Cipralex

Today I actually took the steps to actually get help - the help that I have been hopelessly avoiding for over 10 years.
I know it's one thing to think about the steps to take and another to actually take those steps and for once, for myself, I took that first step into helping myself.. even a little bit.
A lot of my workers have been telling me over the past week that I have suffered more loss in my life than anyone can humanly handle. They tell me that the loss isn't even about the deaths I've witnessed, it's about the losses I've faced in most everything I've ever experienced. It's funny in a way, because they only know a quarter of my story.. if they knew it all they probably would be amazed at (how I've managed to even just survive) or how I haven't decided to kill myself already.
I talked to the doctor about my depression I haven't been able to handle for years, and my continuing and growing social anxieties that I have been trying so desperately to hide (and I've been almost successful for the most part).
She gave me Cipralex. I don't know what to think of it.. took my first one at 7 pm tonight.
Ended up sleeping for 2 hours about a half hour after I took it, and then I had diarrhea. TMI, I know.. but I didn't think the side effects would have started so quickly. With it being passed midnight now, I'm still tired. I have a little bit of a headache and I'm a little hungry. No sign of nausea or anything like that yet, and I don't feel any different. Maybe slightly a little more down then usual, but isn't that something that I should expect to feel? It's only the first day and they do tell me that it does take 2-3 weeks for it to really take effect so.. I have time, I suppose.

I don't know how many times I will be able to update on what's up with me, but I will try to as much as I can. I know it's been a long time since I have posted anything, but I just want you to know that I'm finally listening to myself and maybe this could be a positive step to a better me.

Keeping positive, or trying to.

Much love, Southpaw Gypsy

I'm tired of being the fat, funny girl.

I saw this post on a site I was looking at after googling on the internet if there were just ANYONE like me that was just so tired of looking in the mirror and feeling just so disgusted. No matter how much I can fool myself some days into thinking I'm pretty or I look beautiful, it just isn't so - and I know it too.

I think about getting surgery done every night - sometimes when I wake up and all day long after that. I think about how much it would cost me to lose weight and how much I was willing to sacrifice to get what I want. As a single mother, convenience is something that's almost required when thinking about myself (which is something I rarely get to do, regardless) and convenience isn't part of the working hard to "achieve weight loss success" in any way.

Before I stray too far into what I wanted to say, here's the post that I so desperately need to share with you.

