I'm.. okay.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're just.. okay?
Like.. you feel safe and content and although you're not at that happy stage in your day.. you just feel.. okay.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.. I'm just.. okay.

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, The Hunger Games playing in the background on Netflix, S playing on the floor and blowing bubbles and slobber all over himself and I feel okay.

Oh.. who am I kidding? I'm at the point where I'm not trying to show any emotion. I'm holding on to everything I hold dear and I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and although I had already tied the knot and held on for dear life.. the loose ends are starting to sever, and my whole body feels like it's screaming for help, someone to save me.

Feeling this way scares me. It scares me because of how good I am at faking happiness. I'm so good that sometimes I fool myself. I can fool everyone. The only one that I know I can't fool is S.

It's like he knows everything. He can feel my pain.. how much I hurt. How much I question everything. How much I hate that he has to go through everything with just me. How much I hate that right now I can't give him the world. I'd give anything for him to have the perfect life.

I should stop for now. Finish watching the end of The Hunger Games, finish my coffee and try to regain my composure. 

Tips For Managing Home Life

This is a useful post, take it how you will - I thought I would post it because as much as I think I'm organized I have days where I slip and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, so this entry will be about tips for managing home life. ~

You might find it helpful to use a structure to help you stay on task and manage your responsibilities in a timely manner. For example, you might use time management techniques, like making lists or using day planners, to adhere to routines. These techniques can apply to household responsibilities as well as other aspects of life.

One of the tricks you can use to make sure you stay on track with your day-to-day household responsibilities is to try to estimate the amount of time tasks will take to complete. You can make this fun by turning tasks into a game; have a little bet with yourself about how long you think it will take to pick up the dry cleaning, or call your mother, for example. Then make a note of how long the activity really took, and plan for that amount of time in your schedule the next time you have to perform that task.

It is also important to plan for unexpected events or responsibilities. This is called contingency planning. It involves building extra time into your schedule for the unpredictable - things like traffic jams, last minute long distance phone calls, or a long line at the grocery store.

The key to effectively planning your time is to set attainable goals.

Set Your Goals

There are many ways to learn and develop skills to help keep your household and life in order. To excel at this, you should acknowledge these points:

• Develop realistic goals - do not set too many goals at once or goals that are impossible to meet
• Don't try to do it all on your own - obtain the support you need from other individuals or from support groups

An important part of accomplishing your goals is to know your endpoint and work toward it. Instead of just jumping into a project, approach it in a way that will optimize your ability to finish the job. Here are some tips.

• Use your natural tendencies to make daily tasks easier - or more interesting - make them fun! Involve friends, create games or challenges - anything you can to make the task seem less tedious and more fun
• Work with your mood. If you feel in the mood to organize - work with that. Start a project that you feel you are in the mood to tackle

Organizing yourself with a tool such as a day planner can help you arrange your time and resources so you can reach your goal. 

Use a Day Planner

One of the best tools you can use for managing home, work, or school is a day planner. Listed below are three guiding principles for using a day planner. If you've already tried to use a day planner and you found it didn't work, or have never used a day planner before, you may find this information helpful. 

1. Train yourself to have your day planner with you at all times. In order for this tool to work, you have to teach yourself to take it with you everywhere. 
2. Train yourself to write down everything in your day. Every event, every 'must do'. Even if you keep separate calendars for family and work events, social engagements, or medical appointments, use your day planner as your master calendar. 
3. Keep two main lists in your day planner - a 'must do' list and a 'master' list. Your 'must do' list acts as your personal assistant to remind you of your schedule for that day. You can even break down your 'must do' list into different sections - for example, tasks that can be done in the same place or at anytime during the day, and 'must do's' that can be done at a specific time, no matter what - like healthcare professional appointments or flight plans. 

Your 'master list' contains all the 'must do' items that, while important, are not critical for that day.

Hope this was helpful :) 

Achievement Unlocked: Acquire Internets.

It's true. I have the internet. 
I feel better now that I have it, but I'm not looking forward to the first bill. I don't think anyone really looks forward to the first bill. It's always hell. D: 

Since I never really had a social life in the first place, especially living in a hick town with no friends, this is kind of an improvement. At least I'll be able to relax and do what I want instead of sitting around and literally doing nothing... which I have been accustomed to doing...

