Morning.
If you are reading this... thanks.
I was told to stay off my feet. I'm not listening to them. Either I'm stubborn or stupid, or something. Maybe both. They still hurt. And so does my head.
I am having trouble sleeping once again. Bit by bit, my "friends" are signing off of IMs, and I feel lonely. Lonely because I'm alone. In a dark room, with no one to talk to.
I hate these moods. The ones where I feel like I need someone around to feel okay.
The ones where I can't be the independent, on-her-own girl.
Suddenly, I need someone around, to have and to hold. (Pardon the wedding saying)
But in all seriousness, I don't like this mood. And I might need a hug :(
...
I have been looking for an apartment or a room to rent for cheap, because I'm tired of living off my mother.. and quite frankly, I'm tired of my sister complaining every damn day about god knows what.. oh the joys of teenage hormones..
I sent the girl an email to set up a meeting for wednesday somewhere around 4. Here's hoping she sends me the address, and I'm not stuck guessing which house it is on the pretty long street. I haven't even seen the room yet. I'm really excited to see it though, and I'm hoping that they take a liking to me, and I can take the room. It's absolutely perfect for me. Well.. according to the pictures anyway. She said she needed someone ASAP, and I think I'm that person.
Oh crap. I was supposed to buy milk after I came back from Sarah's.. except I ended up staying over, and I still have the money for the milk.. I have to pick some up before I get back to my mom's.. I hope she's not pissed off at me, that would suck. Tremendously. Or, however you spell it.
My schedule is absolutely packed for this week.
Monday(Today): Hanging out with Sarah.
Tuesday: Mall, getting milk & Vampires Suck with Katelyn
Wednesday: @ 4 pm - Room viewing? Maybe? If she gets back to my e-mail..
Thursday: Katelyn's ultrasound @ 1:30
Friday: Undecided.
I don't know what I'm doing Friday. Most likely, going to visit Sarah again. We hang out a lot.
If you could only see the way I love you, maybe you'd understand.
If you could only see how blue, my eyes get when I say I love you.
You say you know, but you don't.
"The most difficult thing in life, is to know yourself."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I am broken.
The title of this post is true. I am broken.
All of my body physically is breaking, little by little.
And I can't help but think... mentally, am I breaking too?
I went to the hospital today to visit my uncle. He noticed my increasing limp.
After wheeling him back up and about to leave, he asked me to go get it checked, or at least go see first aid. I told him I would.
What did I do? Walked back home.
I guess I'm too stubborn to see a doctor. Or stupid. I don't care which one.
All of my body physically is breaking, little by little.
And I can't help but think... mentally, am I breaking too?
I went to the hospital today to visit my uncle. He noticed my increasing limp.
After wheeling him back up and about to leave, he asked me to go get it checked, or at least go see first aid. I told him I would.
What did I do? Walked back home.
I guess I'm too stubborn to see a doctor. Or stupid. I don't care which one.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I will let you down; I will make you hurt.
Last night, I slept without dreaming. Not a single dream. I don't know if that's better than the nights in which I dream.
Beyond my headphones, and my loud music, I can hear my sister and my mother fight. I'm just glad that I'm not in the room, hearing the words that they speak.
Instead, I'm freezing outside, typing this with the hope that I can put it in my blog, without it screwing up.
Tasha has her friend Caitie over. Tasha isn't really on her best behaviour, which is surprising, considering usually she's little miss perfect angel.
Ugh. They are making popcorn. I freaking hate the smell of popcorn. >( And I'm pretty sure all of them know that. I guess I'll have to suck it up. It's not my house after all.
Mom wants me out of the house. I can't understand why. Maybe it's because I haven't really been helping out with groceries this month. Well, I know all too well that if I start helping out with groceries, she'll become dependant of me buying all the groceries, and I will forever become the only one buying groceries for the house.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's because I've also been a terrible daughter, not waiting on her hand and foot. I have been trying to get myself organized in her room upstairs, but it's so damn hard when all of her boxes and piles of laundry are all around. I have one box and a suitcase and a mattress in there. I'm so sorry, Mother, if I'm imposing on your life.
I'm your daughter, your first born, remember me? I'm not supposed to be this stranger you met on the street and that you now want out of your life.