What It's Really Like For The Fat Girl

Most people will never understand what it’s really like for someone who carries extra weight around with them their whole lives. I am prepared to share the complete, brutal, admittedly terrible truth with anyone who will listen to me on this day. Allow me to answer: “What is life really like for the fat girl?”   We can begin with the most obvious…appearance. You stare wistfully at your reflection in the mirror. No matter which angle you turn, you just don’t quite look right. The features on your face, no matter how beautiful they may be, are dwarfed by the extra fat you carry in your face. Your eyes, which may be wide and lovely, look small and particularly deep set in your skull. Your stunning high cheekbones; hidden in totality by the layers of tissue covering them. Your chin; pronounced, is a buoy floating on the sea that is your double chin. You can apply makeup, and help make yourself look better to a certain degree, but you know that no one is going to compliment your shade of lipstick today. The rest of your body is a mishmash of lumps and bumps, protrusions and strange angles that you know you simply cannot hide, regardless of what you wear.   Your desperation turns to panic as you raid your closet and realize that you have nothing decent to wear. Your panic escalates to heart failure as you remember that you won’t be able to find anything to wear…ever. The pants you own hug your belly, butt and thighs as if the cloth itself were holding on for dear life. The shirts you don only seem to accentuate your spare tire and bring attention to your ever-expanding waist. You realize this is as good as its gonna get and vow to avoid mirrors for the remainder of the day.   You leave for work. As soon as you exert yourself in the simplest way you begin to leak copious amounts of sweat from pores you didn’t even know you had. You are constantly plagued by this problem, and try to move as little as possible, because you know if you do, you’ll start to sweat again, and everyone will see it. If the bathroom, supply room, lunch room, whatever is downstairs you will put off going for as long as possible because you know that the simple climb up those stairs will cause those telltale beads of sweat to form along your brow…the one’s that scream “Look at the fatty, she cant even climb a flight of stairs without breaking into a sweat!!!”   You eat your lunch. Regardless of what you decide to have, you know that people are silently judging you. Salad or pizza, everyone is either thinking, “She should NOT be eating that” or “How pathetic, like a salad is going to fix THAT problem”. In addition, you struggle with your own guilt and self-loathing. If you pick the salad, you will be tortured with the smells of that penne a la vodka wafting off your friend’s plate. If you pick the pasta, you beat yourself up and don’t enjoy a single bite of it. Either way, you loose.   You go shopping. You dare not even attempt to walk into most of the stores in the mall. You have tried it before and were immediately put to shame by the disapproving glances of the sales people or your fellow shoppers. You realize that the largest size they carry is a 12, and since you are a 28, there is no way that is happening. Sadness overwhelms you when you realize all you can buy in the vast majorities of stores are socks, shoes, and earrings. You make your way to the “big girls” store and walk in, shameful, hoping no one saw you. Your heart aches as you ponder the wares being offered to you. Bottoms that are ill fitting and make you look twice as heavy as you are. Tops that are just as ill fitting that make you feel like you are wearing a garbage bag with holes cut out for the head and arms. Everything offered is in garish colors like lime green or neon pink. The materials used are cheap polyester blends that just intensify your own body heat and will make you (surprise!!) sweat like a pig. You may find a few items that could potentially look OK on you and you say a prayer as you take them to the fitting room. As you try these items on you are not surprised by the result. You look fat…and the clothes only make it that much worse. Of course you need pants and sweaters, so you buy the closest thing to “ok” that you can find. Naturally you pay more for these items than your thinner counterparts because the stores know you only have one or two retailers to choose from, so if they charge 60.00 for a pair of basic black slacks…you are gonna have to pay it. No $10.00 items for you fatty!   You go out with your friends. While your thin girlfriends get drink after drink bought for them, you bear the shame of reaching into your wallet over and over again. While they attract positive attention, flirt shamelessly, steal kisses and get numbers you hover near the bar, pull at your ill-fitting clothing and wish you were invisible. If by chance some guy happens to pay you some attention you now its one of three things…Either; the guy is not someone that you would want to be with, they are super drunk and rocking beer goggles, or it’s the work of the super hot guy who is trying to bed your thin friends wingman. Sure, it could be just a guy who likes bigger girls…but come on, who the heck are we kidding?   You know deep down that you will never attract the kind of guy you would want to be with long term. That perfect guy, who is fit and handsome, has a great job and a great personality, who is funny and witty, who has great friends and a great family, who you would be proud to have on your arm and who will treat you right. That decent guy is out there, and although he would never be mean to you because he is far to kind, and although he would never poke fun at you because his mother taught him good manners, and although he may buy you a drink because it is the polite thing to do…you know that he will never turn to you, gaze into your eyes, kiss you softly and tell you that you are “the one”. Why? Because he is not attracted to you. Sure, you can get a guy, get a date, get someone to take you home…but is that really the guy that you would pick if you could pick anyone? The answer is NO. Let’s be honest.   You live carefully and are forced to ponder and worry about things your thin counterparts give absolutely no thought to. When you take a ride in a friends car you worry that you will not be able to fit in the backseat, and if there are others riding along, you worry you will squish them. The idea of getting into a two-door cars backseat terrifies you. How will you be able to get in and out gracefully? You won’t. Period. Going to a movie theater or a show strikes fear into your heart because you know you will either not fit in the seat or will be squished into discomfort taking the person to the right and left to the same hell you will be visiting thanks to your encroaching fat. Getting on a plane makes you nauseous. What if the airline decides you need two seats? What if the seatbelt doesn’t reach? What if you cant fit in the seat? Let’s say all goes well and you are not asked to pay for another seat, you cannot mistake the looks of disgust and anger on the face of the guy you are sitting next to. You knew what he was thinking the entire time you walked down the aisle…”Please don’t let her sit next to me…please God”. Then you sit, you buckle your belt (if lucky) and then are embarrassed by the flight attendant who makes it a point to check your belt just to be sure you got it on. She checks you because she figures you weren’t able to buckle it. You can’t fault her for doing her job, but your face burns with shame for the rest of the flight.    Then there’s your health. Your knees creak under your added weight. Your feet swell and throb due to the extra pressure placed on your feet. Your back hurts all the time because of the extra girth you place on your poor vertebrae. Your skin expands and is ruined by silver gray streaking stretch marks that tear through your pink flesh as if being done by an invisible ripper. You suffer through pimples, blackheads and boils that form in the places where your fat rubs together over and over again. Your inner thighs and underarms are stained permanent brown due to the fact your skin has thickened thanks to the constant friction. Your blood pressure is above normal, you are pre-diabetic, and your cholesterol is sky high. Of course even if you are able to kid yourself into thinking you are “totally healthy” you cannot deny knowing that if you stay at this weight you will NOT stay that way forever.   Your friends and family are supportive and you know they love you but they will not let you forget, not even for a moment, how much weight you’ve gained or how much better you would look if you lost some weight. You know they are right, but it still hurts when they bring this up. You feel inadequate and useless. You try to fool yourself into thinking that its ok to be fat like this. You read up on sites that proclaim “FAT? So what..?” and study sites that rally for fat acceptance. You hear people that look just like you proclaim that they are happy with their weight, that they love their bodies, and that they wouldn’t change it for the world. You listen to them say that society is the problem and that others should be more tolerant because we are all meant to be different. You pump your fist in righteous indignation and agree with them, heck, you may even truly come to believe in their bylines. However, there is always a part of you that knows that what you are is not accepted, not natural and not attractive. You know, deep down, that you are the problem…not everyone else. You also know that if a magic potion were offered to you that would melt away your fat and make you lean and toned you would take it without hesitation. You also know that all those “fat acceptance” people on those websites…deep down…would too.  
This is the reality of being obese. This is what it is like. Maybe not everyday, but just enough days to make you really seriously consider becoming a hermit. 

