups, forks, spoons, butter, the pan.. etc..
Then there's the bowl filled to about half with old pancake mix, that looks like it's been sitting for days.
I'm completely disgusted.
Someone else is awake. I can hear the shower going. I'm staring at the mess, and quite frankly, I don't want to clean it up. I don't want to bother myself. It's completely disgusting.
Gah.
Friday, August 3, 2012
And this is what I have to look forward to...
I read this on a Not Always Related website:
(I am talking online about parenting.)
Me: “Argh. I look over and she’s standing in a puddle of pee with a purple crayon shoved up her nose.”
Friend: “If anyone ever asks you what it’s like to have a toddler, you just quote that line right there.”
(I am talking online about parenting.)
Me: “Argh. I look over and she’s standing in a puddle of pee with a purple crayon shoved up her nose.”
Friend: “If anyone ever asks you what it’s like to have a toddler, you just quote that line right there.”
A survey.
Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
yes
Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
in
Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
no
Do you like to use post-it notes?
yes
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
yes
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
bees
Do you have freckles?
yes
Do you always smile for pictures?
not always
What is your biggest pet peeve?
people drinking out of my glasses without permission
Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
i have a few times
Have you ever peed in the woods?
yes
What about pooped in the woods?
no
Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
yes
Do you chew your pens and pencils?
yes
How many people have you slept with this week?
none
What size is your bed?
queen
What is your Song of the week?
"Jumpin, Jumpin"
Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
yes
Do you still watch cartoons?
yes
Whats your least favorite movie?
Any Barbie movie
Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, you'd find it.
What do you drink with dinner?
juice, water
What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
honey
What is your favorite food?
cake
What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
the time traveler's wife
Last person you kissed/kissed you?
james
Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
no
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
about a month ago
Can you change the oil on a car?
no
Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no
Ran out of gas?
yes
Favorite kind of sandwich?
tomato
Best thing to eat for breakfast?
bacon
What is your usual bedtime?
2 am
Are you lazy?
yes
When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
an m&m
What is your Chinese astrological sign?
goat, i think. maybe sheep
How many languages can you speak?
2
Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no
Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos
Are you stubborn?
yes
Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
letterman
Ever watch soap operas?
yes
Afraid of heights?
yes
Sing in the car?
yes
Dance in the shower?
yes
Dance in the car?
yes
Ever used a gun?
no
Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
school pictures
Do you think musicals are cheesy?
sometimes
Is Christmas stressful?
yes
Ever eat a pierogi?
yes
Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
nurse, fireman
Do you believe in ghosts?
yes
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes
Take a vitamin daily?
no
Wear slippers?
no
Wear a bath robe?
no
What do you wear to bed?
PJ's
First concert?
great big sea
Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Wal-Mart
Nike or Adidas?
Nike
Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts
Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
Ever take dance lessons?
no
Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
archetect
Can you curl your tongue?
yes
Ever won a spelling bee?
never been in one
Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yes
Own any record albums?
no
Own a record player?
no
Regularly burn incense?
no
Ever been in love?
yes
Who would you like to see in concert?
Mariana's Trench
What was the last concert you saw?
can't remember
Hot tea or cold tea?
hot tea
Tea or coffee?
tea
Sugar or snickerdoodles?
sugar
Can you swim well?
yes
Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
no
Are you patient?
sometimes
DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ
Ever won a contest?
no
Ever have plastic surgery?
no
Which are better black or green olives?
black
Can you knit or crochet?
no
Best room for a fireplace?
living room
Do you want to get married?
yes
If married, how long have you been married?
never been
Who was your HS crush?
james
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i have before
Do you have kids?
yes
Do you want kids?
yes
Whats your favorite color?
blue
Do you miss anyone right now?
yes
Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
no
closed
Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
yes
Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
in
Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
no
Do you like to use post-it notes?
yes
Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
yes
Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
bees
Do you have freckles?
yes
Do you always smile for pictures?
not always
What is your biggest pet peeve?
people drinking out of my glasses without permission
Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
i have a few times
Have you ever peed in the woods?
yes
What about pooped in the woods?
no
Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
yes
Do you chew your pens and pencils?
yes
How many people have you slept with this week?
none
What size is your bed?
queen
What is your Song of the week?
