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St. Patrick's Day & What I've been up to lately

First of all; Happy late St.Patrick's Day.
No, I didn't do anything. No, I did not wear green. No, I wasn't pinched.

Second; It seems the only thing I have been doing is keeping occupied on the computer by continuing to participate in CC (still no time for RP) and by posting and being active on PH (Plano Hogwarts - http://www.planohogwarts.com/). Of course, I still have to do the whole FarmVille, PetVille, Cafe World and Mafia Wars thing too.
Takes a lot out of my day!

Don't worry, I have been getting out of the house. I like going to the mall and annoying those who actually have jobs. (I want one, really, I swear.)
The thing I regret not doing is taking advantage of the fact that my sister still won't be back from Toronto visiting my aunt until Saturday afternoon, and I haven't seen my mother. It's sad, really, how much I could simply forget about my own mother. I don't mean to forget her, and it's not that I forget about her per se, I guess I just got lazy and don't really want to walk across town anymore to go see her. That, and everytime I see her, I feel like I want to die inside because I feel like I'm never doing any good for her, and showing up sometimes is just as bad as not showing up at all. But I know I can't come every day, especially when Tasha's there - she doesn't like me very much - yeah, her own sister - it's her choice; I tried to bond with her but it seems we really are just that different.

I've been so gapped out I haven't even bothered to do homework during the March Break - something that I always enjoy doing. I just don't feel like it.

In other news...

I have made new friends. Joshua and Elijah.

Joshua's a little wierd, and.. I don't like him very much, but I try my best to keep interested in what he has to say.. (it's really hard!) D:

But.. Elijah! It's like we're able to connect and bond so well. He's been through a lot, as have I. He recently had his 16 year old family dog, Kairos put down the other day (like the 16th). :( I know what that's like losing a pet. I've lost so many pets in my childhood. But anyways.. he's just the sweetest kid in the world.. kid.. I'm saying it as if he was a kid.. he's like early 20's. Anyway! This is what he had to say:

Elijah: It seems to me that you care deeply about the world outside you. That you've come through the ass-end of the horse and you can still love deeply, feel strongly, and you're not scarred beyond repair. That you find comfort in other people, and in the lives of those around you. I think it's part of what makes you feel human, knowing that you're one of many, and you're not alone because of it. You are light and cheerful, and understated. You're not grasping for attention, not even quietly pleading for it. You simply deserve it, and I want to give it to you. It doesn't feel like a chore.
you are kind and empathetic. That you said anything about my dog's passing, and offered to talk about it, and gave condolances was more than this other girl did. She asked what I did today. I said I put my dog down. She said "I'm going drinking on Thursday with Kenneth"
so yeah. You just... you just care more. And it feels like I can not only listen to the problems you have, but also feel heard. I hope I'm correct in feeling that
you listen so well. Not used to it :p
Me: I can bond with you.
Elijah: you can. I like that you can relate like that. That you can make connections. Not many people have that ability - a good strategy to help other people know they're listening.
it's nice. Means there's conversation rather than monologues
I dunno. I just find myself with people who are too concerned with themselves. You seem to have room in you to think about others, too. Rare, imo. I like that in you.

He likes a lot of things about me. Earlier, he said things like, I've got a cute smile, and I'm adorable and hot and stuff. It's not that he's hitting on me though, it's those friendly little compliments that I seem to appreciate more than feel like I'm being seen as an object - which is a really nice change.

Elijah: <3 you're doing really well with all your stuff you know
You seem like you've got coping strategies for the shit in your life, and you're handling your world pretty nicely, in the face of all that's behind you. It's admirable
I think you're special. I think you're quite an extraordinary individual. Modest and kind hearted, with shit going on that you're handling expertly. I think there's more to you that meets the eye, and I think you underestimate yourself greatly.
You're truly an individual. And I like that :3

(He's likes A LOT of things about me.)

I see no reason to not be nice to you. I like you. I think you're charming, witty, intelligent and very companionable. You're insightful and emotionally charged. For all that you've got your shit to deal with, you're handling it, and you make life work for you. You're positive and constructive, and cheerful. I think I like that most of all about you. That you're happy, or exude happiness, even  if you're not always feeling it.

I hope to  talk to him again today, he truly is an awesome person and an interesting individual.

Well, I truly must go because the sun is about to rise, and I think I really should get a little bit of sleep!

I love you?

I got into an argument over compliments today, with my friend Joel. I tried to tell him that no one compliments me unless they want an easy score, and they think they can get it with me. He says he always means it when he compliments someone, which is great, but before you think anything of it; it's nothing to be hopeful of, never going to happen.