So what did I do so far? Checked e-mails, deleted junk, updated Tumblr.. and messed around on Facebook. Nothing useful of course, but eventually I'll probably find something good to do. 

Til then. :3 

2012 is nearing it's end..

It's been a while since I wrote.. again.
But I feel the need to say a few things since only one person I actually know reads this, and then there's probably about a million faceless people that have been in tune with what I've been writing too.

I moved to a new small town in September and I have had many different experiences and met a few people that, truth be told, I wouldn't trust around my garbage.

I have been in a relationship I knew I would regret, but in a sense, now that I really look at it.. I don't regret it at all.

It's made me look at myself and my life in a whole new light. To him, all I have to say is "I look so good without you".

To my annoying neighbours, "I'd rather have haters say shit to my face than you fake ass bitches who talk behind my back."

To the 17-year-old girl that reminds me so much of me at that age. "Be careful, sweetie. There are people in this world that would love to see you fall. When you do, rise back up and show them who's better. But don't inflate your ego. And I know that awful excuse for a person used you and your feelings, but trust me, there is always people in this world that will always love you for you, and surrounding yourself with those people is the best thing you could do. Chin up, it's not over yet."

I died my hair, started doing my makeup and I see myself in a whole new light. I feel beautiful. I mean, somedays I still have my days.. we all know this. And I'll freak out and treat this more like an awful little journal again, and I'll regret writing certain things.. but now that 2012 is almost at it's end again.. I feel different.

There are so many things that have happened this year and I wouldn't change a single moment of those things because the more obstacles I'm faced with, the stronger my outcome is.

Yes, I still feel weak and vulnerable. Yes, I still have meltdowns. Yes, my shaking comes back a lot. Yes, I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks. Yes, I don't let anyone know about those things.

I don't tell anyone because I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that keeps me smiling everyday, the one thing that makes my heart sing with love even on the days when I feel like my whole world is breaking. My son.

He keeps me going. He's the reason why I have refused to give up on myself, and on my little family. He's the reason why I have figured a lot of stuff out and he's the reason why I am bettering myself everyday - he deserves to see a beautiful, wonderful mother and role model. And I deserve to be that for him.

As usual, my post didn't come out the way I thought it would, but I hope you get the point. I know my awful posts aren't behind me, but I hope you'll continue to read my journey, and I hope that you'll be able to see it all unfold, day by day.

P.S: To my loyal reader, I still read that blog. Every day, I check to see if there's something new - and to re-read old posts. I hope you'll keep it open. And to whoever it is that inspires you.. she's a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful, imaginative person like you around.

As always,

Southpaw Gypsy

I can't handle these nosy neighbors. Especially the one beside me who leaves her door open and never bothers to keep her nose out of anything. I'm so furious right now. Trying to tell me how to raise my son and that he should be quiet. He cries every 3 hours. He gets hungry. HE IS SIX MONTHS OLD. Oh my fuck.

An activity

Go to the Merriam-Webster Word of the Day Web Site (www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day), and write a story based on that word.

Numen

: a spiritual force or influence often identified with a natural object, phenomenon, or place

Read more at http://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day#Stx0CiGJIq1vx48Z.99

 

Selfconciousness and Stupidity

When you get into a relationship, you're supposed to be happy, right?

But tonight I'm not happy. The night before he left, he told me that he cheated on me when we dated when I was 18 because I didn't put out. He hesitated because he thought I was going to argue with him. I didn't argue, I laughed. And I laughed pretty hard. I think I was laughing because I was in shock.

Now, I just feel pathetic. I feel stupid for chasing him again. Now that I know he's cheated on me..
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I think I might have made a mistake.

You want to know what the worst thing is?

He texted me today that he had a long talk with his ex-girlfriend. He said that she was dolled up and that she looked like a cocktease. He also said that she looked good. That's another awful sign. I don't trust him. I feel like he's going to turn around and go back to her, even after all the crap she put him through.

But... what makes me think that she's going to go back with her is because she's beautiful. And she's skinny. But she's a psycho. And I don't know what to do.

How come I'm never good enough? He even told me to wear makeup, and when I did, he didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do? Is it because he thinks that makeup doesn't fix me?

I'm so self-concious right now. I don't know what I'm going to do.