I just wanted to offer some perspective to those who don't have the unfortunate circumstances in living in a fat suit. There are reasons to be fat, any reason - not always because of over eating or eating junk foods. Hopefully by reading this you understand just how much this really does affect my life - amongst the rest of my constant worries and stressful situations.

I have been looking into buying an Xbox 360 about as soon as I can. But now that I think about it, I really would like to buy one with the Kinect - with fitness games too, so I don't have to be ashamed walking down the street, or working out in front of people and sweating like I'm in a sauna after 5 minutes (sometimes even less). Honestly, I am frustrated at myself because I've ruined so many potentially good shirts thanks to that.

I'd go on more about this issue, but I don't know what more I could say. I just hope that message has you gain a little bit more perspective on how I see the world and myself through my eyes. I know I'm not alone.

I need a break. I'm at the point where I want to scream at his father just because he left me with the sole responsibility of doing it on my own. I want to cry because its the same thing my mother said. She told me that it wasn't my fault my father wasn't around and that she's sorry that she is all I have.

Now she's gone, and I don't have either of my parents to run to and I'm raising a baby by myself  - and one day I'll have to say the same words that she had to tell me.

I just want to tell him... "How DARE you. How dare you leave me alone with a child to raise by myself. How dare you sit back as I stumble and fuck up everything. How DARE you make him suffer just like I did all because you THINK that it's not yours. How DARE you make me suffer because he looks I-FUCKING-DENTICAL to you."

Okay, so after spontaneous breakdown in tears, I'm still angry and frustrated and sad.. so very sad..

Insomnia.. again.

I feel like it's going to be another long night ahead of me. It's already 4 am and I feel drained. I'm looking around my apartment for something to do and everything that needs to be done I feel powerless to do them because I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Today (at least I think it was today) I told you to write anything and everything on your secret blog, just like I do. And I meant it - if I can write anything random on mine, you sure as hell can write about you in yours. I mean this with love, of course. I'm just grumpy pants.

S has been better tonight, although he's still coughing. My friend still has my keys and she won't give them back until Friday (night, maybe), and I'm at a loss with what I can do until then because I am not someone to be left cooped up in the house all day.

I just wish I could sleep...

