Wow.

Someone recently sent me an anonymous message. It said:
"Mel. I miss the old you.
To be perfectly honest, someone once told me that one of these days, I'm going to turn around and go: "What the hell happened?"
And I've turned around and asked myself that question. Since when did it get this bad? Since when did I ever let things go this bad? Where am I? Who am I?

I don't even know anymore.

I want to go back to the awkward girl. The one who didn't care if she grew up as long as she stayed true to herself. The one who didn't care about anything than what really mattered.

I don't even know what really matters anymore.

I've lost myself in a world that I don't understand. I've lost myself in a cruel and selfish world. I remember a couple of years ago I entered this site a friend had showed me, where she made up stories with other people online. I was explained to that it was called roleplaying, and many, many people were doing it. I thought I would give it a try. I was always told that I had a good imagination, but nothing compared to what these people had to offer. I suppose it was because they had more experience, more material, more talent. I was just some girl from a small town that wrote about having magic powers and finding a prince, or getting into some small little mix-up, and it was back to happily ever after.

With my stories, I created a world that was entirely different from my own. In my stories, I wasn't Melissa, or Missy, or Melly or Mel. I was a skinny little warrior with an almost impossibly pronounceable name and I was as strong as they come. I could overcome anything. In my stories, I wasn't this overweight, glasses and second-hand store wearing nerd. I was popular and shopped at cute little boutiques and had a lot of friends. In real life, I had no friends. I had no one by my side. I literally spent my entire life being bullied in school, and I had no one to talk about it. No one wanted to be friends with the fat kid with giant glasses and secondhand clothes. I wasn't good enough for them. I never had enough to be part of their groups. So, I did what I could. To avoid bullying, I hid in the shadows, never lifted my arm up in class, stopped trying to earn good grades so I would blend in and I wouldn't get any attention. But I wanted attention, I wanted attention bad. When I was 15, I was in the system. I met a few people and they changed a few things about me. I started smoking cigarettes, weed, drank alcohol, anything that would change the way I was.
My life blurred differently. I became numb to anything and everything.

Since then, I don't even know who I am now. After 4 years, I don't know how I got here.


But, for the first time since my teens, I'm going to change that. I'm going to become the person I wanted to be, mixed with the person I was before I got mixed up with the wrong people.

Think of it as... the new, old me. :)

Sincerely me, Southpaw Gypsy.

Edit: I know I mentioned that I started smoking cigs, weed and drinking alcohol, but I forgot to mention that I don't anymore, and haven't for a while. I just wanted to point that out..

NaNoWriMo, Insomnia, Education and everything in between.

It's funny how many times I've written here, had my post erased or had my computer freeze up so that it doesn't save in the drafts, and then have to go and restart again.
After that point I'm much too frustrated to do so. So here's to a blog post that will actually stay. Because I'm much too tired to repeat myself all the time. Seems the things I had talked about before weren't worth putting on the blog, so I won't be listing them today - but I bet you can guess what they were!

So, how is my night going so far, you ask?

So, maybe you didn't ask that. And maybe you really don't care and/or really don't wanna know. But that doesn't matter because I'm going to tell you anyway. Tonight was as boring as an other night. Surfed the web for a little bit.. messed around on Facebook, read Girls with Slingshots, looked at NaNoWriMo, checked my Formspring, procrastinated on work again.. y'know. The usual.

As for NaNoWriMo, I think I'm going to actually participate in that next year, depending on what exactly I would be doing next year - clue: I have no clue.
I haven't actually sat down and wrote anything in specific, and it would be nice to actually sit down and do something. Feel accomplished. Have something to tell the grandchildren one day, as they say.

Oh. I checked my class today. I haven't done that in days. I've been so busy lately, and with exams coming soon I don't know what I'm going to do with my time anymore. Everyone wants me for this and wants me for that, and it's like.. whoa. Hold on. Where are my priorities here? Oh yeah. School.

I just want to get it over and done with. I'm 19 years old and I'm still struggling with high school. And quite frankly, I really don't need to be. I should be done and graduated by now and yet I'm not. This saddens me. I really just want to go to college already. Seriously. But I don't know what to take and this OSAP thing is already complicated enough.

Anyway...

I haven't been sleeping much lately. It's either one thing or another just bugging me and I don't know how to react to it. My brain is completely fried and it's a wonder I can function - let alone be multitasking all of these things right now.
So, I think, because I can't sleep, I'm going to just go ahead and get a bunch of assignments done and suck it up. Speaking of assignments, I had a past assignment that involved Justice, and so, in closing, I ask these questions: (You can comment below)

What does Justice mean to you?
Where do you see justice carried out around you?
Where do you see the miscarriage of justice?
Do you see the world as essentially just or unjust?

Thanks for reading!