Yes... more blogging!

So, if you didn't already know, I've been staying at my mother's for a while now, to help take care of her, since my little sister has not bothered to lately - and has since been enjoying herself and going out and partying and god knows what with her friends. My grandmother, the 1937 stuck-in-the-past woman that I have written about in posts earlier, had called me several days ago to tell me that the superintendent was furious with me. Confused, I asked her what I might have done. She said that he said that I have left several carts in the hallway and that I blocked the garbage chute with a bag of garbage. What I don't seem to understand is how I could have a twin somehow living at my grandmother's and personally causing this damage, considering these things happened while at my mother's. I cannot be at two places at once. So far, to my knowledge, cloning has happened only with sheep.

She said that, upon giving me his cell phone number, which I had pretended to write down, if I don't call him and apologize, that I would find myself kicked out of her apartment. Firstly, there is no way I am apologizing for a crime that I haven't committed. I refuse to. Completely.

So, the old woman kicked me out. I am staying at my mother's, which she, my mother, has no problem with, and in fact thought that I was going to do so anyway. The only one that most likely has a problem with this is my sister, and considering that they already have enough trouble getting by, it's not logical to simply invite another mouth to feed.

My mother wishes that I would get a job, so that I could save up enough money to get a place of my own. However, I have looked for employment and North Bay does not have any jobs available. And if they are available, they are usually presented to family and friends of the business first, and then if there are still spots, they give it to the most qualified applicant. I am not qualified in anything, this is the issue. I'm inexperienced in basically anything, and even though I am more than ready to accept and follow through with any training, still no luck. Had I been looking for a job when I was 15, maybe I would have a better selection to choose from, and had had the experience I would have needed after 4 years.

"You're still writing?" Sarah asked me while she was browsing through more blogs and stumbling upon things on Stumble Upon. Yes, I write a lot when I feel inspired about something. You inspired me to update more, on the same day by telling me to write about how my grandmother kicked me out. Now, I'm writing about all kinds of things, which I don't really mind writing about because at least it's writing about something. Okay, now I'm just rambling.

I am quite happy that I am staying another night at Sarah's. Although she does have the privilege of the internet, she's great company and makes me laugh constantly. She's a great friend, and I'm lucky to PMS with her. Haha.

A good link.

I recently stumbled upon a picture that I have stumbled upon quite often throughout the years and I thought I might as well post it, just cause I feel that more people should see this picture.

Michael; throughout 16 months.. (:

Michael!

Sarah asked me why I didn't have a photo of Mikey on my blog. I just didn't know if she wanted me to post pictures of her child.. lol. So this is Mikey, the most adorable handsome, sweetie that I've ever met. 

LOVE YOU MIKEY (:

Some pictures.

This is Zola. Meagan's daughter. I believe she is 6 months, Meagan gave me another photo to update.

This is Carissa Rose. Angie's baby girl. She is also 6 months. I babysit her sometimes. She loves to laugh and be held.

This is a photo of Memere and Carissa Rose. It took me so long to get her to look at the camera on my phone. She started fussing soon after this was taken.

I had a photo opportunity while feeding Carissa. I think this is the cutest photo I have so far.

This was taken during the last trip to the mall with my friend Katelyn(left) and I(right). She found these funky glasses in a basket at San Diego. It was near the silicone stress boobs. xD

Photo of Katelyn with the glasses. The boobs are in the background. lol

Photo I took of the sunset across from No Frills on Lakeshore in North Bay. I thought it was pretty.

Hopefully a happier post.

Excuse my earlier post from earlier this morning. I guess I was getting a little depressed and bitchy and had to get it out somehow.
I guess that's why I have this blog, which is turning out more to be a journal than anything else.
I'm sitting on Sarah's bed with her and she noticed I was updating my blogger. I now have another follower. That's a count for a grand total of two followers. I feel special.
Hey, at least after all these years I have a couple friends on Blogger. YAY.

*does happy dance*

I don't know. I feel happy. More like, I feel at home. Comfortable.
It's been a while since I have felt safe.

I'm also wearing blue jeans and bare feet. I bet they smell just dandy too. Looking at them, I've realized that I need a pedicure of some sorts. Or at least some toe polish. Or nail polish remover. Something. The nail polish is wearing off and it looks like I bite my toe nails. Well, bite the toe polish off.

