Ooooh. Questions!

Do you plan on falling in love in 2010?
You can't plan love, fool.

Without stating the name, say something to someone you hate:

I wish you were the person you were before. Back when you told me you loved me.

Britney Spears, Yes or No?
No.
Do you like your life?
Yes.

Do you trust people easily?
Not at all.

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?
Sunny.

Does it bother you when your friends bring up your past mistakes?
Yes.

Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?
Yes.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
Right now.

Is there a person who knows everything or almost everything about you?
yeah.

Do you plan on moving out within the next year or two?
yes

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
A long time ago.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching The Lake House and NCIS

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yeah.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Yes.

How many pills do you take a day?
None.

Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
always

Favorite place to be?
beach or a cold basement with musical instruments:D

Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Yes.

What was your first thought this morning?:
I need coffee. Now.

Have you ever broken a window on purpose?:
Yes.

In one word, how do you feel right now?
Headache.

Are you excited for 2011?
yeah

What do you want for your next birthday?:
To be loved, happy and be around my favorite people.

Where did you get the shirt you 're wearing?:
Garage.

Plans for tonight?
Hanging out with Katelyn. Still waiting for her dad to come so I can give him his money.

Where is your cellphone?
beside me so mom can call me if she needs me

How do you look right now?
Like I just woke up.

Which one of your teachers do you hold a grudge against?
Bill.

Whose voice do you currently hear?:
Katelyn's and Justin's. They're talking.

Yesterday's post. June 14th.

Dear followers,

By the time you read this, it would have been days or maybe even weeks since I've typed it up.
I still can't believe I have followers – it's something I would have never thought, or imagined I would have had.
I'm sitting in my mother's living room, which you find as soon as you enter her house. It's strange. It's late, I put a movie in for mom to watch, The Lake House. I've had to restart it a few times. It's somewhat of a complicated movie, and if you don't sit down and watch it and don't miss a single moment it's hard to follow.
I finally got more time on my phone. Now I can receive calls and not worry about it costing me minutes. People can call me and I don't have to worry about any of it. Thing is, I haven't had this plan in a while, and I don't think anyone is going to call me. Kind of depressing, one might think.

Now that I have a little bit of money, I'd like to go to the bookstore and buy a couple of books to read. I have some Jane Austen's, but I wouldn't mind some different books by different authors. I'd like to buy “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” by Stephen Chibosky, I believe the name of the author is. I don't know what it's about, but it caught my eye and my curiosity makes me want to buy it. Maybe it's my gut telling me it will be a good book.

I have always been a reader. But it's been years since I grabbed a book and just read for no apparent reason. Now, I just want to read, and read, and read. Even my little sister has begun to read a lot. I'm glad for that. It's even helped her at school, in English and the sorts. I think tonight I'm going to either read Northanger Abbey, or one of the french books that my mother has. Tomorrow, I want to go to Walmart and pick up some shirts and stuff. I need more shirts. I've been borrowing my mother's bigger clothing and I'm running out of clothes.


Should I trust my printer's ink to express the things I think?

Mother's sleeping again. It's later than before; naturally. I'm on facebook on my phone and nothing is really happening. I mean, nothing big really happens after 2 am, usually so it's not that much of a surprise. I've put on NCIS Season 3 on. I'm only on the first disk, but since I'm listening to music and I have my back to the TV, I'm not really paying attention to it. I guess it's basically background noise, and I know that having the TV on helps mom sleep, so that's basically the only sufficient logical explanation for that.

Tomorrow is the day I walk to the optical store and get glasses. Actually, I am going to schedule an appointment, that hopefully happens in the next week or so, and pick out glasses. And then I have to wait another little while so they get delivered to me and so on. I know I'm going to need glasses before I leave for my trip anyway.

I'm also going to wait for my next check to leave for Calgary. I'll have a little more money than 555.75. Memere also wants my stuff out of there anyway, so it's going to be easier to leave. Somehow I'm going to have to pack only the bare minimum, and I'm a terrible packer. By that, I mean that I always over pack. There's always so much I want to take with me, but I know I can't just.. take everything.

