-sighs-

I'm not in the frame of mind that I need to be. There's so much going on in my head; about moving mostly. But one thing just keeps going to the top of my "to-do list" that I can't seem to shake off.

I'm not comfortable with my body. I don't like the way it looks, I don't like the way it feels, I don't like it at all.

For a while, especially during the last months of my pregnancy and the first few months after S was born, I felt incredibly confident about my body. I felt sexy, and proud. I didn't care that I had a belly the size of a pumpkin and I didn't mind showing it off, under clothing, of course.

But now... looking at my body naked in the mirror, I see nothing but flaws. The deep scarring of my stretch marks, the loose, hanging skin. I feel completely repulsed by what I see that I can't help but wonder if I'll ever love myself the way I did in those short months.

I have never been comfortable in my own skin. I can't touch my arms, my belly or my legs without feeling completely disgusted. Even if I was smaller, I don't think I'll ever accept myself, my body, for what it is.

I guess it doesn't help that I haven't found someone that accepts my natural body either. I won't even get into the whole soul bit. Nobody has ever regarded my body to be beautiful, or perfect just the way it is. Nobody has ever looked at me the way I should be looked at, or even thought that I had a beautiful body.

I know I'm not supposed to think this way, but how am I supposed to love what I have, if I've never been told that it's something to love?

It doesn't help that I have "a few extra pounds" either, as people put it.