"Jumpin, Jumpin"
Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
yes
Do you still watch cartoons?
yes
Whats your least favorite movie?
Any Barbie movie
Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
If I told you, you'd find it.
What do you drink with dinner?
juice, water
What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
honey
What is your favorite food?
cake
What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
the time traveler's wife
Last person you kissed/kissed you?
james
Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
no
Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
no
When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
about a month ago
Can you change the oil on a car?
no
Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
no
Ran out of gas?
yes
Favorite kind of sandwich?
tomato
Best thing to eat for breakfast?
bacon
What is your usual bedtime?
2 am
Are you lazy?
yes
When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
an m&m
What is your Chinese astrological sign?
goat, i think. maybe sheep
How many languages can you speak?
2
Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
no
Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos
Are you stubborn?
yes
Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
letterman
Ever watch soap operas?
yes
Afraid of heights?
yes
Sing in the car?
yes
Dance in the shower?
yes
Dance in the car?
yes
Ever used a gun?
no
Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
school pictures
Do you think musicals are cheesy?
sometimes
Is Christmas stressful?
yes
Ever eat a pierogi?
yes
Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple
Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
nurse, fireman
Do you believe in ghosts?
yes
Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
yes
Take a vitamin daily?
no
Wear slippers?
no
Wear a bath robe?
no
What do you wear to bed?
PJ's
First concert?
great big sea
Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Wal-Mart
Nike or Adidas?
Nike
Cheetos Or Fritos?
Cheetos
Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Peanuts
Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
no
Ever take dance lessons?
no
Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
archetect
Can you curl your tongue?
yes
Ever won a spelling bee?
never been in one
Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yes
Own any record albums?
no
Own a record player?
no
Regularly burn incense?
no
Ever been in love?
yes
Who would you like to see in concert?
Mariana's Trench
What was the last concert you saw?
can't remember
Hot tea or cold tea?
hot tea
Tea or coffee?
tea
Sugar or snickerdoodles?
sugar
Can you swim well?
yes
Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
no
Are you patient?
sometimes
DJ or band, at a wedding?
DJ
Ever won a contest?
no
Ever have plastic surgery?
no
Which are better black or green olives?
black
Can you knit or crochet?
no
Best room for a fireplace?
living room
Do you want to get married?
yes
If married, how long have you been married?
never been
Who was your HS crush?
james
Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i have before
Do you have kids?
yes
Do you want kids?
yes
Whats your favorite color?
blue
Do you miss anyone right now?
yes
Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
no
"Cute baby. Niiiice legs!"
"Melissa, boil water."
"Melissa, make me a tea."
"Melissa, put the kettle on, I want a coffee."
"Melissa, make me a tea, you always make it perfect."
"Melissa, why isn't the kettle boiled already? Didn't I ask you to make me a tea? Make your uncle a coffee too, while you're at it."
These are just some of the 'orders' I am asked to fulfill throughout the day, and most definitely in the early aftenoons, which is their morning, when they finally get up to start the day.
Am I upset over this? Not really. I just count it as trying to please them. My days are filled with orders and tasks done to please, on top of caring for my son, which is a whole 'nother job on it's own.
This afternoon, when my aunt decided to wake up finally, I was able to go to the mall with S to pick up his various essentials. My uncle, always too sick to play babysitter, again refused to watch him. After much pleading and trying to show how important it is that I pick up the essentials today, she decided that I could bring S along with me.
Naturally, she drove me to the mall and dropped me and S off. I got everything that I needed and I was finished within the hour. I waited another 2 hours for her text saying that she's back to pick me up. Never got a text until finally she called me. She asked if I was done, I said: "Since about 2 hours ago" and then she told me that she was on her way to pick me up.