Joel told me I should take as much time as I need before I leave. I think he understands just how hard it is to just leave like this. Sure, I would love to travel all the way there, but I don't want to get there and then have something terrible happen to my mother. I also don't want to be here when something terrible happens. I know she's terrified of dying. As I am terrified to see her die. It's not something I'm ready for.

Yes, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all...

But sometimes, it's so much easier to not feel a single thing. To be completely numb. Comfortably numb.

Okay, I'm going to stop typing before this shit gets too depressing. Nobody likes a depressing post!

-Southpaw Gypsy

Thank God It's Monday...?

Another day, another post for me!

Almost exactly a month ago, I had the craziest idea to message my father on Facebook to tell him that I was planning a trip in the beginning of July to see him, and that I would require his address and a phone number.

I wasn't really planning on visiting him, I mainly just wanted to see his reaction to me asking so forwardly for his information.

But now I want to travel 1700 miles just to see what kind of life he has been living for well over 10 years. It might just be my curiosity kicking in, or the fact that I absolutely love to travel and discover the places I've never been.

I have the craziest idea to pack up a suitcase, buy a bus ticket and just go.

What would be the harm of doing this?

1. My mother: We don't know how long she has and it's difficult to measure it considering that for a woman that was supposed to die one year after she was diagnosed, she's still going strong after almost 10. She told me I should wait until after the cancer to travel. What if that's another 5 years? (Highly doubtful; but I consider the possibility.)

2. My friends: I'm finally getting friends that I know I can trust, and ones that I will actually miss if I do decide to leave for a while. (Sarah will freak out *here*)

3. My general family: How disappointed in me would they be if I decided to become something and discover exactly what I am capable of. (My family basically wants me to become something in a city that just simply is too welfare - because all my family is here, and wouldn't it be so disgraceful to be leaving at such a difficult time..)

Blah.

I'm still at Sarah's; this post wouldn't be possible without her. She's the source of the internet upon which I am using and the source of the pee-in-your-pants entertainment. Since last night, we have been laughing at everything that sounds even the least bit amusing. Our latest is:

Sarah: "I can't even see!" Melissa: "I know, my eyes are glazed like jelly donuts or somethin'."

3 hours later..

....

So...

Umm..

Yeah.

Why can I post an entry in this blog today? Too many distractions. Plus, it doesn't help with the added distraction of my current obsession: http://www.girlswithslingshots.com. 

"As long as I can do the dishes today, that's my biggest concern." - Sarah

It's been almost like, 3 hours since I started this post. My biggest concern is finishing this damn thing.

 ...I guess stopping this entry here would be best.
Otherwise, I'll never get to click on the "publish post" button. 

Mellie.

 

Insiders.

"That's what she said...." " I didn't say anything!"
"OUWAH OUWAH OUWAH!"

"It's like you do the walk and fart.. but you laughed and farted."

"I have to crap this picture."

"I haven't laughed like that in a long time"... "I haven't laughed like that in 15 minutes!"

"I still haven't seen my face" "I have two of them!"

"Damn my booobs are huge!"

"You're on crack." "You're my inspiraaaaaaaraaaaationnnnnnnN!"

"I'm sweatin' more than Dolly Parton's boobs meltin' in the rain."

Yes... more blogging!

So, if you didn't already know, I've been staying at my mother's for a while now, to help take care of her, since my little sister has not bothered to lately - and has since been enjoying herself and going out and partying and god knows what with her friends. My grandmother, the 1937 stuck-in-the-past woman that I have written about in posts earlier, had called me several days ago to tell me that the superintendent was furious with me. Confused, I asked her what I might have done. She said that he said that I have left several carts in the hallway and that I blocked the garbage chute with a bag of garbage. What I don't seem to understand is how I could have a twin somehow living at my grandmother's and personally causing this damage, considering these things happened while at my mother's. I cannot be at two places at once. So far, to my knowledge, cloning has happened only with sheep.