I'm a good actress.

I posted a note on Facebook today. A note about how good and comfortable I am with my body, and how amazing I feel about myself. It just proves how good I am at faking this.

I get told almost everyday how I'm always happy and it's good to see someone who's always happy.
Did you know that the saddest person tends to smile the most?

The worst part is that I get so messed up inside.. & I look so fucking normal on the outside.

I constantly attempt to make people feel better about themselves because I know what it's like to feel bad about yourself.

I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile. How you try and fit in, but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing that's on the inside.

Sometimes it's like things would be so much better if I was just blank..

I'm.. okay.

You know that feeling where you feel like you're just.. okay?
Like.. you feel safe and content and although you're not at that happy stage in your day.. you just feel.. okay.
I'm not happy, nor am I sad.. I'm just.. okay.

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, The Hunger Games playing in the background on Netflix, S playing on the floor and blowing bubbles and slobber all over himself and I feel okay.

Oh.. who am I kidding? I'm at the point where I'm not trying to show any emotion. I'm holding on to everything I hold dear and I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and although I had already tied the knot and held on for dear life.. the loose ends are starting to sever, and my whole body feels like it's screaming for help, someone to save me.

Feeling this way scares me. It scares me because of how good I am at faking happiness. I'm so good that sometimes I fool myself. I can fool everyone. The only one that I know I can't fool is S.

It's like he knows everything. He can feel my pain.. how much I hurt. How much I question everything. How much I hate that he has to go through everything with just me. How much I hate that right now I can't give him the world. I'd give anything for him to have the perfect life.

I should stop for now. Finish watching the end of The Hunger Games, finish my coffee and try to regain my composure. 

Tips For Managing Home Life

This is a useful post, take it how you will - I thought I would post it because as much as I think I'm organized I have days where I slip and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, so this entry will be about tips for managing home life. ~

You might find it helpful to use a structure to help you stay on task and manage your responsibilities in a timely manner. For example, you might use time management techniques, like making lists or using day planners, to adhere to routines. These techniques can apply to household responsibilities as well as other aspects of life.

One of the tricks you can use to make sure you stay on track with your day-to-day household responsibilities is to try to estimate the amount of time tasks will take to complete. You can make this fun by turning tasks into a game; have a little bet with yourself about how long you think it will take to pick up the dry cleaning, or call your mother, for example. Then make a note of how long the activity really took, and plan for that amount of time in your schedule the next time you have to perform that task.

It is also important to plan for unexpected events or responsibilities. This is called contingency planning. It involves building extra time into your schedule for the unpredictable - things like traffic jams, last minute long distance phone calls, or a long line at the grocery store.

The key to effectively planning your time is to set attainable goals.

Set Your Goals

There are many ways to learn and develop skills to help keep your household and life in order. To excel at this, you should acknowledge these points:

• Develop realistic goals - do not set too many goals at once or goals that are impossible to meet
• Don't try to do it all on your own - obtain the support you need from other individuals or from support groups

An important part of accomplishing your goals is to know your endpoint and work toward it. Instead of just jumping into a project, approach it in a way that will optimize your ability to finish the job. Here are some tips.

• Use your natural tendencies to make daily tasks easier - or more interesting - make them fun! Involve friends, create games or challenges - anything you can to make the task seem less tedious and more fun
• Work with your mood. If you feel in the mood to organize - work with that. Start a project that you feel you are in the mood to tackle

Organizing yourself with a tool such as a day planner can help you arrange your time and resources so you can reach your goal. 

Use a Day Planner

One of the best tools you can use for managing home, work, or school is a day planner. Listed below are three guiding principles for using a day planner. If you've already tried to use a day planner and you found it didn't work, or have never used a day planner before, you may find this information helpful. 

1. Train yourself to have your day planner with you at all times. In order for this tool to work, you have to teach yourself to take it with you everywhere. 
2. Train yourself to write down everything in your day. Every event, every 'must do'. Even if you keep separate calendars for family and work events, social engagements, or medical appointments, use your day planner as your master calendar. 
3. Keep two main lists in your day planner - a 'must do' list and a 'master' list. Your 'must do' list acts as your personal assistant to remind you of your schedule for that day. You can even break down your 'must do' list into different sections - for example, tasks that can be done in the same place or at anytime during the day, and 'must do's' that can be done at a specific time, no matter what - like healthcare professional appointments or flight plans. 

