I was just talking to a friend of mine, and she asked me what was wrong.
Naturally, I told her nothing was wrong; although she knew something was, she didn't ask any more questions.
She recently found out she's pregnant.
I'm extremely happy for her - only problem I have is I'm the only one out of all my friends that aren't pregnant.
It seems that everyone that I know has found that special someone, able to start a family and start a wonderful life together. But me.
"The most difficult thing in life, is to know yourself."
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Some updates.
I've been blogging for a long time, but I just recently read up on why people blog. I don't think that people I know actually read what I'm writing, but I found blogging to be more like keeping a journal than anything. I would rather put my words out in the open where the internet can read them, rather than having my family read them. (Most of my family know how to use the internet – excluding my grandmother and anyone else past 40). My family don't even know that I keep a blog/journal over the internet anyway. They mostly believe that I've randomly stopped writing. Truth is, it's hard to keep a journal when everyone just goes and reads it anyway. Where's the privacy in all that? It's a sad day when one admits that the internet holds more privacy in things than one's own family.
A lot, actually. I really can't stand my grandmother any longer. It's hard to put up with someone that's been around since 1937, and continues to have the same mentality as if times haven't changed. It's not all that healthy to live with a 73 year old woman, as a 19 year old young woman. We don't see eye to eye, naturally. Plus, what good is it to be sharing a small bachelor apartment? She gets the bedroom, of course, while I get stuck sleeping on the couch. She doesn't like me sleeping on the couch, because she thinks I'm ruining it. However, she spends all day sleeping on it, so the couch is constantly being used. The unfair part is that she can sleep in her bed if she needs to take a nap or something.
I've had to get rid of a lot of my things to accommodate her. I've gotten rid of pictures, random knick-knacks, clothes, most of my writing, CD's, etc., just to please her and to take less place in the apartment. She still believes I still have too many things, and I have a total of 3 drawers of clothing, a large plastic tupperware box of things, and one box of random things that are needed for school and such. I'm living like a gypsy, ready to go at a moment's notice.
She says that she needs me, yet, at least twice a week she tells me she doesn't. No matter what I do, it's so hard to please her. She's got her head shoved so far up her butt, nothing will suffice. I pay her rent – approximately 500 dollars a month – and it's still not good enough.
I've started to leave a lot now, because it's hard to stick around her, the way she is. I still pay her rent, of course. Yet, it's never good enough for her. It's like, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't read minds, and I can't perform miracles. I'm not wonder woman, I'm a 19 year old girl trying to graduate from high school, so I can go off to college and start my life.
Speaking of college, I still have no idea what I really want to do. All I know is that I'm pretty good in the social work field, so I think that's the direction I'll be taking. At least temporarily. I need to be somewhere that I know what I'm doing, and that I'm capable of doing a good job. I can't be somewhere that I know I won't enjoy what I do, and that I'm only there for the money. It's certainly not fair to the people around me, or potential clients; makes me feel selfish and self-centered.
Oh well. I suppose this is enough for now.
I'll talk soon.
- Mellie
A lot, actually. I really can't stand my grandmother any longer. It's hard to put up with someone that's been around since 1937, and continues to have the same mentality as if times haven't changed. It's not all that healthy to live with a 73 year old woman, as a 19 year old young woman. We don't see eye to eye, naturally. Plus, what good is it to be sharing a small bachelor apartment? She gets the bedroom, of course, while I get stuck sleeping on the couch. She doesn't like me sleeping on the couch, because she thinks I'm ruining it. However, she spends all day sleeping on it, so the couch is constantly being used. The unfair part is that she can sleep in her bed if she needs to take a nap or something.
I've had to get rid of a lot of my things to accommodate her. I've gotten rid of pictures, random knick-knacks, clothes, most of my writing, CD's, etc., just to please her and to take less place in the apartment. She still believes I still have too many things, and I have a total of 3 drawers of clothing, a large plastic tupperware box of things, and one box of random things that are needed for school and such. I'm living like a gypsy, ready to go at a moment's notice.
She says that she needs me, yet, at least twice a week she tells me she doesn't. No matter what I do, it's so hard to please her. She's got her head shoved so far up her butt, nothing will suffice. I pay her rent – approximately 500 dollars a month – and it's still not good enough.