She said that, upon giving me his cell phone number, which I had pretended to write down, if I don't call him and apologize, that I would find myself kicked out of her apartment. Firstly, there is no way I am apologizing for a crime that I haven't committed. I refuse to. Completely.

So, the old woman kicked me out. I am staying at my mother's, which she, my mother, has no problem with, and in fact thought that I was going to do so anyway. The only one that most likely has a problem with this is my sister, and considering that they already have enough trouble getting by, it's not logical to simply invite another mouth to feed.

My mother wishes that I would get a job, so that I could save up enough money to get a place of my own. However, I have looked for employment and North Bay does not have any jobs available. And if they are available, they are usually presented to family and friends of the business first, and then if there are still spots, they give it to the most qualified applicant. I am not qualified in anything, this is the issue. I'm inexperienced in basically anything, and even though I am more than ready to accept and follow through with any training, still no luck. Had I been looking for a job when I was 15, maybe I would have a better selection to choose from, and had had the experience I would have needed after 4 years.

"You're still writing?" Sarah asked me while she was browsing through more blogs and stumbling upon things on Stumble Upon. Yes, I write a lot when I feel inspired about something. You inspired me to update more, on the same day by telling me to write about how my grandmother kicked me out. Now, I'm writing about all kinds of things, which I don't really mind writing about because at least it's writing about something. Okay, now I'm just rambling.

I am quite happy that I am staying another night at Sarah's. Although she does have the privilege of the internet, she's great company and makes me laugh constantly. She's a great friend, and I'm lucky to PMS with her. Haha.

A good link.

I recently stumbled upon a picture that I have stumbled upon quite often throughout the years and I thought I might as well post it, just cause I feel that more people should see this picture.

Michael; throughout 16 months.. (:

Michael!

Sarah asked me why I didn't have a photo of Mikey on my blog. I just didn't know if she wanted me to post pictures of her child.. lol. So this is Mikey, the most adorable handsome, sweetie that I've ever met. 

LOVE YOU MIKEY (:

Some pictures.

This is Zola. Meagan's daughter. I believe she is 6 months, Meagan gave me another photo to update.

This is Carissa Rose. Angie's baby girl. She is also 6 months. I babysit her sometimes. She loves to laugh and be held.

This is a photo of Memere and Carissa Rose. It took me so long to get her to look at the camera on my phone. She started fussing soon after this was taken.

I had a photo opportunity while feeding Carissa. I think this is the cutest photo I have so far.

This was taken during the last trip to the mall with my friend Katelyn(left) and I(right). She found these funky glasses in a basket at San Diego. It was near the silicone stress boobs. xD

Photo of Katelyn with the glasses. The boobs are in the background. lol

Photo I took of the sunset across from No Frills on Lakeshore in North Bay. I thought it was pretty.

Hopefully a happier post.

Excuse my earlier post from earlier this morning. I guess I was getting a little depressed and bitchy and had to get it out somehow.
I guess that's why I have this blog, which is turning out more to be a journal than anything else.
I'm sitting on Sarah's bed with her and she noticed I was updating my blogger. I now have another follower. That's a count for a grand total of two followers. I feel special.
Hey, at least after all these years I have a couple friends on Blogger. YAY.

*does happy dance*

I don't know. I feel happy. More like, I feel at home. Comfortable.
It's been a while since I have felt safe.

I'm also wearing blue jeans and bare feet. I bet they smell just dandy too. Looking at them, I've realized that I need a pedicure of some sorts. Or at least some toe polish. Or nail polish remover. Something. The nail polish is wearing off and it looks like I bite my toe nails. Well, bite the toe polish off.

Anyway..