Walking to Walmart to meet her, I was stopped by an old friend of mine, she checked out the baby, complimenting him on his 'cuteness' and how much hair he had, and then she turned to me and said simply: "You look smaller!"
I was naturally startled by the comment, and replied with: "Really?"
"Yeah, I mean, even before you got pregnant, you look good, Mel. Really."
I said: "Uh, thanks!" and we both went our separate way.
Needless to say, I got a random compliment from a stranger, once I got closer to Walmart, which sounded like: "Cute baby. Niiiice legs!" I smiled. I couldn't help it. I do have a cute baby.
Tonight, I've been spending most of my time typing away at this $19 keyboard I spoiled myself with, trying to get used to the keys. It's sleek, smooth and kinda looks like one of those fancy Mac keyboards, nothing at all like the 1998 version of keyboard that I have been using, which nearly broke on me - so I'm glad I spoiled myself. I'm getting better and better at typing with it. I'm not making as many mistakes as I was when I first started, nearly 3 hours ago.
Three hours.. I never know how long I've really been online until I look at the time, and think: "Wow, I spend a lot of time on the internet."
I got a text message from my friend Isabel about an hour ago, telling me that her boyfriend dumped her. Again. I'm always getting messages from her, always telling me that her newest boyfriend dumped her, because "he isn't interested in a relationship right now" or "he's just not right for her" or "I work all the time, it's not fair to you". I never know what to tell her. Thankfully this time, all I had to say was "I'm sorry. He's just stupid."
Then, she texted me with: "I'm sorry that I pushed our plans back because of him. Wanna hang out around 1-ish tomorrow afternoon?"
Of course I said yes. She has a reliable car, and I know without question that she'll want to hang out with S too. She enjoys him, and isn't like one of those friends that always make you feel bad that you have a child, and can't do what they want when they want to all the time.
I'm looking forward to it. It'll get me out of the house, she'll have her CD playing good music, she'll vent to me and all I'll have to do is smile and nod and say stuff occasionally like: "Let's go find cute guys at the mall!" She'll decline, of course, and I'll smile again. Because I know she knows I hate pointing out cute guys, and screaming "Dat ass!" out loud, while hiding behind a clothes rack.
... I'll do it without hiding behind the clothes rack. =P
Oh, post-pregnancy, you can really get a bolder sense of yourself. :)
- Melly
"Melissa, make me a tea."
"Melissa, put the kettle on, I want a coffee."
"Melissa, make me a tea, you always make it perfect."
"Melissa, why isn't the kettle boiled already? Didn't I ask you to make me a tea? Make your uncle a coffee too, while you're at it."
These are just some of the 'orders' I am asked to fulfill throughout the day, and most definitely in the early aftenoons, which is their morning, when they finally get up to start the day.
Am I upset over this? Not really. I just count it as trying to please them. My days are filled with orders and tasks done to please, on top of caring for my son, which is a whole 'nother job on it's own.
This afternoon, when my aunt decided to wake up finally, I was able to go to the mall with S to pick up his various essentials. My uncle, always too sick to play babysitter, again refused to watch him. After much pleading and trying to show how important it is that I pick up the essentials today, she decided that I could bring S along with me.
Naturally, she drove me to the mall and dropped me and S off. I got everything that I needed and I was finished within the hour. I waited another 2 hours for her text saying that she's back to pick me up. Never got a text until finally she called me. She asked if I was done, I said: "Since about 2 hours ago" and then she told me that she was on her way to pick me up.
Walking to Walmart to meet her, I was stopped by an old friend of mine, she checked out the baby, complimenting him on his 'cuteness' and how much hair he had, and then she turned to me and said simply: "You look smaller!"
I was naturally startled by the comment, and replied with: "Really?"
"Yeah, I mean, even before you got pregnant, you look good, Mel. Really."
I said: "Uh, thanks!" and we both went our separate way.
Needless to say, I got a random compliment from a stranger, once I got closer to Walmart, which sounded like: "Cute baby. Niiiice legs!" I smiled. I couldn't help it. I do have a cute baby.