*hears more complaining coming from mom*
You know, she really does have to stop that. I'm trying... but apparently that's not good enough. She should have just agreed when the councillor was trying to put down that I had a mental disability, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be living on my own, and she would get to continue to tell people how much worse I am compaired to my younger sister.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm not little miss Has-To-Have-Name-Brand-Or-Will-Die. I'm used to having absolutely nothing. I'm fine with being alone. I'm fine with having nobody to talk to, and I'm fine with having to do stuff without anyone's version of "help".
Some friends have told me that they have tried to "help" me. But I'm pretty sure yelling at me and telling me I'm this and I'm that isn't help. And if it is, I'm sorry, but I'd rather not be helped.
I'm ranting again. Sometimes I like ranting, but it seems like the only thing I do lately is rant about this and that and the other thing, and to me, that's just terrible. I don't want to have to rant all the time. I want to be able to say stuff like, "Oh, so-and-so and I went to such place and we had a blast!" But no. It's almost like I'm terrified of having a life.
I'm supposed to write a poem for someone and I am having trouble with it. It's been a long time since I've been able to write something. There is way too much stress and chaos in my life. I wish there was less of it. Then, maybe, just maybe, I might be able to return to myself again, the person who could write a poem without it looking more like a suicide note, or the love I so desperately seem to be needing... or wanting.
I found someone in my life that is just like me. My twin. To me, this is absolutely amazing. I can talk to him about any thing and everything under the sun, and he understands... but, like usual, there's just one small problem. He lives like a billion miles away from me. I wish he wasn't...
Anyway...
I want to show you guys some minor things that I've been working on... trying desperately to get out of this funk that I've been in..
------------------------------------------
No, I don't hate you. I don't want to fight you, you know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you.
..................................
Woke up this morning with you on my mind
I'm not surprised;
But this doesn't happen all the time
...........................................
Don't call the Spanish inquisition
This isn't an easy transition
When the point of easy conversation is gone
My mind has lost control
Pretty sure I've broken all the rules
But I wouldn't want it any other way
............................................
As I stare out the window at night
And the lights flash like bright stars
I can't help but think if you're alright
You're all I think about nowadays
...............................................
I'm wide awake to all the damage you've caused
No one can erase these battle scars
I'm locked up in this madness screaming
Shaking the prison bars
You told me to forget about it
A story I knew all too well
Poor misfortuned soul
....................................................
So much better.
You're sitting there strumming your guitar
Fingers feeling the strings
You search for emotion beyond this
Find a rhythm, strike a few chords
Maybe you'll get somewhere
You're on stage, but you're far away from here
Dreaming about a girl or a future career
For now you're just a lonely teenager
But in a couple of years you'll be so much bigger
Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other
Start young and before you know it
You're thirty, failed marriage and two kids
You lost your job and you feel so bad
The bucket's there and you're ready to kick it
But something stops you mid swing
You think about your family
And the situation you're in
Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other
It's just the way it is
The future predetermined by the past
Only the present really matters
Yet time travels much too fast
Your kids grow older and move away
Your wife leaves for paradise
And you never said good bye
Because you begged her to stay
You feel like the roof is falling through
Just remember what they told you
People come and go
Memories are like the credits, they finish the show
One day you'll be at home
Sitting in your favorite chair
Drifting off to sleep, snoring a sweet, soft tone
It's you on stage and you're not alone
Guitar at the ready, microphone around your old, cultured hands
Looking into the crowd, but you're not seeing
Daydreaming about the old you
A lonely teenager but you'd be so much better.
.................................................................
Beyond my headphones, and my loud music, I can hear my sister and my mother fight. I'm just glad that I'm not in the room, hearing the words that they speak.
Instead, I'm freezing outside, typing this with the hope that I can put it in my blog, without it screwing up.
Tasha has her friend Caitie over. Tasha isn't really on her best behaviour, which is surprising, considering usually she's little miss perfect angel.
Ugh. They are making popcorn. I freaking hate the smell of popcorn. >( And I'm pretty sure all of them know that. I guess I'll have to suck it up. It's not my house after all.
