Hospitals, Grandmothers & Crap, oh my.

Morning, readers.

If you're wondering why I haven't been updating the blog in exactly a week now, I might as well tell you I have a good reason for it.

S was sent to the hospital last Sunday for some tests. At first, I was told that we would only be there for a couple of days, just for observation because they were concerned like I was on why he wasn't gaining any weight.

...I was there until Friday.

Needless to say, I was quite frustrated, given the fact that I didn't bring anything more than what I would need for about two days, like they had said I would be in there for.

But it was good, aside from the fact that they only tested him one day.

I thought these tests were going to happen throughout the week, but they hadn't.

S was released from hospital on Friday because he showed signs of gaining weight just like they want him to - thanks to extra calories in his milk. Even though we still have to go to CHEO, I'm glad that we didn't have to stay in the hospital any longer waiting on test results that could take up to 4-6 weeks to arrive.

On Friday afternoon, I had called my grandmother to come and pick us up from the hospital so we could go home. But first, she dragged us to the mall. Complaining about how sore and tired she was all through the mall, on top of telling me just how fat she thinks I am and how I should wear loose clothing to mask it over and over again... I had had enough.

I told her RIGHT THERE, in the dressing room, exactly what I thought of her words. I told her that putting me in baggy clothing will only make me look bigger and that I was comfortable with how I looked, and if she didn't like it, we could stop 'shopping' alltogether, and she could drive me home without another word said.

Needless to say, she looked completely frazzled. She looked completely flabergasted that I could even have stood up for myself like that. She's used to me succumbing to everyone's little charade of manipulation and I think I might have shown her that I'm not to be played with like someone's little pawn anymore. I'm my own person, I'm someone's mother and I will not be manipulated in any sort of way - not anymore. Although it might have gotten some nasty looks from some people, I was totally proud of myself. And I didn't care what anyone thought.

The worst part is that she tried to win my love back by buying me things. I hate when she does that. But, I couldn't really argue on the stuff she was buying me - I was almost out of money and I still need to buy a little bit more for S.

Plus, I really needed a new pair of shoes.

I came home around 8 and really didn't do any housework at all. I was exhausted with frustration at my grandmother and exhausted from being at the hospital all week. S fell asleep early, and so did I.

Yesterday, I decided that I needed to do some laundry and clean up the mess that I had made in my bedroom packing last Sunday.

Last night was a rough night. Seb wouldn't stop screaming. Every time I put him down to clean or go to the bathroom, he would scream. As soon as I picked him up, he'd stop crying. During the night, he woke up every single hour until 4 AM, then went 3 hours without stirring. So finally, I could have some sleep at least, until 7:30 AM. After his feeding, he went right back down to sleep and I decided that I was just going to get up and start the day already. There's no sense going back to bed when I know he's going to get up in another hour again. Might as well get some dishes done that I didn't do last night and possibly re-organize the bedroom a little more than the half-fast job I did last night.

- Melly

Mom's burial day

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane
Put these padded edges in my brain
Connect and reconnect them two by two
Make it easier for when I'm missing you


It's late. 
By late, I probably mean really early in the morning, but the sun hasn't risen so I guess it's still classified as night, and therefore late. 
I wanted to write about today, which happened to be the day Mom was buried. 

The day started off at 10:30 AM, when both me and S were picked up by my aunt to drive to the camp with my sister to dump ashes there. We decided that placing ashes by the beach that she cleared up and cleaned was appropriate, and her fire pit - because everyone knows Mom loved her fires. 

After that, we drove to Bonfield - to the cemetary where my grandfather and my uncle are buried. We get there, followed by my grandmother and my uncle, only to realize that they've dug at the wrong spot. The pastor did everything he could to fix the issue, and told us that it would be fixed today. We all decided it would be best to go and grab some lunch while we wait. We decided to go to Greco's on Algonquin. Deluxe pizza and quesadillas to share. TF got to feed the baby, and hold him and spend as much time as she possibly could with him. I'm really glad. She seems to really enjoy him and that makes me happy. She says S looks a lot like my father. I guess my genes really dominated his facial features. =P 

Anyway, after lunch we get a call saying that the plot is ready now, so we go back on the road and back to the cemetary. Did I mention that the pastor kept apologizing profusely, saying that this type of mix-up has never happened before... but I just thought that it was perfect. It just reminded me that there was never a dull moment with Mom and that everyday never really went as planned, but it was always better that way. Who wants a perfectly predictable life anyway? 

