Morning, Bloggers.

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I thought I would re-update considering I apparently have a follower (thanks Bryan!) on my blog. I should have woken up earlier to write this. I don't know exactly how much time I have left to post this before I am yelled at to wake up right away and show up in her bedroom and just stand there like an idiot... before she gives me something to do. I'd rather have a job - this servant work joke is getting kind of old.

How do I feel this morning? Tired.
I'm tired, I feel sick, and I am so frustrated because of the kitten and her dog. They like to jump all over me at all hours of the night, so I never get any sleep anyway, and I end up waking up with marks all over me like I was some kind of jungle gym. Ugh. Right now, the kitten is tearing apart some kind of mattress, and I wish she'd stay quiet. I don't want her to be woken up before she has to. I want a little more time to myself.

Wow! I just now logged into Facebook, and it seems that my old penpal, Carmen, who've I corresponded only in e-mails with ( so I still haven't received an actual letter) messaged me on facebook. This is... well I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet... I only just remember her name.. oh well. I guess now I'll find out - now that she's my friend on Facebook.

In other news, my stomach has begun to hurt, and I'm afraid I'll be going home AFTER supper now. I'm more afraid that I won't be going home at all. We've gone back to North Bay so many times that I had hoped they'd drop me off, at least somewhere in town, and I could walk. So, fingers crossed, I go home today.

Chances are, if I don't post in a while, that means I'm home. There is no internet at my grandmother's unfortunately. Which means, if I bother to write, it will be on Word and I'll have to copy and paste next time I am able to blog again.

Btw, since I've been reading my friend's live journal, I've realized in some way, we match, just like he said. But these things are all negative. Maybe some day I'll find a positive. In some strange way, I'm glad he knows about me, and get updates on my life. I've given him myself, in some strange way, I've given him me - raw, uncovered - my journal, the most private, or only private thing I have; who cares if it's on the internet. I know it's bound to have been stumbled upon (I love that site) by random strangers in the long run. But to have someone I know (or somewhat know) read it.. to me that takes guts, cause I'm generally not writing to an audience.

I'm afraid because now that I know someone's potentially watching, I won't uncover things that I need to uncover. I won't be as honest, and I won't pour my heart into it like I usually do. Although I know that most of my posts haven't looked to have had any thought at all.. I try my best. And in saying so, I'll end this morning post because I'm tired, I feel sick, emotionally drained and I'd give anything to fall back asleep and wake up with coffee and a bowl of cereal. Or even toast.

Stupid people.

What does the diabetic do when she's trying to cut down on sugar? Have a doughnut.

Over the last few weeks, I have developed a very low tolerance for a few different people. Now, please understand that I'm a bigger person myself, but I do not blame my weight for my inability to do things. To be quite honest, I am capable to do almost everything, despite being overweight/obese.

I strongly dislike those who blame their weight for their inability to do normal things. Like this one woman, who says: "I can't even walk to the mailbox and back because of my weight." She's not even trying to lose weight, because what will make her lose weight is WALKING TO THE MAILBOX.

Another favorite:
"I don't eat as much in a meal as I used to because I'm watching my weight." Listen, lady. You might eat a normal person meal for supper, but you eat 6 donuts, a pound of sunflower seeds, an entire jumbo bag of chips, chocolate and like a whole bunch of pop before you go to bed. Had you bothered to listen to me and eat at least 3 meals a day, you wouldn't be making yourself fatter. Instead, you eat when you're hungry - which is usually only at supper - making me starve all day because I can't eat until you do...

Ugh.

This place is total hell. I'm a loner, always have been. I like being alone. I have always been left alone, and I seem to find it peaceful, calm like that. But it seems that she's not happy unless I'm constantly there, doing stuff for her, fetching stuff for her. And then she'll complain, every day, later on in the day, that she "likes her privacy and her alone time". What about me? I'm 19, do I not deserve to be left alone at least for one day? She's taking advantage of me, and I strongly dislike it.

Another thing, she's constantly telling me to get a backbone. But when I do, she screeches at me. I swear, I'm going crazy. She's always talking about my family and how she's grateful she's never needing to deal with them again, and how horrible they are, and how they do this, and they do that... have you realized in that retarded fucking head of yours that I might be PART OF THAT FAMILY? Idiot.