Mom wants me out of the house. I can't understand why. Maybe it's because I haven't really been helping out with groceries this month. Well, I know all too well that if I start helping out with groceries, she'll become dependant of me buying all the groceries, and I will forever become the only one buying groceries for the house.
I'm sorry. Maybe it's because I've also been a terrible daughter, not waiting on her hand and foot. I have been trying to get myself organized in her room upstairs, but it's so damn hard when all of her boxes and piles of laundry are all around. I have one box and a suitcase and a mattress in there. I'm so sorry, Mother, if I'm imposing on your life.
I'm your daughter, your first born, remember me? I'm not supposed to be this stranger you met on the street and that you now want out of your life.
*hears more complaining coming from mom*
You know, she really does have to stop that. I'm trying... but apparently that's not good enough. She should have just agreed when the councillor was trying to put down that I had a mental disability, and then maybe, just maybe, I would be living on my own, and she would get to continue to tell people how much worse I am compaired to my younger sister.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm not little miss Has-To-Have-Name-Brand-Or-Will-Die. I'm used to having absolutely nothing. I'm fine with being alone. I'm fine with having nobody to talk to, and I'm fine with having to do stuff without anyone's version of "help".
Some friends have told me that they have tried to "help" me. But I'm pretty sure yelling at me and telling me I'm this and I'm that isn't help. And if it is, I'm sorry, but I'd rather not be helped.
I'm ranting again. Sometimes I like ranting, but it seems like the only thing I do lately is rant about this and that and the other thing, and to me, that's just terrible. I don't want to have to rant all the time. I want to be able to say stuff like, "Oh, so-and-so and I went to such place and we had a blast!" But no. It's almost like I'm terrified of having a life.
I'm supposed to write a poem for someone and I am having trouble with it. It's been a long time since I've been able to write something. There is way too much stress and chaos in my life. I wish there was less of it. Then, maybe, just maybe, I might be able to return to myself again, the person who could write a poem without it looking more like a suicide note, or the love I so desperately seem to be needing... or wanting.
I found someone in my life that is just like me. My twin. To me, this is absolutely amazing. I can talk to him about any thing and everything under the sun, and he understands... but, like usual, there's just one small problem. He lives like a billion miles away from me. I wish he wasn't...
Anyway...
I want to show you guys some minor things that I've been working on... trying desperately to get out of this funk that I've been in..
------------------------------------------
No, I don't hate you. I don't want to fight you, you know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you.
..................................
Woke up this morning with you on my mind
I'm not surprised;
But this doesn't happen all the time
...........................................
Don't call the Spanish inquisition
This isn't an easy transition
When the point of easy conversation is gone
My mind has lost control
Pretty sure I've broken all the rules
But I wouldn't want it any other way
............................................
As I stare out the window at night
And the lights flash like bright stars
I can't help but think if you're alright
You're all I think about nowadays
...............................................
I'm wide awake to all the damage you've caused
No one can erase these battle scars
I'm locked up in this madness screaming
Shaking the prison bars
You told me to forget about it
A story I knew all too well
Poor misfortuned soul
....................................................
So much better.
You're sitting there strumming your guitar
Fingers feeling the strings
You search for emotion beyond this
Find a rhythm, strike a few chords
Maybe you'll get somewhere
You're on stage, but you're far away from here
Dreaming about a girl or a future career
For now you're just a lonely teenager
But in a couple of years you'll be so much bigger
Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other
Start young and before you know it
You're thirty, failed marriage and two kids
You lost your job and you feel so bad
The bucket's there and you're ready to kick it
But something stops you mid swing
You think about your family
And the situation you're in
Sure you've got problems
That's what Life's all about
No matter how big or small
It's about changes
Staying true to yourself and standing tall
It's about learning to get over it
Saddling back up after the fall
Putting two and two together
One foot in front of the other
It's just the way it is
The future predetermined by the past
Only the present really matters
Yet time travels much too fast
Your kids grow older and move away
Your wife leaves for paradise
And you never said good bye
Because you begged her to stay
You feel like the roof is falling through
Just remember what they told you
People come and go
Memories are like the credits, they finish the show
One day you'll be at home
Sitting in your favorite chair
Drifting off to sleep, snoring a sweet, soft tone
It's you on stage and you're not alone
Guitar at the ready, microphone around your old, cultured hands
Looking into the crowd, but you're not seeing
Daydreaming about the old you
A lonely teenager but you'd be so much better.