Your 'master list' contains all the 'must do' items that, while important, are not critical for that day.

Hope this was helpful :) 

Achievement Unlocked: Acquire Internets.

It's true. I have the internet. 
I feel better now that I have it, but I'm not looking forward to the first bill. I don't think anyone really looks forward to the first bill. It's always hell. D: 

Since I never really had a social life in the first place, especially living in a hick town with no friends, this is kind of an improvement. At least I'll be able to relax and do what I want instead of sitting around and literally doing nothing... which I have been accustomed to doing...

So what did I do so far? Checked e-mails, deleted junk, updated Tumblr.. and messed around on Facebook. Nothing useful of course, but eventually I'll probably find something good to do. 

Til then. :3 

2012 is nearing it's end..

It's been a while since I wrote.. again.
But I feel the need to say a few things since only one person I actually know reads this, and then there's probably about a million faceless people that have been in tune with what I've been writing too.

I moved to a new small town in September and I have had many different experiences and met a few people that, truth be told, I wouldn't trust around my garbage.

I have been in a relationship I knew I would regret, but in a sense, now that I really look at it.. I don't regret it at all.

It's made me look at myself and my life in a whole new light. To him, all I have to say is "I look so good without you".

To my annoying neighbours, "I'd rather have haters say shit to my face than you fake ass bitches who talk behind my back."

To the 17-year-old girl that reminds me so much of me at that age. "Be careful, sweetie. There are people in this world that would love to see you fall. When you do, rise back up and show them who's better. But don't inflate your ego. And I know that awful excuse for a person used you and your feelings, but trust me, there is always people in this world that will always love you for you, and surrounding yourself with those people is the best thing you could do. Chin up, it's not over yet."

I died my hair, started doing my makeup and I see myself in a whole new light. I feel beautiful. I mean, somedays I still have my days.. we all know this. And I'll freak out and treat this more like an awful little journal again, and I'll regret writing certain things.. but now that 2012 is almost at it's end again.. I feel different.

There are so many things that have happened this year and I wouldn't change a single moment of those things because the more obstacles I'm faced with, the stronger my outcome is.

Yes, I still feel weak and vulnerable. Yes, I still have meltdowns. Yes, my shaking comes back a lot. Yes, I've been having a lot of anxiety attacks. Yes, I don't let anyone know about those things.

I don't tell anyone because I'm afraid I'll lose the one thing that keeps me smiling everyday, the one thing that makes my heart sing with love even on the days when I feel like my whole world is breaking. My son.

He keeps me going. He's the reason why I have refused to give up on myself, and on my little family. He's the reason why I have figured a lot of stuff out and he's the reason why I am bettering myself everyday - he deserves to see a beautiful, wonderful mother and role model. And I deserve to be that for him.

As usual, my post didn't come out the way I thought it would, but I hope you get the point. I know my awful posts aren't behind me, but I hope you'll continue to read my journey, and I hope that you'll be able to see it all unfold, day by day.

P.S: To my loyal reader, I still read that blog. Every day, I check to see if there's something new - and to re-read old posts. I hope you'll keep it open. And to whoever it is that inspires you.. she's a very lucky girl to have such a wonderful, imaginative person like you around.

As always,

Southpaw Gypsy

I can't handle these nosy neighbors. Especially the one beside me who leaves her door open and never bothers to keep her nose out of anything. I'm so furious right now. Trying to tell me how to raise my son and that he should be quiet. He cries every 3 hours. He gets hungry. HE IS SIX MONTHS OLD. Oh my fuck.

An activity

Go to the Merriam-Webster Word of the Day Web Site (www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day), and write a story based on that word.

Numen

: a spiritual force or influence often identified with a natural object, phenomenon, or place

Read more at http://www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day#Stx0CiGJIq1vx48Z.99

 

Selfconciousness and Stupidity

When you get into a relationship, you're supposed to be happy, right?

