Ugh.

You know that feeling you get when you feel like you're the only one in the world that's perfect for him, and he's perfect for you, and the whole world just feels so right?
Disregard that feeling now, because before you know it, although he might still be the one for you, he's found some other beauty on the shelf and he's already traded you in :(

Ladies, this is why I hate dating. I can't stand giving my heart to someone anymore and watch as they break it into tiny little pieces without any kind of sensitivity. And they know it hurts too, it's part of the game.

To those who thought they've never broken a heart, you've broken the most.

True fact, right there.

I think I've spent the most of my life single, and most of my moments have been unhappy, while I have tried all I could to make them happier. Single and Happy just don't do it themselves, or get done easily.

I just got a message from one of my friends, a little earlier. It read:

"Mellz. I love you. Thank you, for being a good friend to me. I can't even conceive how good of a lover you could have been."

Like, thanks. "I Could Have Been". But I'm not, and never will be.

Consider me bitter, or desperate, or whatever type of name you come up with, but instead of becoming this bitter old lady, or someone who has shut all love out of her life (which is actually happening) I wouldn't mind finding someone who doesn't just say they love me because they wouldn't mind using me for sex, or values my opinion, or wants to hold me just because, randomly steals kisses from me and tells me how beautiful I am.

I don't want to have to ask them what they want after that, because I know the answer to it. I want to be that one thing they can't stand to lose.

Might as well shut myself off to the world. I'm not going to get what I want anyway.

Happy? Holidays?

The worst part about being a little too anti-social is that you tend to cringe during the holiday season.
I don't like the holiday season, and I find it wierd to be exchanging gifts. It's way too commercial, and people aren't celebrating togetherness and family anymore, they are betting on who gets the most expensive present.

So far, I feel alone. I'm so lonely it's not even funny.

Day 4- New School.

So it's been a whole week since I've changed schools.
Okay, so it's only been since Tuesday, but nothing happened on Monday anyway.
How did my first week go?
I thought it would go better than it has. Nothing happens here, and I always end up saying something wrong. Memere read my journal, and proceeded to tell me how I'm just like my uncle because apparently I don't care. Well, that hit a nerve. A pretty big nerve, actually.

Weekend.

I thought I would write you about my weekend, in short form. Later in other posts, I will be able to explain the entire story about my mother, for those who wish to know. If anyone reads this, of course and has any questions, I would be happy to answer them: mellycious.massacre@live.ca.

My weekend started on Thursday. On this particular day, I wake up sick. Like, I mean, ridiculous flu sick. My grandmother believes that I’m faking my sneezing too, because it’s like this, oh nvm. So anyways, I end up having to work for her, but then by noon, she’s driving me up the wall so I ask her to go see my mom finally, to get the news out of her. I got the news, and ended up staying there all night. And, Friday, I got a call from my grandmother saying it’s about time I come home. So I did. She made up this excuse that there was stuff for me to do, and when I walked back there and asked, she had nothing for me to do. So I wrote all night, and went back to sleep on the floor. Saturday Morning, I went back to my mom’s, only to find her in extreme pain. So one of her 459849584 nurses assessed her and called the ambulance. Man, I love paramedics. Anyways, so we get to the hospital, wait a few hours for the doctor to tell me it’s just water retention and give us water pills, which I ended up having to walk across town for. I stay at her house with her, and care for her in between the nurses. Saturday night is unbearable. She’s in pain, crying in her sleep. She started wailing every time her foot fell off the hospital bed, because it was twisting her knee joint. So I spent all night, sitting on her coffee table, RIGHT beside her to move her feet closer to the center of the bed before it went off the bed again. 18 times, she started crying. When I went into the kitchen to find something to keep me awake, she moved again. It was like; she was doing it on purpose to make me stay close again.


Sunday morning, her leg was worse, naturally, so again one of the nurses assessed her again and called the ambulance. We waited longer at the hospital, and by the time the doctor had come she was in a bed and I was sleeping in the same bed with her –for 3 hours. They gave her an IV this time, with an anti-biotic that wouldn’t interfere with her Gabapentin, Vorinostat and her Amitriptyline and her Morphine pump, whom she named “George/Buddy”, and sent her home again. I’m following up with her tonight, to see how the second IV is working on her.

This was the shortest version I could write. Please, if you have any questions, comments or just want to say hi, remember to email me. Happy to hear from you!

Welcome?

I’ve moved 4 times since school has started, in September. It’s now only the end of November. It’s pretty sad considering it’s only been a couple of months. I can’t remember the last time I even bothered to take a breather and really think about how this could be affecting me. Actually, that’s a lie. I think about it all the time. Yet, I can’t seem to be any more stable. I guess I like change, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I’m afraid, I guess I like running away as soon as I hit a speed bump, which has been happening a lot lately, which probably solves why I’ve moved so much. I guess I am preparing myself for when I move far away. I haven’t moved away from the town I’ve lived in for over 17 years, and I guess that’s a sign that maybe even if I move around a lot, I’m not ready to just simply let go.


I thank my family so much for trying to help me. But the help they offer isn’t the help I need. I want to be able to, you know, I don't even know myself.

Well, you know, I will be posting updates. See you soon.

- Southpaw Gypsy