So, we get there once more, T lowers her box into the ground, we all stand there and then throw some dirt. Then, there's some goodbyes, and we all pack into the car and drive back into town and then drop me off. That's about it. 

That is the short and sweet version about what happened today. Tomorrow TF wants me and S and T to go back to the cemetery to fix up the tree that's seemingly diseased and not quite as alive as it was before. I didn't really see anything wrong with it, to be honest. But, she said that she'd rather go to Laporte's then go back to the plot and dig out the tree, and I believe replace it with another one. I don't mind - gets me out of the house and away from unnecessary drama. 

After fixing the tree, she suggested we go to Dairy Queen, to celebrate our efforts. Then, I must go home again to pack and prepare to go and spend a couple of days at the hospital so S can be monitored. 

Not sure if this was mentioned, but he's not gaining much weight. He's never lost any weight, just not gaining as much as they would like him to gain. So, they are going to monitor his food consumption, his pees and poos, etc. They also want to do a chromosomal blood test. And, a heart, kidney and digestive tract ultrasound just to see if there's anything wrong all in there. 

 

Why is the patio table so damn high?

Hello again.
I think the whole 'put Blogger as your homepage' really helped me out. I completely forgot about the blog again, and then opening my little foxy icon it pops up, and I'm like: "Oh yeah! My blog."

I've just woken up for the day. 1:30 PM currently, although the time will change as I continue the post, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and just having finished feeding S. 

I've started reading books to him. I like that after a half-chapter, he's already falling asleep. I think that the sound of me clicking the keyboard is soothing too, because ...nevermind, he's squirming and awake.. maybe I should go make him more formula... 


Okay, now where was I? 

S is gone for his afternoon nap, and I'm taking advantage of being outside while the breeze is nice enough that the temperature doesn't feel like you're dying. The sun is barely out so it's cloudy, and even so, I'm under the umbrella. 

My aunt is yet again gone for the day. My uncle is sleeping, like usual. I think I like having this time to relax. It makes me feel better. 

I had a rough sleep. Yet again not going to bed until 4:30 AM, despite the fact that I was awake at 6 AM yesterday. I have no idea what my energy is going to be like tonight or if I'm going to have a good night's sleep. I'm starting to understand that everyday changes and this routine I thought I had is so null and void. I'm trying to keep a schedule, really trying. S has a schedule/routine now, but I'm scrambling to complete housework and my daily duties. Seems like there's never enough time in the day to do anything. Except today. I've already done all my duties/housework, and I've only been awake for 3 hours. 

Early in the morning this morning, I think I told my uncle to F off. I don't know if I dreamed it or if it actually happened. But I remember him hovering over S's crib, and then when I looked again, he wasn't there. I'll have to ask him if that actually happened, and if it did, I'll have to apologize because I don't want him to think that I'm a terrible person in the morning. 

Speaking of mornings, sometimes I like them and sometimes I don't. It all depends on what my sleep that night was like. Because I didn't fall asleep until 4:30 AM and he must have been in there around 7:30 AM, I understand my foul mood. But I keep thinking is what if S was awake and walking towards my bed and he was trying to get my attention and I told him to F off. Just thinking about it kills me. 

I remember feeling that once I said it, I regretted it. I felt like absolute shit. I'm never in a foul mood when S wakes me up in the middle of the night, and no one is up to hear about it. But as soon as Uncle D comes in my room just to check up on S, I tell him to F off? Gah - if he remembers me telling him that, I'm sure I'm in for one hell of a lecture. Here's hoping his memory fails him today. No - I have to bring it up. It's only fair that I apologize to him for being an absolute idiot while I'm sure I was still asleep, because it sure didn't feel like I was awake and aware of what was coming out of my mouth. 

I hate that. I hate that I talk in my sleep. And more so, I hate that I'm saying profanities in my sleep. What kind of mother does that make me? What kind of person does that make me? 

I wish that this chair didn't recline so much. For a metal/steel/some kind of hard material chair, you'd think that it wasn't so reclined. I want to be able to type, and the table goes up to my chest, and the chair's all reclined, makes for a very uncomfortable position. I feel like I'm a short person trying to sit at a kitchen table. It's a really high table. It's like I live with a bunch of giants - but my aunt is like 3 cm's shorter than I am, and my uncle is slightly taller, but not by much. Why is the patio table so damn high?