But tonight I'm not happy. The night before he left, he told me that he cheated on me when we dated when I was 18 because I didn't put out. He hesitated because he thought I was going to argue with him. I didn't argue, I laughed. And I laughed pretty hard. I think I was laughing because I was in shock.

Now, I just feel pathetic. I feel stupid for chasing him again. Now that I know he's cheated on me..
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I think I might have made a mistake.

You want to know what the worst thing is?

He texted me today that he had a long talk with his ex-girlfriend. He said that she was dolled up and that she looked like a cocktease. He also said that she looked good. That's another awful sign. I don't trust him. I feel like he's going to turn around and go back to her, even after all the crap she put him through.

But... what makes me think that she's going to go back with her is because she's beautiful. And she's skinny. But she's a psycho. And I don't know what to do.

How come I'm never good enough? He even told me to wear makeup, and when I did, he didn't even say anything. What am I supposed to do? Is it because he thinks that makeup doesn't fix me?

I'm so self-concious right now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know why I bother to put myself out there.
I don't understand what I did to ...

For someone who wasn't into it at first, I feel pretty devastated now. I feel extremely hurt for putting myself out there. I feel... used and confused. I'm...heartbroken, yet again.

I feel sick. I'm upset that I gave into something my heart knew wasn't a good idea.
I knew that he was still hooked on his ex-girlfriend. Yet I figured.. I hoped..

But he says there's no spark. He feels nothing. And I actually feel... something.

But there's nothing I can really do about it now.

A silver lining... or shiny tin foil in the sun?

Okay, my last post was a little weird. What I mean by that is that it didn't really make any sense. It was just this awkward little thought I had. I gotta stop posting like that.

So. things went by really quickly today. I still haven't found a place, but after S and his physio appointment, and the child worker coming, I made some phone calls and I actually got a bed to sleep in now, so I don't have to be so worried.

But, here's the deal. I'm moving to live in a shelter for women fleeing from abuse, but it's an entire city away! Actually, small town of like.. 300. D:

I don't know anyone there except for ironically, my abusive ex-boyfriend, which I am not too happy about.
The last thing I need is to be going for a walk with S and having him randomly show up behind me, or spot me and try to talk to me. Awkward..

I called today, and I leave tomorrow, after my first therapy appointment.

Can you see why my anxiety feels like it's in full swing?

I feel a little bit awkward about going back into therapy. I don't really want to go back to therapy, because of my awful experiences from my last time I was in therapy.

My aunt called them to ask if there was internet available, and they actually weren't sure, but I'm bringing my netbook anyway, just in case. That way, if there is, I can find something to do when it rains or something. And to blog, of course. I hope there's internet, damnit. I really do.

I can't be stuck in the middle of nowhere, AGAIN, without any internet access. >>

I hate changes. I hate when things change. I like routine. I like structure. It completely fucks me up when I'm not "in order". 

What bothers me.. 

I'm completely 

When I'm around people, my mind empties and I'm like this hollow being. I follow orders, however fucked up they are. I'm completely obedient.
It's like, I'm not even my own being. I belong to someone else.. robotic. 





I think what upsets me about it is that I was raised that way. I was raised to keep quiet and follow orders. I was taught that someone else's opinion was more important than my own, and I should take what's given to me.

More Changes

I don't know what it is about waking up early, but I know that 6 hours later, I'm always feeling so drained. 
I don't know if it's the complete lack of naps or the fact that my body hates me when I wake up at 6 am.. I don't really know. 

As you can probably see, I've made more changes to the blog, adding stuff, moving stuff around.. as I become more and more aware and okay with the blog, I'm making it more original. Or at least, as original as a complete internet-illiterate person possibly can. 

I forgot to do a lot of things lately. I didn't call the shelter, I didn't book S' stomach ultrasound and I haven't packed yet. 

I'm just.. not ready to face change once again. I've become comfortable and I don't want my life completely upside down again. I don't like it. I think it's terrible. 

I'm scared of the future and the unknown. Is this a sad fact? You tell me. 

Changes

I'm not really one for being excited about changes. I have never liked them. I don't like waking up and feeling like today is another day where anything can happen - good or bad. I like structure, routine and planning because I feel like it's safe and controlled and predictable - I know what's coming next. 