You gave away your youngest child because you "just couldn't take the stress and all the damage it's causing on her nerves and because of her weight" blah blah blah.
Listen. You gave up your child because you just couldn't take the fact that you need to exercise and lose weight and be a mother to your child. It's not about you, it's about the child, and you're too much of an idiot to figure that out, apparently.

Ugh. Stupid people piss me off.

I'm done for now. Sometimes I wish she got run over. But I'm afraid she would be like a doorstop to a door, won't be able to roll under.

....

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and she asked me what was wrong.
Naturally, I told her nothing was wrong; although she knew something was, she didn't ask any more questions.
She recently found out she's pregnant.
I'm extremely happy for her - only problem I have is I'm the only one out of all my friends that aren't pregnant.
It seems that everyone that I know has found that special someone, able to start a family and start a wonderful life together. But me.

Some updates.

I've been blogging for a long time, but I just recently read up on why people blog. I don't think that people I know actually read what I'm writing, but I found blogging to be more like keeping a journal than anything. I would rather put my words out in the open where the internet can read them, rather than having my family read them. (Most of my family know how to use the internet – excluding my grandmother and anyone else past 40). My family don't even know that I keep a blog/journal over the internet anyway. They mostly believe that I've randomly stopped writing. Truth is, it's hard to keep a journal when everyone just goes and reads it anyway. Where's the privacy in all that? It's a sad day when one admits that the internet holds more privacy in things than one's own family.

A lot, actually. I really can't stand my grandmother any longer. It's hard to put up with someone that's been around since 1937, and continues to have the same mentality as if times haven't changed. It's not all that healthy to live with a 73 year old woman, as a 19 year old young woman. We don't see eye to eye, naturally. Plus, what good is it to be sharing a small bachelor apartment? She gets the bedroom, of course, while I get stuck sleeping on the couch. She doesn't like me sleeping on the couch, because she thinks I'm ruining it. However, she spends all day sleeping on it, so the couch is constantly being used. The unfair part is that she can sleep in her bed if she needs to take a nap or something.

I've had to get rid of a lot of my things to accommodate her. I've gotten rid of pictures, random knick-knacks, clothes, most of my writing, CD's, etc., just to please her and to take less place in the apartment. She still believes I still have too many things, and I have a total of 3 drawers of clothing, a large plastic tupperware box of things, and one box of random things that are needed for school and such. I'm living like a gypsy, ready to go at a moment's notice.

She says that she needs me, yet, at least twice a week she tells me she doesn't. No matter what I do, it's so hard to please her. She's got her head shoved so far up her butt, nothing will suffice. I pay her rent – approximately 500 dollars a month – and it's still not good enough.

I've started to leave a lot now, because it's hard to stick around her, the way she is. I still pay her rent, of course. Yet, it's never good enough for her. It's like, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I can't read minds, and I can't perform miracles. I'm not wonder woman, I'm a 19 year old girl trying to graduate from high school, so I can go off to college and start my life.

Speaking of college, I still have no idea what I really want to do. All I know is that I'm pretty good in the social work field, so I think that's the direction I'll be taking. At least temporarily. I need to be somewhere that I know what I'm doing, and that I'm capable of doing a good job. I can't be somewhere that I know I won't enjoy what I do, and that I'm only there for the money. It's certainly not fair to the people around me, or potential clients; makes me feel selfish and self-centered.

Oh well. I suppose this is enough for now.

I'll talk soon.

- Mellie

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St. Patrick's Day & What I've been up to lately

First of all; Happy late St.Patrick's Day.
No, I didn't do anything. No, I did not wear green. No, I wasn't pinched.

Second; It seems the only thing I have been doing is keeping occupied on the computer by continuing to participate in CC (still no time for RP) and by posting and being active on PH (Plano Hogwarts - http://www.planohogwarts.com/). Of course, I still have to do the whole FarmVille, PetVille, Cafe World and Mafia Wars thing too.
Takes a lot out of my day!

