An activity

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Numen

: a spiritual force or influence often identified with a natural object, phenomenon, or place

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Selfconciousness and Stupidity

When you get into a relationship, you're supposed to be happy, right?

But tonight I'm not happy. The night before he left, he told me that he cheated on me when we dated when I was 18 because I didn't put out. He hesitated because he thought I was going to argue with him. I didn't argue, I laughed. And I laughed pretty hard. I think I was laughing because I was in shock.

Now, I just feel pathetic. I feel stupid for chasing him again. Now that I know he's cheated on me..
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I think I might have made a mistake.

You want to know what the worst thing is?

He texted me today that he had a long talk with his ex-girlfriend. He said that she was dolled up and that she looked like a cocktease. He also said that she looked good. That's another awful sign. I don't trust him. I feel like he's going to turn around and go back to her, even after all the crap she put him through.

But... what makes me think that she's going to go back with her is because she's beautiful. And she's skinny. But she's a psycho. And I don't know what to do.

How come I'm never good enough? He even told me to wear makeup, and when I did, he didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do? Is it because he thinks that makeup doesn't fix me?

I'm so self-concious right now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know why I bother to put myself out there.
I don't understand what I did to ...

For someone who wasn't into it at first, I feel pretty devastated now. I feel extremely hurt for putting myself out there. I feel... used and confused. I'm...heartbroken, yet again.

I feel sick. I'm upset that I gave into something my heart knew wasn't a good idea.
I knew that he was still hooked on his ex-girlfriend. Yet I figured.. I hoped..

But he says there's no spark. He feels nothing. And I actually feel... something.

But there's nothing I can really do about it now.

A silver lining... or shiny tin foil in the sun?

Okay, my last post was a little weird. What I mean by that is that it didn't really make any sense. It was just this awkward little thought I had. I gotta stop posting like that.

So. things went by really quickly today. I still haven't found a place, but after S and his physio appointment, and the child worker coming, I made some phone calls and I actually got a bed to sleep in now, so I don't have to be so worried.

But, here's the deal. I'm moving to live in a shelter for women fleeing from abuse, but it's an entire city away! Actually, small town of like.. 300. D:

I don't know anyone there except for ironically, my abusive ex-boyfriend, which I am not too happy about.
The last thing I need is to be going for a walk with S and having him randomly show up behind me, or spot me and try to talk to me. Awkward..

I called today, and I leave tomorrow, after my first therapy appointment.

Can you see why my anxiety feels like it's in full swing?

I feel a little bit awkward about going back into therapy. I don't really want to go back to therapy, because of my awful experiences from my last time I was in therapy.

My aunt called them to ask if there was internet available, and they actually weren't sure, but I'm bringing my netbook anyway, just in case. That way, if there is, I can find something to do when it rains or something. And to blog, of course. I hope there's internet, damnit. I really do.

I can't be stuck in the middle of nowhere, AGAIN, without any internet access. >>

I hate changes. I hate when things change. I like routine. I like structure. It completely fucks me up when I'm not "in order". 

What bothers me.. 

I'm completely 

When I'm around people, my mind empties and I'm like this hollow being. I follow orders, however fucked up they are. I'm completely obedient.
It's like, I'm not even my own being. I belong to someone else.. robotic. 





I think what upsets me about it is that I was raised that way. I was raised to keep quiet and follow orders. I was taught that someone else's opinion was more important than my own, and I should take what's given to me.

More Changes

I don't know what it is about waking up early, but I know that 6 hours later, I'm always feeling so drained. 
I don't know if it's the complete lack of naps or the fact that my body hates me when I wake up at 6 am.. I don't really know. 

As you can probably see, I've made more changes to the blog, adding stuff, moving stuff around.. as I become more and more aware and okay with the blog, I'm making it more original. Or at least, as original as a complete internet-illiterate person possibly can. 

I forgot to do a lot of things lately. I didn't call the shelter, I didn't book S' stomach ultrasound and I haven't packed yet. 

I'm just.. not ready to face change once again. I've become comfortable and I don't want my life completely upside down again. I don't like it. I think it's terrible. 

I'm scared of the future and the unknown. Is this a sad fact? You tell me. 

Changes

I'm not really one for being excited about changes. I have never liked them. I don't like waking up and feeling like today is another day where anything can happen - good or bad. I like structure, routine and planning because I feel like it's safe and controlled and predictable - I know what's coming next. 

I was assigned a new worker again. I don't like how my life is getting passed around constantly by different people. I am a closed and reserved person professionally. I don't like my whole life being plastered around. I don't care how many confidentiality contracts are being signed. If too many people know about me and my issues, then the contracts are a moot point. 

I don't mind blogging because I know that I'm still somewhat anonymous in my own personal thoughts and opinions. 

Anyway.. I don't know what I think about this new worker. I also don't like how she sided with my Uncle D like she knew how he could relate when there is nothing relatable to him. I dislike how he always makes me look like I'm the bad guy for wanting some control over my own adult life.. I also hate how he calls me a disrespectful child when I am trying to prove myself. He accuses me of lying to people, when I have told nothing but the truth. 

Honestly, I think he believes I'm lying because somewhere in his own demented little world, he's the victim and I am the evil witch "out to get him". It's pathetic, really. I have never met anyone so full of his own demons.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so I'm not going to be stupid and try. I just feel bad that he wasn't and isn't a considerate human being. As soon as my workers are out of my life, he will be too. I don't need any added negativity in my life. It's poisonous and not an example I want to show my son. 

My son deserves more than people like that in his life. 


Update;
The apartment search continues! I have been looking, and looking and looking, including emailing a lot of places that are somewhat within my affordable range. 

No luck. 

Seems the places that I have e-mailed don't e-mail me back, or when they do, they kindly tell me that the place has already been rented. Yeah, like that helps me a lot. But.. at least they're nice about it. 

Looks like in a little over a week, I'll have to move to a shelter. If they will even accept me.. I don't know how many times I've asked to be in a shelter before, while pregnant and in actual danger.. but I wasn't helped. I hate it. The people in my town have no idea what priority is, apparently. 

I guess it's true what they say. For everything, you really do need to know people. 

I guess I don't know the right people. 


... I hope I'm saved from this hell soon.