Ramblings.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've realized a few things about myself.
I've turned into a parasitic, leeching, desperate and pathetic person, grasping for any kind of attention I could possibly get; good or bad, it doesn't matter as long as someone, anyone paid attention to me and made me feel like someone, even for a little while.
And I've realized just how fucking ridiculous it's gotten. I mean, I was willing to show parts of my body just for reaction.
I'm a selfish whore, in every respect of those two words.
Maybe I am sick, twisted and insane. Maybe, just maybe.
Because when I didn't have something go my way, I'd contemplate suicide, writing letters and designing plans. A few weeks would go by and then I'd burn the plans. Except for one, one I threw out in hopes that my mother, who often went through everything I've ever owned ever, found it and finally realized that she had a very screwed up daughter.

For years, I blamed my mother for everything she did for me. I blamed my father for everything he didn't do, including bothering to be one and be there for me and show me that he cared, or at least pretend to care even if he didn't - if only for a little while.
I blamed my little sister, because she was small, fragile and beautiful; and everyone paid attention to her. (Later I was told stories that my mother loved me until my sister was born - because she got extra attention for having a small daughter, capable of wearing Cabbage Patch Kids clothing and Didn't she look just darling attitude). I guess from then on I was cast away. I might have been the oldest child, but the stereotype of having the most attention wasn't there.
I was ignored, invisible until I would do something stupid and get bullied. I spent most of my time in school getting bullied.
My grandmother gave me attention because she pitied me, I suppose. My sister forever hated me for that, and to this day she uses it against me. And then she'd use "Don't blame me because I have a father and a mother and you don't". She uses it because she knows how sensitive I am about it. She uses it because if she loses her mother, she's always got her father, and if my mother's gone, I don't have anyone. I was never close to my mother - we both have the same negative qualities, so we've never been able to bond, even though countless times I've tried, she'd push me away - to occupied with her game on her computer. However, my little sister is very close to my mother, she knows everything and could tell you everything. The only thing I know about my mother is her medecine cabinet and her medical supplies. It's what I studied because I was always facinated by chemicals and how they worked. I gave up on that dream after struggling with science from beginning to end of high school.

I've spent countless times crying and being angry and blaming everything on everything and never really wondering what the real reason was.
I'm trying to figure out what the real reason is, and these are my results so far.

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I don't know what I was going to say after this. My mind just kind of blanked. I guess I'll continue later. Also, Caitlin opened my door without knocking again, and caught me bawling my eyes out. It's been 20 minutes and she's still asking me why I'm crying. I refuse to tell her why.