Anyway..

I am staying at Sarah's another night. I hope my mother is alright with this.. I don't know her current conditions and I'm praying that her spirit is good, along with her day. I also hope that my younger sister, Tasha, came home from doing her laundry last night, in hopes that she could take care of her while I'm away.
I kind of needed a vacation from the stress anyway.

Her son is running around all over the place and back and forth, just a giggling away. He's so cute!

I know it's a too late for a new year's resolution but now that people can see what I'm writing, I really would like to have more positive posts. I know I have treated this blog as a journal more or less over the period of time that I've had it, but I really, truly believe that if people are going to receive my updates, I'd rather they receive more positive ones than whatever emo crap that comes out of my butt.

I'm sitting on the bed, and because I don't have a mouse pad for my mouse, and my mouse thing from my laptop doesn't work, the cursor is moving all over the place because the bed is moving. I find this a little amusing. Forgive me. I'm a little easily amused.

I've written a lot today, and I'm not quite sure why. My father sent me his address over facebook, and I really want to go see him - but with mom and her does-whatever-it-wants cancer is holding me down.
I do not blame my mother for having cancer, I blame the cancer for taking over my mother and preventing me from travelling and doing the things I love most.

I don't have many friends in my hometown. Born in Montreal, I left 3 weeks after to be raised in good old North Bay, population completely wrong on the welcome sign.
I've been here since then, and my last birthday was on April 21st, I am 19.

It's been since 2001, my mother has had Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma - with both branches of Mycosis Fungoides and Sezary Syndrome. According to doctors, she's the longest survivor of this particular cancer, and for that I am proud. Almost 10 years.

I want to travel so badly, but I fear if I leave this town, she will die and I will never forgive myself for not being there when I should have been. I told her a few weeks ago that I desperately wanted to speak to my father in person, and I plan on traveling those 1700 miles to do so. Her answer? "Wait until the cancer is gone."

She won't say, "Wait until I've passed away" even though she knows that her type of cancer won't just simply disappear. She's got blood cancer, in the most simpliest of explanations and it does not go away until you do.

Okay, I think that's all the typing I will do today. Mikey dumped his toy microphone in my coffee and it stopped saying: "Sing with me!" but the lights still seem to be functioning. I'm turning on my phone and I'm going to upload some pictures that have been sent to my phone, or that have been taken. Not sure whether or not I'm going to write anything more than what they contain. We will see.

Now, on to some picture posting!


-Melly.

...Fuck.

I know I haven't written here in a while, and with good reason. I don't have the internet. Simple enough. However, I did say I would post all the entries I have written on the computer. I bought a journal that I could write with while I didn't have my laptop handy, or when my mother, grandmother or anyone else I was around could see that I wasn't on it all the damn time. I've been trying to write in it as much as I can, but sometimes I let days, mostly weeks go by without writing a single thing inside. Most of the time I'm simply just not in the mood to write. I've been so depressed lately that I've given up on the things I enjoy most - including writing. I hardly read anymore. Most of the time if I do read it's books that are as depressing as my state of mind. I always told people that nothing was wrong, that I was perfectly fine and that I could handle anything. Most of the people that I've met recently think I'm super woman or something. That the things that have happened to me seem to not affect me in the slightest. I'm just this happy-go-lucky smiling person and that nothing will ever hurt me. Truth is, it's getting harder and harder to hold up this lie. I'm hurting so bad inside that it's deeply showing on the outside. I've stopped eating on my own now - Mom has to force me to put something in my mouth. I think of nothing but drowning myself in alcohol.. maybe I shouldn't be putting this on here. I know I have a follower and I know he might be reading this.
I don't want him to know that I'm crumbling into pieces and that I don't know who to ask because I don't know who to trust anymore. You can't trust anyone. I've had therapists that have told my mother everything. I can't run from the past, I know this. But I don't want my past to affect my future - to do exactly what it's doing - crumbling me up into a billion pieces that could possibly kill me, or have me killed. Either or, whatever is the easiest I suppose.


Damn. I forgot that those entries were on my flash drive. I guess I'll have to wait until the next time..