Tonight, I've been spending most of my time typing away at this $19 keyboard I spoiled myself with, trying to get used to the keys. It's sleek, smooth and kinda looks like one of those fancy Mac keyboards, nothing at all like the 1998 version of keyboard that I have been using, which nearly broke on me - so I'm glad I spoiled myself. I'm getting better and better at typing with it. I'm not making as many mistakes as I was when I first started, nearly 3 hours ago.
Three hours.. I never know how long I've really been online until I look at the time, and think: "Wow, I spend a lot of time on the internet."
I got a text message from my friend Isabel about an hour ago, telling me that her boyfriend dumped her. Again. I'm always getting messages from her, always telling me that her newest boyfriend dumped her, because "he isn't interested in a relationship right now" or "he's just not right for her" or "I work all the time, it's not fair to you". I never know what to tell her. Thankfully this time, all I had to say was "I'm sorry. He's just stupid."
Then, she texted me with: "I'm sorry that I pushed our plans back because of him. Wanna hang out around 1-ish tomorrow afternoon?"
Of course I said yes. She has a reliable car, and I know without question that she'll want to hang out with S too. She enjoys him, and isn't like one of those friends that always make you feel bad that you have a child, and can't do what they want when they want to all the time.
I'm looking forward to it. It'll get me out of the house, she'll have her CD playing good music, she'll vent to me and all I'll have to do is smile and nod and say stuff occasionally like: "Let's go find cute guys at the mall!" She'll decline, of course, and I'll smile again. Because I know she knows I hate pointing out cute guys, and screaming "Dat ass!" out loud, while hiding behind a clothes rack.
... I'll do it without hiding behind the clothes rack. =P
Oh, post-pregnancy, you can really get a bolder sense of yourself. :)
- Melly
Sleeping Beast Before Beauty
The night before last:
As I'm sitting here, the clock barely ticking midnight, I'm staring at my novel collection of English literature. I realize that I don't want to read it. I don't want to read over again the well-read pages, it's spine beginning to give. I want to read a new book, a new adventure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today:
I should have gotten more sleep last night. My nights are never well-rested, getting up, unwillingly to soothe little S, change diapers and feed. It seems the more that S grows, the more he wants to eat, the more irritation he seems to feel about nothing in general and the more I feel irritated for him, for the sleep deprivation I receive. It's fine for him, if he doesn't sleep at night, he sure likes to take advantage and sleep during the day. No matter how many different times people tell me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', you think I can do that? No, I can't. he sleeps when I have to clean, or fetch something for someone, or clean, or... y'know, clean.
Yesterday, I got what I asked for, and I got several new adventures. My newest revelation sparked a whole new perspective on my sexual viewpoint, and I was all the better for it. I love discovering new things. After a talk with an old friend, and a new book, it's first part already read, I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, anxious for tomorrow to come so I could finish part two, which I actually had to research online.
Waking 3-4 times a night to be there for S has really taken a toll on how I view people. Basically, I'm no longer nice and sweet to those who have hurt me or test my limits. I've gotten to the point that I don't care who you are, if you're a bad person, with my lack of sleep and patience, I'm going to point it out to you. Although, to be honest, the only people that have gotten to see that side of me was my aunt and uncle. And, quite frankly, most of the time, they deserve it. Well, my uncle at least.
I don't really feel like writing much right now, as I've just woken up for the final time and have just finished feeding S. I have to get my sore, aching body from out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and look somewhat presentable, just on the off chance that I -might- be granted access to town so I can buy S & I more grub and other necessary essentials. My aunt told me that I might be permitted to go with her, depending on how my uncle feels physically, to be able to take care of S while I'm gone. I'd take him with me, but the car is 2 seconds from breakdown on the highway, and I wouldn't risk S or his safety for that.
I can already feel that if I get dressed and look presentable and ready to go shopping, that I'm not going to be able to go shopping, at all. My aunt is going to make some excuse that my uncle is too sore to get out of bed, and that S won't be properly cared for, and I should and have to stay home. To be honest, I find it completely ridiculous. And this happens over and over and I'm always expecting a different result. Stupid, stupid me.