Don't worry, I have been getting out of the house. I like going to the mall and annoying those who actually have jobs. (I want one, really, I swear.)
The thing I regret not doing is taking advantage of the fact that my sister still won't be back from Toronto visiting my aunt until Saturday afternoon, and I haven't seen my mother. It's sad, really, how much I could simply forget about my own mother. I don't mean to forget her, and it's not that I forget about her per se, I guess I just got lazy and don't really want to walk across town anymore to go see her. That, and everytime I see her, I feel like I want to die inside because I feel like I'm never doing any good for her, and showing up sometimes is just as bad as not showing up at all. But I know I can't come every day, especially when Tasha's there - she doesn't like me very much - yeah, her own sister - it's her choice; I tried to bond with her but it seems we really are just that different.

I've been so gapped out I haven't even bothered to do homework during the March Break - something that I always enjoy doing. I just don't feel like it.

In other news...

I have made new friends. Joshua and Elijah.

Joshua's a little wierd, and.. I don't like him very much, but I try my best to keep interested in what he has to say.. (it's really hard!) D:

But.. Elijah! It's like we're able to connect and bond so well. He's been through a lot, as have I. He recently had his 16 year old family dog, Kairos put down the other day (like the 16th). :( I know what that's like losing a pet. I've lost so many pets in my childhood. But anyways.. he's just the sweetest kid in the world.. kid.. I'm saying it as if he was a kid.. he's like early 20's. Anyway! This is what he had to say:

Elijah: It seems to me that you care deeply about the world outside you. That you've come through the ass-end of the horse and you can still love deeply, feel strongly, and you're not scarred beyond repair. That you find comfort in other people, and in the lives of those around you. I think it's part of what makes you feel human, knowing that you're one of many, and you're not alone because of it. You are light and cheerful, and understated. You're not grasping for attention, not even quietly pleading for it. You simply deserve it, and I want to give it to you. It doesn't feel like a chore.
you are kind and empathetic. That you said anything about my dog's passing, and offered to talk about it, and gave condolances was more than this other girl did. She asked what I did today. I said I put my dog down. She said "I'm going drinking on Thursday with Kenneth"
so yeah. You just... you just care more. And it feels like I can not only listen to the problems you have, but also feel heard. I hope I'm correct in feeling that
you listen so well. Not used to it :p
Me: I can bond with you.
Elijah: you can. I like that you can relate like that. That you can make connections. Not many people have that ability - a good strategy to help other people know they're listening.
it's nice. Means there's conversation rather than monologues
I dunno. I just find myself with people who are too concerned with themselves. You seem to have room in you to think about others, too. Rare, imo. I like that in you.

He likes a lot of things about me. Earlier, he said things like, I've got a cute smile, and I'm adorable and hot and stuff. It's not that he's hitting on me though, it's those friendly little compliments that I seem to appreciate more than feel like I'm being seen as an object - which is a really nice change.

Elijah: <3 you're doing really well with all your stuff you know
You seem like you've got coping strategies for the shit in your life, and you're handling your world pretty nicely, in the face of all that's behind you. It's admirable
I think you're special. I think you're quite an extraordinary individual. Modest and kind hearted, with shit going on that you're handling expertly. I think there's more to you that meets the eye, and I think you underestimate yourself greatly.
You're truly an individual. And I like that :3

(He's likes A LOT of things about me.)

I see no reason to not be nice to you. I like you. I think you're charming, witty, intelligent and very companionable. You're insightful and emotionally charged. For all that you've got your shit to deal with, you're handling it, and you make life work for you. You're positive and constructive, and cheerful. I think I like that most of all about you. That you're happy, or exude happiness, even  if you're not always feeling it.

I hope to  talk to him again today, he truly is an awesome person and an interesting individual.

Well, I truly must go because the sun is about to rise, and I think I really should get a little bit of sleep!

I love you?

I got into an argument over compliments today, with my friend Joel. I tried to tell him that no one compliments me unless they want an easy score, and they think they can get it with me. He says he always means it when he compliments someone, which is great, but before you think anything of it; it's nothing to be hopeful of, never going to happen.

What he doesn't seem to understand is that I wouldn't mind someone falling in love with me.
And not have a relationship with someone that's been basing everything on a lie.