I've started to leave a lot now, because it's hard to stick around her, the way she is. I still pay her rent, of course. Yet, it's never good enough for her. It's like, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't read minds, and I can't perform miracles. I'm not wonder woman, I'm a 19 year old girl trying to graduate from high school, so I can go off to college and start my life.
Speaking of college, I still have no idea what I really want to do. All I know is that I'm pretty good in the social work field, so I think that's the direction I'll be taking. At least temporarily. I need to be somewhere that I know what I'm doing, and that I'm capable of doing a good job. I can't be somewhere that I know I won't enjoy what I do, and that I'm only there for the money. It's certainly not fair to the people around me, or potential clients; makes me feel selfish and self-centered.
Oh well. I suppose this is enough for now.
I'll talk soon.
- Mellie
Monday, April 12, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
St. Patrick's Day & What I've been up to lately
First of all; Happy late St.Patrick's Day.
No, I didn't do anything. No, I did not wear green. No, I wasn't pinched.
Second; It seems the only thing I have been doing is keeping occupied on the computer by continuing to participate in CC (still no time for RP) and by posting and being active on PH (Plano Hogwarts - http://www.planohogwarts.com/). Of course, I still have to do the whole FarmVille, PetVille, Cafe World and Mafia Wars thing too.
Takes a lot out of my day!
Don't worry, I have been getting out of the house. I like going to the mall and annoying those who actually have jobs. (I want one, really, I swear.)
The thing I regret not doing is taking advantage of the fact that my sister still won't be back from Toronto visiting my aunt until Saturday afternoon, and I haven't seen my mother. It's sad, really, how much I could simply forget about my own mother. I don't mean to forget her, and it's not that I forget about her per se, I guess I just got lazy and don't really want to walk across town anymore to go see her. That, and everytime I see her, I feel like I want to die inside because I feel like I'm never doing any good for her, and showing up sometimes is just as bad as not showing up at all. But I know I can't come every day, especially when Tasha's there - she doesn't like me very much - yeah, her own sister - it's her choice; I tried to bond with her but it seems we really are just that different.
I've been so gapped out I haven't even bothered to do homework during the March Break - something that I always enjoy doing. I just don't feel like it.
In other news...
I have made new friends. Joshua and Elijah.
Joshua's a little wierd, and.. I don't like him very much, but I try my best to keep interested in what he has to say.. (it's really hard!) D:
But.. Elijah! It's like we're able to connect and bond so well. He's been through a lot, as have I. He recently had his 16 year old family dog, Kairos put down the other day (like the 16th). :( I know what that's like losing a pet. I've lost so many pets in my childhood. But anyways.. he's just the sweetest kid in the world.. kid.. I'm saying it as if he was a kid.. he's like early 20's. Anyway! This is what he had to say:
Elijah: It seems to me that you care deeply about the world outside you. That you've come through the ass-end of the horse and you can still love deeply, feel strongly, and you're not scarred beyond repair. That you find comfort in other people, and in the lives of those around you. I think it's part of what makes you feel human, knowing that you're one of many, and you're not alone because of it. You are light and cheerful, and understated. You're not grasping for attention, not even quietly pleading for it. You simply deserve it, and I want to give it to you. It doesn't feel like a chore.
you are kind and empathetic. That you said anything about my dog's passing, and offered to talk about it, and gave condolances was more than this other girl did. She asked what I did today. I said I put my dog down. She said "I'm going drinking on Thursday with Kenneth"
so yeah. You just... you just care more. And it feels like I can not only listen to the problems you have, but also feel heard. I hope I'm correct in feeling that
you listen so well. Not used to it :p
Me: I can bond with you.
Elijah: you can. I like that you can relate like that. That you can make connections. Not many people have that ability - a good strategy to help other people know they're listening.
it's nice. Means there's conversation rather than monologues
I dunno. I just find myself with people who are too concerned with themselves. You seem to have room in you to think about others, too. Rare, imo. I like that in you.
He likes a lot of things about me. Earlier, he said things like, I've got a cute smile, and I'm adorable and hot and stuff. It's not that he's hitting on me though, it's those friendly little compliments that I seem to appreciate more than feel like I'm being seen as an object - which is a really nice change.
Elijah: <3 you're doing really well with all your stuff you know
You seem like you've got coping strategies for the shit in your life, and you're handling your world pretty nicely, in the face of all that's behind you. It's admirable
I think you're special. I think you're quite an extraordinary individual. Modest and kind hearted, with shit going on that you're handling expertly. I think there's more to you that meets the eye, and I think you underestimate yourself greatly.