The truth is, I can't actually wait another day to do this, because it would be like waiting another week, and S is almost out of formula. I've got a brand new box of diapers, yes, but they are the wrong size, he needs a size bigger. And I'm out of food. I am not paying $50 a night for a supper that I don't even eat $2 worth, just so my aunt can take all the money I have, and then ask for more. Considering I can make $50 worth of food last for 2 weeks, she's not getting a cent more. I already have to pay her $110 dollars for absolutely no fucking reason at all, considering she thinks I ate her food after I was released from the hospital with S, when actually, I was still eating my own food. But whatever, I don't need her banshee screaming all up in my face again, so I'll play along.
I guess I've procrastinated long enough. Time to shower and get disappointed once again.
As I'm sitting here, the clock barely ticking midnight, I'm staring at my novel collection of English literature. I realize that I don't want to read it. I don't want to read over again the well-read pages, it's spine beginning to give. I want to read a new book, a new adventure.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today:
I should have gotten more sleep last night. My nights are never well-rested, getting up, unwillingly to soothe little S, change diapers and feed. It seems the more that S grows, the more he wants to eat, the more irritation he seems to feel about nothing in general and the more I feel irritated for him, for the sleep deprivation I receive. It's fine for him, if he doesn't sleep at night, he sure likes to take advantage and sleep during the day. No matter how many different times people tell me to 'sleep when the baby sleeps', you think I can do that? No, I can't. he sleeps when I have to clean, or fetch something for someone, or clean, or... y'know, clean.
Yesterday, I got what I asked for, and I got several new adventures. My newest revelation sparked a whole new perspective on my sexual viewpoint, and I was all the better for it. I love discovering new things. After a talk with an old friend, and a new book, it's first part already read, I finally fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning, anxious for tomorrow to come so I could finish part two, which I actually had to research online.
Waking 3-4 times a night to be there for S has really taken a toll on how I view people. Basically, I'm no longer nice and sweet to those who have hurt me or test my limits. I've gotten to the point that I don't care who you are, if you're a bad person, with my lack of sleep and patience, I'm going to point it out to you. Although, to be honest, the only people that have gotten to see that side of me was my aunt and uncle. And, quite frankly, most of the time, they deserve it. Well, my uncle at least.
I don't really feel like writing much right now, as I've just woken up for the final time and have just finished feeding S. I have to get my sore, aching body from out of bed, take a shower, get dressed and look somewhat presentable, just on the off chance that I -might- be granted access to town so I can buy S & I more grub and other necessary essentials. My aunt told me that I might be permitted to go with her, depending on how my uncle feels physically, to be able to take care of S while I'm gone. I'd take him with me, but the car is 2 seconds from breakdown on the highway, and I wouldn't risk S or his safety for that.
I can already feel that if I get dressed and look presentable and ready to go shopping, that I'm not going to be able to go shopping, at all. My aunt is going to make some excuse that my uncle is too sore to get out of bed, and that S won't be properly cared for, and I should and have to stay home. To be honest, I find it completely ridiculous. And this happens over and over and I'm always expecting a different result. Stupid, stupid me.
The truth is, I can't actually wait another day to do this, because it would be like waiting another week, and S is almost out of formula. I've got a brand new box of diapers, yes, but they are the wrong size, he needs a size bigger. And I'm out of food. I am not paying $50 a night for a supper that I don't even eat $2 worth, just so my aunt can take all the money I have, and then ask for more. Considering I can make $50 worth of food last for 2 weeks, she's not getting a cent more. I already have to pay her $110 dollars for absolutely no fucking reason at all, considering she thinks I ate her food after I was released from the hospital with S, when actually, I was still eating my own food. But whatever, I don't need her banshee screaming all up in my face again, so I'll play along.
I guess I've procrastinated long enough. Time to shower and get disappointed once again.
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