I was assigned a new worker again. I don't like how my life is getting passed around constantly by different people. I am a closed and reserved person professionally. I don't like my whole life being plastered around. I don't care how many confidentiality contracts are being signed. If too many people know about me and my issues, then the contracts are a moot point. 

I don't mind blogging because I know that I'm still somewhat anonymous in my own personal thoughts and opinions. 

Anyway.. I don't know what I think about this new worker. I also don't like how she sided with my Uncle D like she knew how he could relate when there is nothing relatable to him. I dislike how he always makes me look like I'm the bad guy for wanting some control over my own adult life.. I also hate how he calls me a disrespectful child when I am trying to prove myself. He accuses me of lying to people, when I have told nothing but the truth. 

Honestly, I think he believes I'm lying because somewhere in his own demented little world, he's the victim and I am the evil witch "out to get him". It's pathetic, really. I have never met anyone so full of his own demons.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, so I'm not going to be stupid and try. I just feel bad that he wasn't and isn't a considerate human being. As soon as my workers are out of my life, he will be too. I don't need any added negativity in my life. It's poisonous and not an example I want to show my son. 

My son deserves more than people like that in his life. 


Update;
The apartment search continues! I have been looking, and looking and looking, including emailing a lot of places that are somewhat within my affordable range. 

No luck. 

Seems the places that I have e-mailed don't e-mail me back, or when they do, they kindly tell me that the place has already been rented. Yeah, like that helps me a lot. But.. at least they're nice about it. 

Looks like in a little over a week, I'll have to move to a shelter. If they will even accept me.. I don't know how many times I've asked to be in a shelter before, while pregnant and in actual danger.. but I wasn't helped. I hate it. The people in my town have no idea what priority is, apparently. 

I guess it's true what they say. For everything, you really do need to know people. 

I guess I don't know the right people. 


... I hope I'm saved from this hell soon. 

I have been thinking.. there's a lot of things that I need to figure out. I know that I have to fix myself. I need to go back to being who I was... no. Scratch that. I can't change the past. I can't go back. I know if I could go back, I would change a few things.. but would I really? The past is what makes you who you are today, but the future makes you who you want to be, right? 

When I look into my son's eyes, I see promise, happiness and innocence. I see opportunity, hope and faith. I see no judgement. I see purity. I see adventure and discovery. 

A while back I had thoughts that I don't belong on this earth. That people could benefit from my absence. But through experiencing traumatic loss, I've discovered just how much I value my life, and life in general. 

 

My son

Soft skin blurred flawless
Heart smiles in innocence
Laughter without abandon
His emotions apparent and cradled
Softly exposed without judgement


I am thankful for S. I am thankful I have the chance to be with somebody that wakes me up in the morning, every morning, and makes me thank God for letting me have such a precious little boy as he is. He makes me learn so much as he learns too. We discover at the same time what its like to live in this world. He sees the world through innocent eyes as I see it with tainted ones. He shows me every day what love is and what it truly means to live. 

His eyes are like puzzle pieces. When I look at them, I see him looking back, questioning, wondering. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world because without him, I wouldn't have meaning. I wouldn't have the passion to discover, learn or teach. I wouldn't know the love I feel when he's here. I fear I wouldn't know love at all. He has become my muse, my inspiration that I had been lacking for quite some time. With him, I will always know that in my life it is for certain that I did something right - that I am forever changed by his small, innocent self. 

Hello readers. 

Well it looks to be another day in the neighborhood. I had to buy yet another keyboard since my sleek n' slim one decided that it just wanted to completely not work. I guess that's what I get for pay twenty dollars for it. 

I got another keyboard, naturally. This one is the same price, but it's one of those old school, makes a lot of noise for nothing ones. 

I know that it types better than the other one, judging by how fast I'm typing and I don't have to press backspace as much as I had to with the other one. 

Sure it might make more noise than the other one, but I am happy to report that I would rather have a noisy keyboard, then a half-functioning, rage face one. 


...Needless to say, I might in the near future take that last statement back. But, as it stands right now, that's exactly how I feel.