.................................................................
Could it be you..?
Mélissa; says:
Wouldn't you rather hang out with someone more experienced?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
No.
Mélissa; says:
Why not?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
Because someone more experienced isn't you.
This... Well let's just say I've officially melted. (:
Wouldn't you rather hang out with someone more experienced?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
No.
Mélissa; says:
Why not?
Tired. Soooooo tired... says:
Because someone more experienced isn't you.
This... Well let's just say I've officially melted. (:
Monday, August 16, 2010
My head spins right round, round & round...
Well hello there people,
Yesterday's post wasn't what I expected it to be. I was actually expecting to write a serious update to my blog, but it ended up being a pathetic attempt to rant about anything and everything. Kinda like what I predict this post will be like too. Kinda like a jumble of different thoughts, just like thrown out there, out in the open, for everyone to read, and think I'm completely insane. At least I don't write like. every. word. is. it's. own. sentence. I write semi-normally, and I tend to keep it in the normal range about as often as I possibly can.
I'm sitting up in bed after staying up way too late last night. It's after 2 pm already, and I'm feeling lazy.
I have plans to hang out with Sarah tonight. I want to bring my computer with me, that way I can use it while hanging out with her.
I hate that I'm hardly able to use my computer these days. I brought my computer upstairs last night so I can keep it for myself. I wake up this morning, and it's not beside me. It ended up being downstairs with my mother.
I mean, if it was with me, beside me, and I was sleeping with it, it generally means I'd like to keep the damn thing for myself and doesn't give you any sort of permission to be able to use it.
I'm watching the internet connection flicker on and off, while I'm typing this. Makes me believe that I might not be able to "publish post" successfully without the damn thing screwing up and me losing what I had written down. And the whole draft thing really doesn't work for me either, that's why sometimes I have to do the whole "cut and paste" thing.
Shit. I'm going to hang out with Sarah today, but I just remembered that I had made plans with Katelyn to hang out today as well. Here's hoping that she doesn't remember this...
Oh! And Katelyn wants me to be godmother! She said that I am best suited for it because of my love of children, and even Justin agrees. That and I am her best friend ever, we've been through hell and back together. It's true I've been there longer for her than any other person in her whole life. I feel really honoured about that.
Oh! And I babysat 7 month old Carissa overnight on Friday for the first time. Angie was skeptical at first only because she only left her overnight at her god parents' house, and only once. But, she assured me that she trusted me, and that made me happy. And it was a good night. I woke up at 4 am, Carissa was up by 6 am. And I wasn't really the least bit tired, I was just paranoid and making sure nothing went wrong. I admit, I was nervous, but I did a great job, and I'm proud of myself.
.............................................................................
Blah. I don't know what else to talk about. I hope this internet thing stays around for a while. I don't know how long I'll be able to use it, but so far it is coming in handy, especially considering that my cell is no longer working, until I can find some money to put it back in working order... and that's at the end of the month.
I don't get any privacy anymore. When I want to be alone, I have a ton of people cramped all around me. Jesus. Something tells me that I won't be able to be alone for a very long time.
Well, I'm going to get off this thing. Sorry for the jumble of crap, it's kinda how my brain works lately. Jumble of crap and walking around like I'm drunk.. not good.
Well, I'm off for now. Before this stupid connection conks out on me again.
Yesterday's post wasn't what I expected it to be. I was actually expecting to write a serious update to my blog, but it ended up being a pathetic attempt to rant about anything and everything. Kinda like what I predict this post will be like too. Kinda like a jumble of different thoughts, just like thrown out there, out in the open, for everyone to read, and think I'm completely insane. At least I don't write like. every. word. is. it's. own. sentence. I write semi-normally, and I tend to keep it in the normal range about as often as I possibly can.
I'm sitting up in bed after staying up way too late last night. It's after 2 pm already, and I'm feeling lazy.
I have plans to hang out with Sarah tonight. I want to bring my computer with me, that way I can use it while hanging out with her.