What he doesn't seem to understand is that I wouldn't mind someone falling in love with me.
And not have a relationship with someone that's been basing everything on a lie.

Ugh.

You know that feeling you get when you feel like you're the only one in the world that's perfect for him, and he's perfect for you, and the whole world just feels so right?
Disregard that feeling now, because before you know it, although he might still be the one for you, he's found some other beauty on the shelf and he's already traded you in :(

Ladies, this is why I hate dating. I can't stand giving my heart to someone anymore and watch as they break it into tiny little pieces without any kind of sensitivity. And they know it hurts too, it's part of the game.

To those who thought they've never broken a heart, you've broken the most.

True fact, right there.

I think I've spent the most of my life single, and most of my moments have been unhappy, while I have tried all I could to make them happier. Single and Happy just don't do it themselves, or get done easily.

I just got a message from one of my friends, a little earlier. It read:

"Mellz. I love you. Thank you, for being a good friend to me. I can't even conceive how good of a lover you could have been."

Like, thanks. "I Could Have Been". But I'm not, and never will be.

Consider me bitter, or desperate, or whatever type of name you come up with, but instead of becoming this bitter old lady, or someone who has shut all love out of her life (which is actually happening) I wouldn't mind finding someone who doesn't just say they love me because they wouldn't mind using me for sex, or values my opinion, or wants to hold me just because, randomly steals kisses from me and tells me how beautiful I am.

I don't want to have to ask them what they want after that, because I know the answer to it. I want to be that one thing they can't stand to lose.

Might as well shut myself off to the world. I'm not going to get what I want anyway.

Happy? Holidays?

The worst part about being a little too anti-social is that you tend to cringe during the holiday season.
I don't like the holiday season, and I find it wierd to be exchanging gifts. It's way too commercial, and people aren't celebrating togetherness and family anymore, they are betting on who gets the most expensive present.

So far, I feel alone. I'm so lonely it's not even funny.

Day 4- New School.

So it's been a whole week since I've changed schools.
Okay, so it's only been since Tuesday, but nothing happened on Monday anyway.
How did my first week go?
I thought it would go better than it has. Nothing happens here, and I always end up saying something wrong. Memere read my journal, and proceeded to tell me how I'm just like my uncle because apparently I don't care. Well, that hit a nerve. A pretty big nerve, actually.

Weekend.

I thought I would write you about my weekend, in short form. Later in other posts, I will be able to explain the entire story about my mother, for those who wish to know. If anyone reads this, of course and has any questions, I would be happy to answer them: mellycious.massacre@live.ca.

My weekend started on Thursday. On this particular day, I wake up sick. Like, I mean, ridiculous flu sick. My grandmother believes that I’m faking my sneezing too, because it’s like this, oh nvm. So anyways, I end up having to work for her, but then by noon, she’s driving me up the wall so I ask her to go see my mom finally, to get the news out of her. I got the news, and ended up staying there all night. And, Friday, I got a call from my grandmother saying it’s about time I come home. So I did. She made up this excuse that there was stuff for me to do, and when I walked back there and asked, she had nothing for me to do. So I wrote all night, and went back to sleep on the floor. Saturday Morning, I went back to my mom’s, only to find her in extreme pain. So one of her 459849584 nurses assessed her and called the ambulance. Man, I love paramedics. Anyways, so we get to the hospital, wait a few hours for the doctor to tell me it’s just water retention and give us water pills, which I ended up having to walk across town for. I stay at her house with her, and care for her in between the nurses. Saturday night is unbearable. She’s in pain, crying in her sleep. She started wailing every time her foot fell off the hospital bed, because it was twisting her knee joint. So I spent all night, sitting on her coffee table, RIGHT beside her to move her feet closer to the center of the bed before it went off the bed again. 18 times, she started crying. When I went into the kitchen to find something to keep me awake, she moved again. It was like; she was doing it on purpose to make me stay close again.


Sunday morning, her leg was worse, naturally, so again one of the nurses assessed her again and called the ambulance. We waited longer at the hospital, and by the time the doctor had come she was in a bed and I was sleeping in the same bed with her –for 3 hours. They gave her an IV this time, with an anti-biotic that wouldn’t interfere with her Gabapentin, Vorinostat and her Amitriptyline and her Morphine pump, whom she named “George/Buddy”, and sent her home again. I’m following up with her tonight, to see how the second IV is working on her.

This was the shortest version I could write. Please, if you have any questions, comments or just want to say hi, remember to email me. Happy to hear from you!