 

July 18, 2012

I've been awake since 6 AM. I haven't been awake at that time and felt well-rested in a long time. S is still sleeping away the morning like him and I usually do, which has been the normality for a long time until last night I finally decided to go to bed at a decent hour. S usually lays down for bed between 10:30-11, and I was sleeping by 12 AM. It's been a while since I had six hours of uninterrupted sleep. I have to say that I'm glad I went to bed early. I think I'll keep this a habit. It will benefit both me and S. I'll be able to be awake and in a better mood, and a better mother for him. 


Looks like the rest of the house is slowly waking up. My aunt and uncle usually sleep well into the afternoon, so most of the mornings I take advantage of sleeping in with S too. However, unlike most mornings, I'm awake and calm and feeling a little better emotionally than I have in a while. 


Don't get me wrong. I'm usually a pretty optimistic person - but over the last couple of months my life has been drastically changing, and I'll admit, for the better. I had the chance that many are denied in life - birthing a child. Although it wasn't naturally, which I'm somewhat glad for, I still am able to produce a child. It may not have been in the right circumstances, but life sometimes takes interesting turns and S has changed my life for the better. 


S is a remarkable human being. Still so small, he's already taught me so many things. Seeing the world through his eyes I understand what it's like to be full of life. He's a strong, timid yet curious and stubborn little fellow, and I love him. I can honestly say that I didn't know what unconditional love was until he came around. 


Every day is a new day full of love and possibilities. I'm enjoying reading to him at night and in the early mornings, and showing him new things. I'm also enjoying the moments when he shows me just how much he's already learned. And let me tell you, he's already learned so much. 


In the last couple of days, he's learned to track people. Basically, when someone talks, or moves or something falls, he follows the movement & conversation with his eyes. He wiggles and kicks and punches the air a lot. He's discovered his hands, and likes to self-soothe and eat his fists. Although, he hasn't quite grasped just yet that he can't stuff his entire fist in his mouth - which, as a mother, I'm thankful. 


He likes to shuffle his entire body towards things - but only if he desperately wants them. I was in a mommy and me class, and he wiggled towards a stuffed sheep so hard and eagerly, just to stuff the little mini stuffed sheep in his mouth like Kirby. 


It was the cutest thing in the world! I'm very lucky to have a child like S. He's a happy baby; an easy baby like most people say. He doesn't cry all day, everyday. He fusses for maybe a half hour every once in a while during the day and he's started to sleep his nights. For a small baby, he has a big appetite. During the day, he cries to tell me he's hungry approximately every three hours, and during feedings, he usually takes in between 4-6 oz. And that's a lot for an almost two month old! Can you believe he's going to be two months on July 25? I can't. Now I understand when mothers say: "It feels like just yesterday I gave birth to you.."


S is the center of my world, as he should be. I'm learning to leave the little negativities in my head tucked away where their voices cannot be heard, and really enjoy the little things in life that make life so damn complete. I know - my life is not complete, according to social standards. I'm not married, I don't have a boyfriend or a house of my own. Most people would consider myself being pretty stupid for having a son so early, and not being in the perfect cookie-cutter picture perfect family setting. But who cares? I'm living my life the way I'm meant to live it and for the time being, I'm happy doing so. 


Okay - so I'm not really enjoying living with my aunt and uncle. And life gets chaotic all living under the same roof. Especially when my aunt's son comes over (he always brings at least one friend with him). The dishes never seem to be clean, the house becomes a huge mess and both me and my aunt aren't happy when the house is dirty. It leaves both of us stressed and makes us feel like no matter how much we do something, it still looks like we haven't even put in the effort. I guess that's just another part of being a mother & housewife. 


To be honest, the house is quiet except for my son's little peeps I hear in the baby monitor, and the TV upstairs and my snoring uncle. Both of them have gone back to sleep and I feel okay with knowing that the house is as peaceful as it's going to get. 


