I've been staring at my screen for a while now. Watching as chills fill my body and tears start swelling from my eyes. Tonight I wanna cry.

I don't want to write how I feel. Because I thought I was better. I thought I was happy. I thought I wrote down how I was feeling a while ago. I guess I wasn't completely finished.

Ugh. Screw this. And screw you.

Emotional Sabotage

I wear my heart on my sleeve a little too obviously
It drives me crazy but I can't help it
I always put my whole heart into everything
It's a wonder how I'm still alive
I screamed on top of a cliff begging you to save me
But you turned around and told me to dive

(Decided there needed to be another post, so I typed a whole bunch of bullshit to use as filler. Enjoy.)

I know, I know. It's been a while since I've updated, yet again. Well, a couple days.
Which, to be honest, is a lot shorter than other times that I have written on here - going months without a single word. Meh... it's not like I have a ton of readers focusing in on anything.

I started school on friday. had orientation and my new teacher explained what to do and all that crap. An hour and a half of useless information, imo.
I finished over 6 assignments (the "getting to know you" ones) but I'm stuck on one.
It's the one where I have to find an object that best describes me. And explain how & why I chose it and blah blah blah. Oh lordy.
Good news is the ACTUAL class starts tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to, you know, have all that shit completed by then. I still haven't done the whole 'Day 4' assignment. Stupid shit of useless crap, I tell ya. I just want to get to the actual stuff. Finish this damn crap and graduate already. Shit.

Maybe you should read this.

Oh sweet lonely night
With the stars awfully bright
Do I dare make a wish I might
Fall in love with you tonight



I can't sleep tonight. I went for a walk, something about slow, lonely 2 am walks make me feel.. slow and lonely. It also gives me an excuse to write... so I guess that's okay too. I didn't do much these past few days. I don't think it's because I'm lazy or anything, I'm just a little.. depressed. I don't talk to the people I used to have so much fun talking to. Elijah for one thing. I used to talk day and night to that person, and now every time he's online, I don't even have the nerve to click on his name. I used to not have the need to click on him. As soon as I logged on, there he was, saying hi. Now.. for months.. nothing. Oh well.

I don't know if I've changed. Maybe I have. I'm not the person I thought I was. I used to remember myself as a sweet, shy girl who just wanted to explore. I wanted to travel the world, meet new people, discover exciting things. These thoughts bring tears in my eyes as I'm writing, slowly, but still writing, because I don't know what happened to that girl. It's almost as if I lost myself somewhere and I can't find me any more. As the tears slowly fall I imagine myself sitting on a bench alone, on the waterfront watching the waves crash onto the shore thinking "I'm going to be alright. I have myself, I'm strong, independent.. I can do anything". If I saw myself right now, I wouldn't know what to say at the sight of me. What happened to me in the last few years? It's like ever since I was 17 I didn't care about the world, or who was in it. I didn't want to feel anything at all. At some point, I didn't even care about living.

I want the sweet, innocent girl back. I want the girl who would give her clothes to someone who needed them more and to do something stupid if it meant putting a smile on someone's face. Now, I run into things and accidentally break things and don't think, I just feel like a failure for breaking something, or injuring myself. I don't think: "Someone could have found this funny." I think: "Oh jeez, can't I do one thing right for once?"

I had a conversation with someone on MSN tonight. He said something like: "Don't you care about yourself?"
Thinking back on it now, I realize I don't care much about what I've become. I've become this selfish poor excuse for a human being. I want things done when I want them done and I don't like the word 'no'. I can't stand being alone and miserable, and I can't stand seeing my news feed on Facebook all about lovey dovey crap while I sit here, in my shoebox room, alone and upset. At 17, I would have commented on everyone's walls telling them to have a wonderful day, but now, I wouldn't even bother to comment at all.

My world revolves around the internet now. I'm so scared to interact with people because I'm afraid of what people might say about me. There are already enough rumours going around.

I had goals and dreams and I let them all slip away because I started to believe that I couldn't achieve them, it won't happen.

I told my mom I wanted to be a dancer. But with my feet and my weight, I'd never make it, she said. My little sister just laughed. On my good days, I put music on and dance in my room, alone, a simple little routine and then I'd stop. I'd remember what they say, and concentrate on other stuff.

I wanted to be a marine biologist, after a trip to Toronto at the Science Centre, during an IMAX movie about marine biologists traveling the different coral reefs in the world and researching on how they are all dying due to tourists. I wanted to help the vegetation so that one day they could thrive again, and people would be able to see the beauty in it. But.. I barely passed Biology.

People have always said throughout my childhood that I was smart, that I could pass school with flying colors. I always thought so too. And then high school came along, and I could barely pass anything. Teachers, my family said that I wasn't trying hard enough. I wasn't putting my best into it. But I was. I was trying so damn hard to understand what they were saying, what the homework was about, how the hell I was going to write a 5-page essay on god knows what..
High school was horrible. It wasn't the people, as much as it was the actual high school work. It wasn't working for me. And my report cards showed that.

I tried to give up. I tried to tell people, you know.. I'm not cut out for this kind of thing. I knew I wasn't going to succeed well in life. Oh, and if you're expected something positive to come out of this, I'm just going to tell you now. You're not going to see something positive. There is no fucking light at the end of this tunnel.

If you're wondering, I'm still crying. Slowly, but surely, tears are falling one by one from my water-swelled eyes.