You're truly an individual. And I like that :3
(He's likes A LOT of things about me.)
I see no reason to not be nice to you. I like you. I think you're charming, witty, intelligent and very companionable. You're insightful and emotionally charged. For all that you've got your shit to deal with, you're handling it, and you make life work for you. You're positive and constructive, and cheerful. I think I like that most of all about you. That you're happy, or exude happiness, even if you're not always feeling it.
I hope to talk to him again today, he truly is an awesome person and an interesting individual.
Well, I truly must go because the sun is about to rise, and I think I really should get a little bit of sleep!
No, I didn't do anything. No, I did not wear green. No, I wasn't pinched.
Second; It seems the only thing I have been doing is keeping occupied on the computer by continuing to participate in CC (still no time for RP) and by posting and being active on PH (Plano Hogwarts - http://www.planohogwarts.com/). Of course, I still have to do the whole FarmVille, PetVille, Cafe World and Mafia Wars thing too.
Takes a lot out of my day!
Don't worry, I have been getting out of the house. I like going to the mall and annoying those who actually have jobs. (I want one, really, I swear.)
The thing I regret not doing is taking advantage of the fact that my sister still won't be back from Toronto visiting my aunt until Saturday afternoon, and I haven't seen my mother. It's sad, really, how much I could simply forget about my own mother. I don't mean to forget her, and it's not that I forget about her per se, I guess I just got lazy and don't really want to walk across town anymore to go see her. That, and everytime I see her, I feel like I want to die inside because I feel like I'm never doing any good for her, and showing up sometimes is just as bad as not showing up at all. But I know I can't come every day, especially when Tasha's there - she doesn't like me very much - yeah, her own sister - it's her choice; I tried to bond with her but it seems we really are just that different.
I've been so gapped out I haven't even bothered to do homework during the March Break - something that I always enjoy doing. I just don't feel like it.
In other news...
I have made new friends. Joshua and Elijah.
Joshua's a little wierd, and.. I don't like him very much, but I try my best to keep interested in what he has to say.. (it's really hard!) D:
But.. Elijah! It's like we're able to connect and bond so well. He's been through a lot, as have I. He recently had his 16 year old family dog, Kairos put down the other day (like the 16th). :( I know what that's like losing a pet. I've lost so many pets in my childhood. But anyways.. he's just the sweetest kid in the world.. kid.. I'm saying it as if he was a kid.. he's like early 20's. Anyway! This is what he had to say:
Elijah: It seems to me that you care deeply about the world outside you. That you've come through the ass-end of the horse and you can still love deeply, feel strongly, and you're not scarred beyond repair. That you find comfort in other people, and in the lives of those around you. I think it's part of what makes you feel human, knowing that you're one of many, and you're not alone because of it. You are light and cheerful, and understated. You're not grasping for attention, not even quietly pleading for it. You simply deserve it, and I want to give it to you. It doesn't feel like a chore.
you are kind and empathetic. That you said anything about my dog's passing, and offered to talk about it, and gave condolances was more than this other girl did. She asked what I did today. I said I put my dog down. She said "I'm going drinking on Thursday with Kenneth"
so yeah. You just... you just care more. And it feels like I can not only listen to the problems you have, but also feel heard. I hope I'm correct in feeling that
you listen so well. Not used to it :p
Me: I can bond with you.
Elijah: you can. I like that you can relate like that. That you can make connections. Not many people have that ability - a good strategy to help other people know they're listening.
it's nice. Means there's conversation rather than monologues
I dunno. I just find myself with people who are too concerned with themselves. You seem to have room in you to think about others, too. Rare, imo. I like that in you.
He likes a lot of things about me. Earlier, he said things like, I've got a cute smile, and I'm adorable and hot and stuff. It's not that he's hitting on me though, it's those friendly little compliments that I seem to appreciate more than feel like I'm being seen as an object - which is a really nice change.
Elijah: <3 you're doing really well with all your stuff you know
You seem like you've got coping strategies for the shit in your life, and you're handling your world pretty nicely, in the face of all that's behind you. It's admirable
I think you're special. I think you're quite an extraordinary individual. Modest and kind hearted, with shit going on that you're handling expertly. I think there's more to you that meets the eye, and I think you underestimate yourself greatly.
You're truly an individual. And I like that :3
(He's likes A LOT of things about me.)