I am staying at Sarah's another night. I hope my mother is alright with this.. I don't know her current conditions and I'm praying that her spirit is good, along with her day. I also hope that my younger sister, Tasha, came home from doing her laundry last night, in hopes that she could take care of her while I'm away.
I kind of needed a vacation from the stress anyway.

Her son is running around all over the place and back and forth, just a giggling away. He's so cute!

I know it's a too late for a new year's resolution but now that people can see what I'm writing, I really would like to have more positive posts. I know I have treated this blog as a journal more or less over the period of time that I've had it, but I really, truly believe that if people are going to receive my updates, I'd rather they receive more positive ones than whatever emo crap that comes out of my butt.

I'm sitting on the bed, and because I don't have a mouse pad for my mouse, and my mouse thing from my laptop doesn't work, the cursor is moving all over the place because the bed is moving. I find this a little amusing. Forgive me. I'm a little easily amused.

I've written a lot today, and I'm not quite sure why. My father sent me his address over facebook, and I really want to go see him - but with mom and her does-whatever-it-wants cancer is holding me down.
I do not blame my mother for having cancer, I blame the cancer for taking over my mother and preventing me from travelling and doing the things I love most.

I don't have many friends in my hometown. Born in Montreal, I left 3 weeks after to be raised in good old North Bay, population completely wrong on the welcome sign.
I've been here since then, and my last birthday was on April 21st, I am 19.

It's been since 2001, my mother has had Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma - with both branches of Mycosis Fungoides and Sezary Syndrome. According to doctors, she's the longest survivor of this particular cancer, and for that I am proud. Almost 10 years.

I want to travel so badly, but I fear if I leave this town, she will die and I will never forgive myself for not being there when I should have been. I told her a few weeks ago that I desperately wanted to speak to my father in person, and I plan on traveling those 1700 miles to do so. Her answer? "Wait until the cancer is gone."

She won't say, "Wait until I've passed away" even though she knows that her type of cancer won't just simply disappear. She's got blood cancer, in the most simpliest of explanations and it does not go away until you do.

Okay, I think that's all the typing I will do today. Mikey dumped his toy microphone in my coffee and it stopped saying: "Sing with me!" but the lights still seem to be functioning. I'm turning on my phone and I'm going to upload some pictures that have been sent to my phone, or that have been taken. Not sure whether or not I'm going to write anything more than what they contain. We will see.

Now, on to some picture posting!


-Melly.

...Fuck.

I know I haven't written here in a while, and with good reason. I don't have the internet. Simple enough. However, I did say I would post all the entries I have written on the computer. I bought a journal that I could write with while I didn't have my laptop handy, or when my mother, grandmother or anyone else I was around could see that I wasn't on it all the damn time. I've been trying to write in it as much as I can, but sometimes I let days, mostly weeks go by without writing a single thing inside. Most of the time I'm simply just not in the mood to write. I've been so depressed lately that I've given up on the things I enjoy most - including writing. I hardly read anymore. Most of the time if I do read it's books that are as depressing as my state of mind. I always told people that nothing was wrong, that I was perfectly fine and that I could handle anything. Most of the people that I've met recently think I'm super woman or something. That the things that have happened to me seem to not affect me in the slightest. I'm just this happy-go-lucky smiling person and that nothing will ever hurt me. Truth is, it's getting harder and harder to hold up this lie. I'm hurting so bad inside that it's deeply showing on the outside. I've stopped eating on my own now - Mom has to force me to put something in my mouth. I think of nothing but drowning myself in alcohol.. maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here. I know I have a follower and I know he might be reading this.
I don't want him to know that I'm crumbling into pieces and that I don't know who to ask because I don't know who to trust anymore. You can't trust anyone. I've had therapists that have told my mother everything. I can't run from the past, I know this. But I don't want my past to affect my future - to do exactly what it's doing - crumbling me up into a billion pieces that could possibly kill me, or have me killed. Either or, whatever is the easiest I suppose.


Damn. I forgot that those entries were on my flash drive. I guess I'll have to wait until the next time..