I hate that I'm hardly able to use my computer these days. I brought my computer upstairs last night so I can keep it for myself. I wake up this morning, and it's not beside me. It ended up being downstairs with my mother.
I mean, if it was with me, beside me, and I was sleeping with it, it generally means I'd like to keep the damn thing for myself and doesn't give you any sort of permission to be able to use it.
I'm watching the internet connection flicker on and off, while I'm typing this. Makes me believe that I might not be able to "publish post" successfully without the damn thing screwing up and me losing what I had written down. And the whole draft thing really doesn't work for me either, that's why sometimes I have to do the whole "cut and paste" thing.
Shit. I'm going to hang out with Sarah today, but I just remembered that I had made plans with Katelyn to hang out today as well. Here's hoping that she doesn't remember this...
Oh! And Katelyn wants me to be godmother! She said that I am best suited for it because of my love of children, and even Justin agrees. That and I am her best friend ever, we've been through hell and back together. It's true I've been there longer for her than any other person in her whole life. I feel really honoured about that.
Oh! And I babysat 7 month old Carissa overnight on Friday for the first time. Angie was skeptical at first only because she only left her overnight at her god parents' house, and only once. But, she assured me that she trusted me, and that made me happy. And it was a good night. I woke up at 4 am, Carissa was up by 6 am. And I wasn't really the least bit tired, I was just paranoid and making sure nothing went wrong. I admit, I was nervous, but I did a great job, and I'm proud of myself.
.............................................................................
Blah. I don't know what else to talk about. I hope this internet thing stays around for a while. I don't know how long I'll be able to use it, but so far it is coming in handy, especially considering that my cell is no longer working, until I can find some money to put it back in working order... and that's at the end of the month.
I don't get any privacy anymore. When I want to be alone, I have a ton of people cramped all around me. Jesus. Something tells me that I won't be able to be alone for a very long time.
Well, I'm going to get off this thing. Sorry for the jumble of crap, it's kinda how my brain works lately. Jumble of crap and walking around like I'm drunk.. not good.
Well, I'm off for now. Before this stupid connection conks out on me again.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Gah.
Okay, it's been.. now over a month since I was able to update my blog.
And to think I was actually going to update it every day. Well.. that failed.
I'm supposed to rant about something.. but I have no idea what to rant about.
Well.. I've had hours of sitting here outside with an active internet connection, always thinking that any second now, I'm going to end up cut off or something like that. Stupid, yes?
Well, I'm thinking now that it's already past 12 am, that maybe I'm not exactly going to really lose the connection and that maybe it is safe to rant about nothing in particular on my blog just to say that I actually updated it. Actually, Bryan told me to update it. But I had been thinking about doing just that all day.
It's kinda hard to concentrate on writing something when every 10 minutes, your mother is whining about how she wants my computer, and how it's not fair that I have it all day.
Hold up.
Yes, I did say MY computer.
She wants it to play hours of endless Spider Solitaire. I don't see how that's productive. I, at least, spent my time talking to people and updating facebook and all that fancy stuff. Oh, and I downloaded a bunch of songs that I recently liked and wanted to add to my playlist.
Oh. And dirty Big Bang Theory fanfiction. (Happy? I said it.)
And to think I was actually going to update it every day. Well.. that failed.
I'm supposed to rant about something.. but I have no idea what to rant about.
Well.. I've had hours of sitting here outside with an active internet connection, always thinking that any second now, I'm going to end up cut off or something like that. Stupid, yes?
Well, I'm thinking now that it's already past 12 am, that maybe I'm not exactly going to really lose the connection and that maybe it is safe to rant about nothing in particular on my blog just to say that I actually updated it. Actually, Bryan told me to update it. But I had been thinking about doing just that all day.
It's kinda hard to concentrate on writing something when every 10 minutes, your mother is whining about how she wants my computer, and how it's not fair that I have it all day.
Hold up.
Yes, I did say MY computer.
She wants it to play hours of endless Spider Solitaire. I don't see how that's productive. I, at least, spent my time talking to people and updating facebook and all that fancy stuff. Oh, and I downloaded a bunch of songs that I recently liked and wanted to add to my playlist.
Oh. And dirty Big Bang Theory fanfiction. (Happy? I said it.)
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