Today I actually took the steps to actually get help - the help that I have been hopelessly avoiding for over 10 years.
I know it's one thing to think about the steps to take and another to actually take those steps and for once, for myself, I took that first step into helping myself.. even a little bit.
A lot of my workers have been telling me over the past week that I have suffered more loss in my life than anyone can humanly handle. They tell me that the loss isn't even about the deaths I've witnessed, it's about the losses I've faced in most everything I've ever experienced. It's funny in a way, because they only know a quarter of my story.. if they knew it all they probably would be amazed at (how I've managed to even just survive) or how I haven't decided to kill myself already.
I talked to the doctor about my depression I haven't been able to handle for years, and my continuing and growing social anxieties that I have been trying so desperately to hide (and I've been almost successful for the most part).
She gave me Cipralex. I don't know what to think of it.. took my first one at 7 pm tonight.
Ended up sleeping for 2 hours about a half hour after I took it, and then I had diarrhea. TMI, I know.. but I didn't think the side effects would have started so quickly. With it being passed midnight now, I'm still tired. I have a little bit of a headache and I'm a little hungry. No sign of nausea or anything like that yet, and I don't feel any different. Maybe slightly a little more down then usual, but isn't that something that I should expect to feel? It's only the first day and they do tell me that it does take 2-3 weeks for it to really take effect so.. I have time, I suppose.
I don't know how many times I will be able to update on what's up with me, but I will try to as much as I can. I know it's been a long time since I have posted anything, but I just want you to know that I'm finally listening to myself and maybe this could be a positive step to a better me.
Keeping positive, or trying to.
Much love, Southpaw Gypsy
"The most difficult thing in life, is to know yourself."