I don't want to sleep. I want to scream and blubber and watch a movie where a man and a woman fall in love just to feel sorry for myself. I also don't want to be alone. God. I told you I was selfish and pathetic.

I do nothing but complain about my life to my only existing friends, which are mostly online folk, people I've never met before in my whole life. Sometimes I like to think that's good, because if they don't ever meet me, they won't have to see how stupid I've become. How I let myself turn into such a monster. If my younger self met me now, I wouldn't blame them for not liking me. I don't even like me.

Why do I bother posting a blog on the internet, where billions upon billions of people have the opportunity to see it and comment on it if they really wanted to, but I'm afraid to show the people I know what my thoughts are? I told someone I knew from school that I had a blog and he said: "I didn't know. Why don't you post it on your facebook so people can read it?" I told him I couldn't. Why would I bother showing people what I actually feel, what I actually think about the world? What if they had questions! I couldn't answer them. How I feel on one single day changes so rapidly that I couldn't possibly explain what I wrote on that day, in that moment. What would people say about this post? Would they think I'm some emo freak so desperate for attention that if they don't get it might run out on the street and hope to be smashed to bits by a truck?

Truth is, I'm not really desperate for attention. I don't do things just to see what others reactions might be. I'm desperate to find out what happened to the girl I was, and what could happen to the girl I am.

Hmm, what do I want?

I want someone to love me. How is that not clear? I don't care how desperate it makes me. That's what I want. K?

New Room.

Hey guys.
I had to post what I wrote on Saturday first. Seemed important.
As I'm sipping my peach schnapps & coke from Mike, Caitlin's boyfriend, who is now gone to get Caitlin from work.. I'm thinking..
Okay, that's not new. But it also seemed important to say.

I moved in all my stuff this morning. It's been a slow day. Of course, I had to help them empty out the room, and then I slowly moved all my stuff in here ( okay, I did it pretty fast, but you'd be surprised at the amount of crap that I possess - which is minimal, these days). I am so happy that I'm able to just relax. Do absolutely nothing. My room is clean, organized and there's plenty of space for whatever else I decide to put in it. I wish I could change the walls though. There's these weird, large, gold-like plates of pirate ships and old English people with top hats and horse and buggy's on one wall - then on the two others, there are bald eagles. The walls are like this interesting version of a blue sky, while the trimming is dolphins or whales with pink, green and yellow shells. Strange room. I will post pictures as soon as I can.

With this new room comes a different me. Here's my chance to redeem myself. Make me a different person. Which I am perfectly fine with. It's about time. Really.

*checks laundry*

It's a blah day. I don't know what the heck to do. Oh well. I'll post later about anything else.

Saturday, September 4th.

Dear Blogger friends,

I haven't forgotten about you. I blame my internet connection for every time I went outside to update this, it hasn't wanted to connect. I think it's because I have some neighbors who have found out about my little plan these last few months. I have plenty to tell you though!
I have moved! Yes, everyone, I found a little place for myself. It's only a room for now, but in January, or late December, I move into the downstairs apartment, which is a 3-bedroom apartment with whoever else decides to move there too. Mostly college kids, really. But that doesn't bother me. My own private entrance, living room and kitchen, which I will be using anyway, while I live upstairs for the first few months. (I am writing this on Saturday, but my move in date is on Monday, at 9 am.) Nine freakin' AM! I told my landlord, for she is mine, after I paid rent on thursday, that 9 am is the perfect time, but really, it's so freakin' early.. especially when I'll have to wake up at 7 to be able to make sure I have everything packed..

I'm excited to move in, don't get me wrong. Things are finally working for me, and all because I decided to screw anyone who tried to tell me that things are hard. I started to take things into my own hands, and guess what that got me! A place to live, a job, which will eventually make me into a business representative, and another prospective full-time job, earning major bucks. The catch? For there is always one, I must study for the exam to get my business licence. But, since I love to study, and as my landlord said, if I am good to study a few hours a night for the next few weeks, I should be able to easily pass this exam.

Also..

I have to write this poem for a friend, but they never gave me a subject. I could write about car transmissions if I desired. He said to write it about him, but how could I write it? With my writer's block and slight depression and anxiety, it's becoming increasingly difficult to do anything these days, like remembering simple tasks, like going from point A to point B. Oh, how I loathe these days.

I have been working on this for a while now, and I believe it's complete. Yes, it's small and it gets to the point, trust me. It's about letting go of the one you fell for, knowing that you'll love them for the rest of your life, with all the imperfections between the two of you. Yet, knowing that it wouldn't work out without one of them leaving some place that they've known all their life. It pains me to say these words, because he is one of the only people who got to see me as I was, my heart open and rare for him to do as he pleases with. I felt loved, truly loved, when he held me against him at night, his hands in mine, his legs wrapped around me securely. Nothing more than sweet innocence.


It started long ago on a hot summer day,
Thoughts of you never seemed to go away
Since then years have passed
Yet every time I see you my heart beats fast
Now that you've gone away
Something inside me wishes you stayed
For there are a thousand things I miss
And among them I have a small list
I miss your smile and the way you say my name
I miss your late night calls and the way you drive me insane
I miss your habits and the strange way you sleep
I miss your secrets and those of mine you keep
You dared me to leave this place behind
Take a bag and meet you on the other side
I agreed then something stops me
My strength inside is weak don't you see
So I'll suck it up and leave those feelings behind
Keep the flow even though I love you so
And with one last line, I'll let you go.


[Note: The person that this relates to stopped talking to me today, and won't be talking to me for a very long time. I cried.]