I see no reason to not be nice to you. I like you. I think you're charming, witty, intelligent and very companionable. You're insightful and emotionally charged. For all that you've got your shit to deal with, you're handling it, and you make life work for you. You're positive and constructive, and cheerful. I think I like that most of all about you. That you're happy, or exude happiness, even if you're not always feeling it.
I hope to talk to him again today, he truly is an awesome person and an interesting individual.
Well, I truly must go because the sun is about to rise, and I think I really should get a little bit of sleep!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I love you?
I got into an argument over compliments today, with my friend Joel. I tried to tell him that no one compliments me unless they want an easy score, and they think they can get it with me. He says he always means it when he compliments someone, which is great, but before you think anything of it; it's nothing to be hopeful of, never going to happen.
What he doesn't seem to understand is that I wouldn't mind someone falling in love with me.
And not have a relationship with someone that's been basing everything on a lie.
What he doesn't seem to understand is that I wouldn't mind someone falling in love with me.
And not have a relationship with someone that's been basing everything on a lie.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Ugh.
You know that feeling you get when you feel like you're the only one in the world that's perfect for him, and he's perfect for you, and the whole world just feels so right?
Disregard that feeling now, because before you know it, although he might still be the one for you, he's found some other beauty on the shelf and he's already traded you in :(
Ladies, this is why I hate dating. I can't stand giving my heart to someone anymore and watch as they break it into tiny little pieces without any kind of sensitivity. And they know it hurts too, it's part of the game.
To those who thought they've never broken a heart, you've broken the most.
True fact, right there.
I think I've spent the most of my life single, and most of my moments have been unhappy, while I have tried all I could to make them happier. Single and Happy just don't do it themselves, or get done easily.
I just got a message from one of my friends, a little earlier. It read:
"Mellz. I love you. Thank you, for being a good friend to me. I can't even conceive how good of a lover you could have been."
Like, thanks. "I Could Have Been". But I'm not, and never will be.
Consider me bitter, or desperate, or whatever type of name you come up with, but instead of becoming this bitter old lady, or someone who has shut all love out of her life (which is actually happening) I wouldn't mind finding someone who doesn't just say they love me because they wouldn't mind using me for sex, or values my opinion, or wants to hold me just because, randomly steals kisses from me and tells me how beautiful I am.
I don't want to have to ask them what they want after that, because I know the answer to it. I want to be that one thing they can't stand to lose.
Might as well shut myself off to the world. I'm not going to get what I want anyway.
Disregard that feeling now, because before you know it, although he might still be the one for you, he's found some other beauty on the shelf and he's already traded you in :(
Ladies, this is why I hate dating. I can't stand giving my heart to someone anymore and watch as they break it into tiny little pieces without any kind of sensitivity. And they know it hurts too, it's part of the game.
To those who thought they've never broken a heart, you've broken the most.
True fact, right there.
I think I've spent the most of my life single, and most of my moments have been unhappy, while I have tried all I could to make them happier. Single and Happy just don't do it themselves, or get done easily.
I just got a message from one of my friends, a little earlier. It read:
"Mellz. I love you. Thank you, for being a good friend to me. I can't even conceive how good of a lover you could have been."
Like, thanks. "I Could Have Been". But I'm not, and never will be.
Consider me bitter, or desperate, or whatever type of name you come up with, but instead of becoming this bitter old lady, or someone who has shut all love out of her life (which is actually happening) I wouldn't mind finding someone who doesn't just say they love me because they wouldn't mind using me for sex, or values my opinion, or wants to hold me just because, randomly steals kisses from me and tells me how beautiful I am.
I don't want to have to ask them what they want after that, because I know the answer to it. I want to be that one thing they can't stand to lose.
Might as well shut myself off to the world. I'm not going to get what I want anyway.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Happy? Holidays?
The worst part about being a little too anti-social is that you tend to cringe during the holiday season.
I don't like the holiday season, and I find it wierd to be exchanging gifts. It's way too commercial, and people aren't celebrating togetherness and family anymore, they are betting on who gets the most expensive present.
So far, I feel alone. I'm so lonely it's not even funny.
I don't like the holiday season, and I find it wierd to be exchanging gifts. It's way too commercial, and people aren't celebrating togetherness and family anymore, they are betting on who gets the most expensive present.
So far, I feel alone. I'm so lonely it's not even funny.
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