I'm sitting in the kitchen, typing away. I'm noticing just how much the kitchen really needs to be cleaned. I feel awful not cleaning it, but I have to wait until at least 11 until I can actually make some noise and clean it. At least then it looks like I started something (noisy or not noisy) at a decent hour. Honestly, I wanted to clean the kitchen and vacuum at 6 AM this morning when I woke up. I was that well-rested. But, I don't think the other members of the house would really appreciate it.. and plus - the vacuum is completely broken. With two dogs, one of which I'm fairly certain I'm allergic to, having a broken vacuum simply cannot do. It's been two weeks since it broke and I'm not a happy camper. 


I'm typing a lot more than I usually have. I guess it's because I'm finally not distracted by anything. Sure, my ideas and opinions have been jumping from what seems to be thin air, but I don't have someone talking in the background or yelling, or someone to tell me to go get this and go get that. I don't have any of that. I have the birds singing from the open window and the soft hum of the baby monitor and every once in a while, emitting from such monitor, S is farting and snoring. What a guy. 


I have to say, lately I have been drinking a lot of Chai Tea. No idea why. Maybe because I like having the taste of sweet spices (I put two sugars in, bad girl). Maybe because I'm just not in the mood for coffee. Or regular tea. Or Earl Grey. I really don't know. 


S is starting to wake up. I hear his rising in volume grunts. I must make him a bottle soon - I suppose he's hungry. After all, it has been about 3 hours since he last finished his early morning bottle. 


I suppose this is enough for now. I think it's time to get back to reality. I'll write more soon. I know I promise a lot to keep writing religiously, but most of the time I forget I even have this blog. Maybe I should just make Blogger my homepage. That way, I'll see it every time I log on and it will possibly coax me into writing more. 


Until then, 


Southpaw Gypsy

So.

I haven't posted in a while and I know I'm supposed to give you this lame ass excuse about why I haven't posted. But, I won't. I'll just fill you in on a few things.

1. I have a boyfriend (Shocking, isn't it?)
2. I love my boyfriend :)

Also, one of my good friends is now going out with my ex-boyfriend. I should be saying congrats (which I said TO her directly), but something doesn't feel right - especially since she said she wasn't going to go out with him. It upsets me because I care about her a lot and I don't want to see her hurt by him, like so many others, including myself. On the other hand, I feel like one of these days I'm going to have to say I told you so. I don't want to have to do that, but I gave her full warning.

Also, another one of my best friend's got into a relationship. :) YAY!

Hey invisible readers,

I'm fairly certain that no one in this world possibly reads my blog. This is somewhat comforting because it lets me know that no one actually gives a flying fart what I write about. I'm completely anonymous.. or the world is simply oblivious to me. There is some comfort in being invisible, you know. There is some comfort in knowing that the world has no idea who you are, who you have been and who you are going to be. At least not just yet. Not until you are visible, and everyone is aware of your thoughts, your ideas, and you in general.

It's cold today. I spent the last couple of days busting my ass cleaning my room and the kitchen and any other possible living space, not only because I had no other clothes left, no dishes to use and everything seemed way too chaotic for my health, but simply because it had to be done. I needed to do 6 giant loads of laundry with a dryer that sucks so much you have to do almost 3 cycles before it dries your clothes (and even now I'm still not done - there's still a bunch of blankets and my pillows and pillowcases to do). I needed to spend hours upon hours upon hours washing dishes that were nothing short of fucking disgusting. I needed to get rid of the pages upon pages of notes that I had written myself. I need to do this, I need to do that, I need, I need, I need.

What I really need.. is a job.

I quit my most recent job because:

1. I always paid them. Training fees and business conventions and whatnot.

2. I never got a cent back. I figured logically that when you have a job, you're supposed to get paid. I didn't get paid. I didn't even have a penny thrown at me.

3. The job was always talking about having a good quality of life, being able to have time and money. Being able to spend time and money and not have to worry about anything. The reality of the job is that you didn't have any time. You also didn't get any money either.

I'm finding myself in a situation where, if I have a job, and it's consuming my entire life and I'm not getting paid for it... I no longer want that job. I want something that makes me work at a steady pace and I get a steady paycheck at the end of the day. Simple as that.

Plus: I need to find that job before I leave in April. I'm taking a random, sketchy trip out to some place I'm not even sure I want to be. I have to somehow make enough money to keep paying my rent here, pay my way there, and food and whatever else, and then possibly have to pay my way back. Woo.

It's been a while since I posted yet again.
I went through an entire pregnancy without posting a single thing. How sad is this?
I now have a handsome little baby boy, who was born on May 25th.

I'll post more when I get the chance.